06 February 2009

Bleeding

My cell phone rang at work yesterday, and the caller ID showed Maddie and Riley's daycare. My heart and stomach sank. Daycare doesn't call to tell you the kids ate a good snack or had fun playing in the snow. Daycare calls to tell you someone has a fever or someone is barfing or someone broke an arm.

This time, daycare was calling to say that Riley had woken up during his nap with a bloody nose. The staff had it all under control, and Riley did not seemed disturbed. He just wanted to go back to sleep. I'm sure the bleeding was caused by the terribly dry, cold air of New England winters. We run a humidifier full-tilt at home, and there's one at daycare, too, but even that's not always enough for those with sensitive, delicate baby skin. I asked if I should come pick Riley up, but the consensus was that there was no need.

I breathed a sigh of relief that everything was basically OK, but I was afraid. I'm no stranger to bloody noses. John got them a lot towards the end of his illness. By the last few months of his life, the chemo had so damaged his system that he couldn't produce enough platelets for his blood to clot effectively. He'd just bleed and bleed and bleed. And bleed. It was scary, and gross, but mostly just scary. Every time he'd get a nosebleed, I'd think, "This is it. This is the end." Ultimately, a nosebleed wasn't the end of it all, but when you are watching a substance that should be inside your sick husband's body gush out of it, a substance that sustains his life, it's hard not to feel like a nosebleed could be a harbinger of death.

Riley's nose bled a bit more during the night. "Mama! I have boogers!" he cried out. I cleaned him up and that was that. His nose wasn't even really bleeding, just dripping a tiny bit, which stopped as I wiped it away. Thankfully, there was no river of blood that couldn't be stopped, even with ice packs and pressure and every single one of our spare towels. There was no need to throw together a bag of stuff to take to the ER (a task I can accomplish in about 2 minutes, maximum), no need to call 911 for an ambulance (something neither John nor I ever thought to do when he needed urgent care).

Riley went right back to sleep. Not me. All I could think about was the last few months of John's life and how awful they were. Things I remember from those months, in no order whatsoever:
  • The nosebleeds, oh, the nosebleeds.
  • The frustration of John not getting treatment due to low platelet counts.
  • Test results bringing bad news.
  • Fear. Constant, oppressive fear.
  • John sleeping.
  • John vomiting.
  • Me never sleeping.
  • The hospital.
  • Hearing John's beloved oncologist say to us, "I don't like to talk about how much time is left, but at this point you need to recognize that it's going to be weeks, not months, not years."
  • Taking a nap with John in his hospital bed
  • Lugging my breast pump to the hospital every day and pumping in John's room while my in-laws watched.
  • The absurdity of registering for hospice
  • Liters of belly-bloating fluid being drained from John's distended abdomen.
  • Calling my mom from the lobby of the hospital and saying, "Mom, I need you. Now."
  • Lugging Riley around on my hip as I prepared a dose of morphine for John.
  • In his last few days of life, John's obsession with taking a shower.
  • Arguing with my in-laws, and, ultimately sending them home so that John and I could have a few last days together.
  • The day before he died, wanting John to die because I didn't think either of us could take one more day of him "living" the way he was.
  • John's confusion, empty look, and inability to keep his eyes open.
  • Anger that my husband was dying.
  • Resentment that my husband couldn't help me more.
  • Shame that I was angry and resentful and that I didn't feel particularly warm or loving towards anyone.
No one tells you that as a caretaker, you'll experience all kinds of emotions that will make you utterly ashamed. I was so often angry with John, angry that he was leaving me and the kids, angry that he couldn't help me more, angry that I had to take care of our kids and him. HE WAS DYING, and yet I managed to direct my bitterness about the situation towards him. No one tells you that along with the sadness of grief comes a loathsome sense of relief that the hypervigilence of being responsible for someone with a terminal illness is gone. When John died, cancer suddenly vanished from my life. As sad as I was to see John die, I was in equal measure relieved that no one living under our roof was being eaten away from the inside, dying far too early, suffering far too much.

Relief. It's embarrassing to admit that part of me felt flooded with relief the night John died. In part, I was relieved for him. John was so tired of being sick. But I was also relieved for me. I was so sick of dealing with sickness, of scheduling our lives around cancer. The oppressive weight a terminal illness brings into a home is something I cannot adequately describe, and something I do not miss.

I miss John, of course, but I don't miss the John of the last four months of his life. I miss the man I married, and the core of him was slowly sucked away during his illness, leaving a shell that, in personality, was almost not recognizable to me by the end. John pulled away from me at the end, and pulled away even more from Maddie and Riley. He almost couldn't stand to be around them because he couldn't bear to see what he was leaving. And yet. And yet! The night before he died, he got out of bed and, with the help of me and my father-in-law, shakily made his way to the living room where he held a bottle for Madeleine and snuggled her while I read some bedtime stories. I have pictures of that night; those are the last pictures of John alive, holding his daughter, sitting in our glider, Riley and me next to him. The next day, John was dead.

I still, every day, feel two conflicting emotions in equal measure. I feel profound sadness that John is not here to experience our life, and I feel profound relief that his suffering came to an end. One of the many things that makes grief so unbearably hard is that it stirs up emotions that you don't expect, emotions that you never thought could be experienced simultaneously, emotions that no one wants to talk about, emotions that are uncomfortable to feel.

No calls from daycare today. Hopefully the nosebleeds are over. I think I've had all the nosebleeds I can take.

121 comments:

Resplendentquetzal said...

I was reading your post today, and it brought back the memories of my Dad passing away last May. The same, empty look, the feeling of anger towards him, relief when he died, the feeling of wanting him to die, and not wanting him to die at the same time.
I've just now reached the point where I can talk about him and picture the "before illness" Dad and not the hollow eyed person that was there in the last days.

Thank you for your time, your writing.

Anonymous said...

I just wanted to say that sometimes you posts truly put my own life in persepective. Makes me think about what is really important and what is really just shit.

I am a stranger to you, and you to me, however, I always feel connected to you after reading your blog.

Kind regards,
Melissa in NJ

Shosh said...

Thank you for a small glimpse into what life is like taking care of a sick person. what a beautifully written post

Rebecca and Chris said...

I think that all of your emotions came (and come) from the same one emotion - your love for John. You are sad he is not with you, because you loved him. You are relieved his suffering is over, because you loved him. You were angry with cancer and what it was taking from you, because you loved him.
Everything you felt and continue to feel is legitimate, because it is coming from love.

Meg said...

I stalk your blog on a regular basis, and I have to say that I was moved beyond tears reading today's post. What you have been through is more than most go through in a lifetime. In two lifetimes. It puts my woes into perspective.

I admire you for who you are, in spite of what you've been through.

-Meg

Giovanna Diaries said...

Great post!
So, when is that book gonna be done? Your writing is un-put-downable!
Thanks for sharing even more of you w/us :)

Cobblestone said...

Amen.
My John was on blood thinners, he had a bleed {spontaneous, in the middle of his chest, cuz irony is nothing - if not ironic}. It wasn't a big bleed, but it went on for FOURTEEN HOURS. Through, ice and towels and blow dryers and jokes and WTH!!!!? and never once did it occur to us to engage the help of a professional for that bit.

It was within the last two weeks. His hope came from a bottle of Paxil and the amazingness of who he was.

Anonymous said...

I have no idea how I stumbled on your blog but I am a faithful reader now and, I must say, this entry has left me in tears. You articulate your feelings and thoughts in an amazing way and I hope this blog is every bit as theraputic to you as it is compelling to me.

All the best,
Lisa in Toronto

Anonymous said...

My mother cared for her father during his final illness, when he stopped eating in order to speed the inevitable. When they discovered he'd died in bed, her first words were, "thank God." That was the prevailing sentiment, absolutely.

Thanks for sharing.

Shelley

Karyn said...

Oh, Snick. Beautiful.

s_ivan said...

okay - new rule: you are not allowed to be as heavy and thought-provoking, compelling and tear-jerking in person as you are in some posts... or I'll be a bowl of mush trying to get stuff done around the house. (good post, though.)

Legally Brunette said...

I chucked when I read s_ivan's comment. Why don't we say Snick can be as heavy and thought-provoking, compelling and tear-jerking as she wants so long as she labels the posts "not safe for work?" I can't portray the hard ass litigator when I'm in tears at my desk. =) Seriously, the post was beautiful, and I second Giovanna's comment because I'd love to read that book.

Anonymous said...

I can relate to all the feelings you mentioned. I lost my husband new years eve to lung cancer after a 5 month battle with chemo and all the bad effects of it. I too felt a sense of relief and sadness mixed when it was over. I was glad he did not have to suffer any more. I also felt ashamed to be glad it was over.When you know someone you love has a terminal illness and can not recover from it it is so hard to go through the daily living routine.It all centers around the ill person and there is no relief or spare time for yourself. I understand this very well, but I did not have babies to care for too at the same time. I wonder how you were able to keep your sanity at all! You must be a very strong and couragous person and you should be proud of what you did and not feel remorse about your feelings at the time. It is just human nature to feel those things. I wish you and the twins the bets and hope you find real happiness with someone else. You are too young and beautiful to be alone with just kids for the rest of your life. Good luck and God Bless. Doris

Jane H. said...

Moving post. My heart goes out to you and your children.

Single Parent Dad said...

Wow.

Awful on so many levels, but you put it so eloquently and deal with it all very well.

Thanks for sharing those emotions, it gives me a shot of some of the more graphic and grim memories I have.

But there are so many more positive ones, just like you.

HUGS

Jack's Mum said...

When I'm feeling low I get my 2yr old to give me a huge cuddle. For a minute I just wish we could stay like that forever.

Cuddle your beautiful kids. Everything is going to be ok.

Karyn said...

I meant: beautiful writing, but I'm so sorry you and John had to go through such an awful, awful experience. You capture the reality of the last few weeks so eloquently. Please, write a book.

Anonymous said...

Amazing post. I hate crying, especially hate crying at work, but love your blog. Write a book...you will be able to live anywhere you want.

silene said...

Thank you for sharing this - I am so moved by your writing. I am so sorry for all the suffering, and I sincerely hope there are no more nosebleeds in your future.

OTRgirl said...

Really good post. You're so good at summing up all the conflicting emotions in a way that honors everyone involved without hiding anything. I deeply respect your ability to balance that edge.

Your post reminds me of so many similar scenes. The most lasting 'PTSD' for me is how much I hate the smell of hospitals.

Another random realization: it took 10 years to have a dream of my Mom where she wasn't the cancer version. It's been fun to have her show up in my dreams in the last few years. Healthy, vibrant, younger than I ever knew her in life.

Sue said...

We tended my mother at home in the last week of her life, as she succumbed to a horrendous, aggressive ovarian cancer.

The way you describe grief in the aftermath is exactly right, from my experience. Thank you for saying it so well.

A year later, I'm still grieving the loss of my sons at 20 weeks gestation, and I'm still surprised at the unexpected mix of emotions I experience every day.

The image of your husband holding your daughter brought tears to my eyes. A wonderful moment in the very worst of times.

Nichole said...

I'm so, so sorry. I had to hug someone, anyone, (turned out to be my kids) after reading today. I hope you got whatever hugs you needed too.

Whitney said...

Your raw, unabashed, true portrayal of your experience with John's death takes my breath away. Thank you.

Whitney said...

and I agree with the above commenter.... write a book. It's in you my friend.

NanarocksWeen said...

Lisa in Toronto said exactly what I would have said. I don't know you, yet I feel like I do. Your writing IS compelling. Write a book. I'll buy. And, after reading that post, I can't wait for tomorrow to get some hugs from my grandsons. I need hugs.

Melissa in Grafton said...

Snick, I'm crying while vigorously nodding my head to everything you've written, and I'm thinking:

Yes, of course.

OF COURSE you felt that way.

OF COURSE you did -- how could you not?

Everything you said was absolutely, hauntingly truthful, and I think it's in that perfect space of truth that we find the real meaning of life and of being human.

Amen.

Hugs,
m

Jennifer said...

Oh, flashbacks. Such fun. My friend's husband became handicapped over a year ago and sometimes (even though he has a drastically different problem than my dad had) I still am quietly freaking out. Hell, I'm resentful on her behalf for always being trapped by him- but in his case it's just as much bad personality as it is illness.

I hear you on the resentment thing, I've been doing it this week. Good times.

Catherine in Chicago said...

Thank you for your post, and for sharing your experiences with so many who might have been strangers!

What a beautiful person and writer you are. You and the twins are in my thoughts!

Rachel said...

So beautifully written, honest and moving. {{{Hugs}}} to you.

And yeah, you should write a book.

Lizard said...

you can make me cry like nothing else, some days. this post is so so beautiful, and so so sad, and so so so so so completely true. the conflict is truly the worst part of any grief, and especially a grief like yours.

it is so healthy that you can acknowledge the mixed emotions, the conflict.

Supa Dupa Fresh said...

Wow -- you are beautiful and a great writer. Were you reading me? I've been digging up some similar sludge lately (also posted some funnies).

Yeah, if I'm working on a book, you DEFINITELY should!

You rock.

X

Supa

Anonymous said...

Wow. This post left me in tears. Beautifully written, and so full of honest emotion.

I think everyone who has been in a similar caregiver situation has thought at some point "why can't you just die and get it over with?" It's not pretty, but it's normal and common and true. Thank you for sharing.

Michelle H.

jules said...

wow. i'm struggling to find the words to tell you how incredibly touching this post is. thank you for sharing so much of yourself and for keeping things in perspective for those of us who need that at times.

please do write a book.

Watercolor said...

Hugs.

Anonymous said...

I read your blog whenever you post and cannot put into words how much I enjoy reading it. I lost my mom two months ago and remember feeling the ranges of emotions of relief and guilt and the sounds of her moans before she died haunt me still. Can you please write a book or start on one? I swear it would be a bestseller. I read tons of blogs and your writing by far surpasses any of the ones I read.

Anonymous said...

Hi Snick,
My husband died from pancreatic cancer also. I too have some painful memories of those last months. I remember being extremely exhausted by the care regime he needed. A friend once said "if you ever want to have a cup of tea and talk let me know". I didn't want tea! I didn't want talk! I wanted HELP with the daily and weekly routine. I felt tired and guilty for wanting just some time to myself, to sleep late and recover, to get away just for a little bit. And yes, those memories of the illness itself are terribly difficult. Sometimes I fear they overshadow many of my other memories.
Thank you for openly sharing your feelings. If there is one thing I wish I could have known at the time was that it's okay to have needs too, it's okay to rest, it's okay to feel overwhelmed and not want to do it all.
I was so overwhelmed by the routine, I actually never realistically considered the thought that he might die. It was all about getting through each day.
I've commented here before, but posting anonymously now. Even after this time has passed, I still feel a bit guilty for even complaining!
Thank you for sharing.

Watercolor said...

I have a chronic illness that gives me pain most of the time. Most people have no idea, so good am I at living with it. And I've struggled with when/how to tell men I date about it. This post makes me wonder if it is even a good idea to think anyone is going to want to walk into my life ever and purposefully take me on and the relentlessness that is in my life. Or if I even have the right to hope for it. hmm.

Watercolor said...

And I know that isn't how you mean it. :) It is just something I have been pondering anyway and this post gave another perspective on thoughts I've already had.

Fairlington Blade said...

Snick,

That was beautiful. The passing of Keen's father was painful for us, especially as it happened only a few weeks before he was to first see and hold his grandsons Learning how sick he really was, his quick passing was ultimately a blessing. Just really, really hard to take.

Hope that you and the kids are doing well.

Paul

Nancy said...

As always, you write brilliantly, honestly, and emotionally. I agree with the others - go make millions writing a book.

Rev Dr Mom said...

(((((((Snick))))))))

mames said...

your ability to share in this way is such a testament to the strength in you.

Angi said...

Thanks for thoughtful, provoking and deep post. I love a coworker who is dying of cancer, and will soon be going through many of the same emotions. The problem is the world doesn't recognize a "work widow," as we are both happily married, yet deeply, emotionally connected. I am pulling away to avoid the hurt, as he is too. Loving someone (my coworker) isn't the same as being in love (my husband), so please, no comments.

MP said...

I've lurked here for a long, long time but today I feel compelled to comment. Your post brought me to tears. My brother passed when I was 13, and my dad when I was 16. Grief is indescribable and indeed, can be very uncomfortable to talk about. Even today, I've never spoken to anyone about how either deaths made me feel or how profoundly they affected me, and most who know me nowadays have no idea I ever had a brother. It's something I can't bring myself to do - give the "explanation". There's shame because I don't talk about it, that I don't celebrate his life. Shame is a horrible, horrible thing to feel in response to a loved one's death.

Thank you so much for your blog. You're articulate, funny, and introspective. Thank you for your bravery in recording and sharing this part of you. It helps.

Lexie said...

My fiance, N, is having (what I hope to be) a minor anemia issue that he is getting tests for. He had a simple inpatient test yesterday, one that only took an hour or so.

But when I couldn't get a hold of him right away after it should have been over, I went into emergency panic mode. Should I call the hospital? Is he dead? Is it something terrible?

You don't go through years of being the caregiver of someone with life threatening and/or terminal illnesses and just go back to normal life when you are "relieved" of duty. The fact that all those worst case scenerios really do happen and you've been there through many of them makes you never able to look at any medical situation the same way again. I do it with my kids, too.

I understand about the nosebleeds.

Diane said...

Snick, you absolutely amaze me.

Sadia said...

You don't need me to tell you that you're amazingly strong. Thank you, though, for sharing how hard it is to be strong. It is extraordinarily inspiring to hear how you have had to deal with what seems like insurmountable pain, have let yourself feel it, and still survived.

yatima said...

God damnit. It's not fair. Fuck cancer.

Charlie said...

As most others have commented, your post left me in tears. Tears for you, for John and for your adorable twins. I live an ocean away, yet through your writing I feel like I know you and can feel your pain.

You are such a talented communicator - you really should put all of this into a book.

Kathryn said...

((Snick))
That all sounds so hugely understandable and normal and as always heartbreakingly honest.
I think I'll just pray that Riley's nose cheers up right now.

Anonymous said...

Honest, moving and thought-provoking. I recognise something of myself and my feelings when my mother lay dying of cancer. I know I got to the point when all I wanted was for it to end.

I felt the anger, fury and the guilt. Six years on I can still be transported back to her final week just by the smell of a hospital.

It never goes away, but the guikt and anger do, thank goodness.

Thank you for your honesty.

Tertia said...

a very moving post, very real.

xxxx

Angela said...

What an exceptionally well written post. You're ability to be so completely honest and direct is amazing. Thank you for sharing your story, as Anonymous said your posts also help me to put my own life into perspective.
Your strength and insight is very inspiring, I hope you realize what an amazing and special person you are.

buddha_girl said...

Although I lost my Dad and you lost John, I feel a strange kinship to those last weeks and days before they both died.

I won't go into it here.

Thank you.

django's mommy said...

I've never been one to compare grief, but I think it's safe to say that (for me) I will take the sudden rupture of the aortic aneurysm over the slow torture of pancreatic cancer.

I think that if Josh had died of cancer that I would have dealt with it in a similar way- day by day, get done what needs to be done... but I know without a doubt that I would not have been able to write about it like you do.

I admire you so much, Snick, and am so grateful for your words.

susan said...

Cancer sucks, and I'm so sorry that nothing could make it all better, for John, for you, for your beautiful kids.

beyond said...

i had minor surgery to get rid of a small cancer tumor a few days ago and this post humbles me. it is so heart-breaking and you are able to share it all in such a beautiful and powerful way. thank you.

Vanessa said...

Just after my husband died, the only thing that stopped me from losing my mind was that I knew he had been ready for it and had wanted to be released from his pain and illness. It wasn't a relief for me in the same way it was for you (I hadn't been a hands-on caregiver) but it was a huge relief for him, albeit a relief tinged with regret that he had to leave us.

By the way, you probably know this, but nosebleeds are really common in little boys -- my brother and my dad both had them as children, and one of the boys my daughter played with when she was younger did, too. Riley will be fine.

Anonymous said...

Now you've finally done it... I cried reading this post... not just a tear, but more like a flood.

Thank you for sharing your humanity with all of us.
Tiina

BrooklynGirl said...

Thanks for sharing this.

L. said...

I cried too on reading this. You convey the experience so well, but how much worse it must have actually been to live. Having been so lucky as to escape the death of anyone very close so far--but with a couple family members, albeit not close ones, now embarking on this path--this gives me a better window into grief and the horror of terminal illness. I hope I will be able to use what you have written here to be a better resource for them and their caregivers. This stranger sends you her love and respect.

Rosepetal said...

What a moving post.

I admire the way you make a loving home for your and John's kids.

Grief isn't pretty, nor does it fit into nice little packages.

ekm said...

I have read your blog for a long time but this is my first comment. You are a beautiful writer and such an insightful, thoughtful person. I learn a lot from reading your words and I thank you for sharing them.

~ Jolene said...

*sigh* My heart still aches for you every time I read one of these posts. Cancer is truly the devil. I don't understand why anyone on this earth has to endure such a horrible disease. Thanks goodness for no nosebleed calls today.

Anonymous said...

How sad. I am so sorry that people (you) have to go through this. I (being honest here) hope I never have to go through this. What a heart wrentching post.

Amelie said...

Your description of John feeding Maddy made me cry.
It's so sad, and so unfair.
Thank you for sharing your feelings so honestly.

Mary said...

Your post brings back the memories of my father dying in 2006....and how relieved I felt after all the waiting was over. No one really understands how hard it is to wait for someone you love to die and the relief you feel when it is finally over.
Thank you for sharing your life and feeling with all of us....it helps to know others felt a similar way.

Amy said...

Thank you for trusting us with your stories and your memories.

One Down, One to Go said...

My Mother died from Ovarian cancer, my Father died from Lou Gerig's disease (Motor Neuron Disease), my first emotion upon hearing of my mother's death and watching my father take his last breath was relief. Sadness came later.

xxxx

KTMeyers said...

I don't know what to say other than I'm sorry. So damn sorry.

Clover said...

Its so very unfair, to you, to John, to the twins, to John's parents. to countless others. So very unfair. Thinking of you.

-GRC said...

My dad died when I was 17. It was the middle of the night and he was in the last stages of prostate cancer. He had such a quick decline, but it was so hard to watch. When you get to the point when you know they aren't going to get better, yes it is a relief when they go. Doesn't make it easier for US, but you know there's no other way.
It was Feb 10, 1993 and even though that seems so long ago, somehow the memories stay pretty fresh.
I am truly sorry for your loss and I thank you for sharing this because I relate and sometimes it's okay to remember the bad and grieve again.

Crash Course Widow said...

Fantastic, spot-on, honest post, as always, Snick. (I'm just catching up now on friends' posts from the last week or two...I hate the my life is so crazy and busy right now that I can't "keep in touch" better lately.)

I'm glad you wrote all that you did in this post. It's certainly all information that I've learned to be absolutely true, both from my experience of my own widowed road (even though I didn't experience terminal illness to get there) and from the experiences of my now-widowed friends who DID have to suffer through terminal illness.

People who've never experienced or witnessed any of this don't really understand the ugly and conflicting emotions that we go through...but by you sharing them, they can mercifully start to understand...even if it's only in the smallest snippets.

It's interesting--my memories of my last days, weeks, and months with Charley are the complete opposite of yours. It was all wonderful, perfect, better than it had ever been. And then it was all gone, ripped away in one split second, without any warning or time to say goodbye. And it's a totally different experience than terminal illness--not easier or harder, just different--but I felt much of the same anger and resentment toward Charley after he died. Relief that HE got the best death he ever could have wanted--quickly, instantly, without all the messiness that old age and/or prolonged terminal illness would bring--but so much anger and resentment that he got off so easy and didn't have to deal with any of the shit I had to deal with.

I still feel that way at times, even now at 3 1/2 years out. Thank god most of it has faded now, because that anger, resentment, and bitterness were downright caustic, acidic...and certainly ate up every fiber of my being for a long time. So even though you and I got to this point in life in totally different ways, I understand your feelings and words completely.

Hugs, my friend! (And it was great to see pictures of you in your most recent post. ;o))
~Candice

shmo said...

I work for a hospice here in Arkansas and was compelled to forward the link to this post to our staff, as a reminder of what our patients and families are experiencing. Thanks for your insight and raw emotion.

Anonymous said...

Hi:

I just have to tell you I love your blog. I read it every day, and from what I've seen I might be the reader who has less things in common with you.

I've never been married, I'm in my 20's, I don't have kids, I've never been around anyone sick... I'm not even an american! I'm just a mexican engineer girl inspired by your words every day. You make me laugh, you make me think, and with this post you almost made me cry at work!

Anyways, my best wishes to you and the twins (well my mom is a twin, one thing in common!) and please keep writing...

L

amber said...

thank you for this post. i was only 9 when my grandmother passed away from cancer, but i remember my mom praying that God would just take her home at the end, once it became clear that she wasn't going to get any better. i can only imagine the host of emotions that are brought to the surface when it's your spouse in that position.

much love to you and the kids.

karengberger said...

I was given a link to your blog by Live Happy. Thank you for sharing your raw and honest emotions. I understand some of what you are saying, all too well. Our 12-year old daughter died in 2007 from adrenocortical carcinoma. I send you my heartfelt compassion and solidarity. What you feel is what you feel, and you have every right to it. Telling the truth is powerful for you and for others. God bless you.

Christine said...

Oh my goodness, this was a post I needed to read today. I have been following your blog for awhile, more so since my Dad was diagnosed with Stage IV metastasized lung cancer last April. My mom and I are primary caregivers. Your list and expressions of both guilt and relief nailed it, and people who haven't gone through it really don't get it at all. My Dad is still here, stilling plugging away, but he has suffered irreversible brain damage from tumors and radiation. He is not the same person, and I try to tell people 'I lost my dad awhile ago. He's just still alive.' And they don't understand, they just tell me what a 'miracle' it is that he's still alive. Yeah, my once vibrant, full of life dad, the avid backpacker and brilliant writer, who can now barely walk and do little more than sit in a chair all day. That's not a miracle.

Thank you for posting this.

Anonymous said...

My brother-in-law died last week after 9 months of fighting cancer. Your words perfectly described what our family experienced. Watching someone fight to live with and eventually die with cancer is too sad, anger-provoking, and soul-draining to articulate very well - you nailed it.
Rebecca

Roads said...

Wow. I love that post, Snick. And I can relate to every word.

Every. Single. One.

And I don't know if it helps that much but I can say in all honesty that I lived it, too.

All best wishes and hugs from London. And spirits up.

Christine said...

You are an unbelievable, ballsy person for sharing so much with us. Thank you. And on a somewhat lighter note, I too never like to see Daycare (I have them programmed in) come up on my cell phone during the day either.

Carol said...

Snick,

I was starting to reread this entry when I remembered that I wanted to tell you that our pediatrician told me to swab a little neosporin in my daughters nostrils during nose bleed season. It allows the nose to heal and lessens the nosebleeds. I used q-tips to do the swabbing. Can't promise it helped, but I felt like it did.

Now I'll go back and read the rest of your post.

Anonymous said...

thanks for sharing. I lost my brother in law last October - he left my sister and a beautiful 1 year-old boy. Thanks for your example.

rpg - Brussels, Belgium

Skye said...

I just want to thank you for sharing with the world your journey with such honesty and passion. As I read, I cried. God how I cried. I lost my husband in August of 2008 to the beast as well and your writing captured the myriad of emotions a parter and caregiver experiences. I hope that blogging brings your clarity and peace as I have found it has done for me.

Linda said...

I started crying as I read this post. So hauntingly painful and beautiful.

Mel said...

That is a powerful description. You make the impossible-to-understand somehow make sense.

Thank you.

Congratulations on your move, too. It was really hard for me to do after Greg died, especially because it forced me to go through his things. But it was very important and ultimately the best thing to do.

Living with someone else keeps you sane! I live with my sister and there is no way I could take care of my nearly 2-year old without the company of another adult in the house. Sometimes, you just need someone to shoot the shit with.

luna said...

this is such an achingly honest post. just beautiful.

simojt_jeffrey said...

Hi everyone...

Reading this wonderful story truly makes you feel God's power, love and compassion over His people. An eye opener towards the realms of our spirituality. I urge you to through the links and let know your comments by posting it below. So go on, experience life one's more with God's words...and try to search in google the thankgodforebooks My Husband Died by Luan Mitchell.... thank you

Anonymous said...

Who knows where to download XRumer 5.0 Palladium?
Help, please. All recommend this program to effectively advertise on the Internet, this is the best program!

Anonymous said...

I just lost my partner to cancer a few weeks ago. Thank you for representing the caretaking alumna so well.

Eva Morgan said...


I am EVa Morgan, from New York City.
I have done Chemo and Radiation 2 times for my Skin/Breasts. My battle with cancer started 5 years ago, after so many Chemo, Radiation, 1 surgery and other natural therapy treatment that i took just to cure my Skin/Breast cancer, it all didn't work for my condition. I have been treating this disease for the past 5 years, but today i am here telling the world about my final victory over Skin/Breast cancer with the help of high grade Indica Bud Cannabis Oil that I bought from Dr. Bobby at: bayfordmedicalservice@gmail.com, This is a breakthrough in my family with so much Joy in our life today, i do really appreciate all the help and contribution from every member of my family for all they did for me and my daughter. Cannabis Oil is a world saver medication and it should be legalize worldwide, for those who wish to purchase the medication, just contact Dr. Bobby on: bayfordmedicalservice@gmail.com for purchase of medication.
What a wonderful medication called Hemp Oil, Please stop cancer with Dr. Bobby Cannabis Oil before it stop you from Breathing. It an advise to the World.
CANNABIS OIL IS THE REAL CURE FOR ALL CANCER. AM A LIVING TESTIMONY TO IT WONDERFUL HEALING.

Eva Morgan said...


I am EVa Morgan, from New York City.
I have done Chemo and Radiation 2 times for my Skin/Breasts. My battle with cancer started 5 years ago, after so many Chemo, Radiation, 1 surgery and other natural therapy treatment that i took just to cure my Skin/Breast cancer, it all didn't work for my condition. I have been treating this disease for the past 5 years, but today i am here telling the world about my final victory over Skin/Breast cancer with the help of high grade Indica Bud Cannabis Oil that I bought from Dr. Bobby at: bayfordmedicalservice@gmail.com, This is a breakthrough in my family with so much Joy in our life today, i do really appreciate all the help and contribution from every member of my family for all they did for me and my daughter. Cannabis Oil is a world saver medication and it should be legalize worldwide, for those who wish to purchase the medication, just contact Dr. Bobby on: bayfordmedicalservice@gmail.com for purchase of medication.
What a wonderful medication called Hemp Oil, Please stop cancer with Dr. Bobby Cannabis Oil before it stop you from Breathing. It an advise to the World.
CANNABIS OIL IS THE REAL CURE FOR ALL CANCER. AM A LIVING TESTIMONY TO IT WONDERFUL HEALING.

Rick Simpson said...

I am Carlos Alber, I never believe i will see 2014 who reside in New York City, U.S.A. I have been suffering from Colon cancer lungs with metastasis to other part of my body. Ever since the discovery of this diseases, my entire life have been depressed and emotional down, it was a Death roll Sentence on my life, but still I honor you all for your prayers and concern toward my life and my family and I earnestly pray for God to be with you all, i also use the medium to thanks to the Dr who God has sent to help me cure this unimaginable, terrible and horrible illness called cancer. Knowing that i had colon cancer with mets to some part of my body break my heart and make me lifeless, My family have never knew true peace ever since the diagnose of this disease and period given to live. My wife heard that cannabis Oil could help, and for the price the entire family was strong in faith and willing to try anything that would save my Life, I have completed the treatment regime with total eradication of the disease from all parts of my body. I am very grateful to Dr ricksimpson for providing the cannabis oil medication for me and his Medical Advises. I letting all those fighting against cancerous diseases know that Hemp oil is a hundred percent victorious medication against cancer and related diseases.Contact Rick Simpson and see your cancer issues solved for life, he is trust wealthy and sincere. have a life time conversation with him Email:rickcancercure@gmail.com
He put a smile on my family and I honor the days of knowing him and his service.

Rick Simpson said...

Hi, It nice to inform you all that I have done Chemo and Radiation 2 times for my Breasts. My battle with Breast cancer started 5 years ago, after so many Chemo, Radiation and other natural therapy treatment that i took just to cure my Breast cancer, it all didn’t work for my condition. I have been treating this disease for the past 5 years, but today i am here telling the world about my final victory over Breast cancer with the help of Rick Simpson Hemp and cannabis Oil that I bought from Dr.Rick.This is a breakthrough in my family with so much Joy in our life today, i do really appreciate all the help and contribution from every member of my family for all they did for me and much love to my caring and loving husband. My love, you gave me the strengthen. Let Stop Breast Cancer, Go for your test and save your life, but if you have any cancerous diseases, there is no need to waste money on Chemo or Radiation, go get your Rick Simpson medication today,this is a medication that should be legalize worldwide, for those who wish to purchase the medication, just contact Dr.Rick on: rickcancercure@gmail.com and you will also be told on how to apply it. What a wonderful living with Cannabis Oil. Alice Jams USA

Rick Simpson said...

My name is Mrs Tracy Brown from Canada,I never believe My husband will see 2014 It is with pleasure that i thank Rick Simpson for saving my dying husband with his cannabis oil.
We already lost hope for a better life when the report came that my husband cannot go for more Chemo anymore. But after so many research online, I gained a lot about the cannabis oil that i bought from the Rick Simpson whose contact I got online on reading a testimony about his past works and glory, The medication was delivered to me within 24 hours by the UPS delivery service after procurement. My husband has completed his treatment, unquenchable joy to all as my husband is cured of his stage 4 lungs cancer within 90 days of treatment. Thanks to all, today i acknowledge the greatness of cannabis oil and to those that wish to purchase the medication contact Rick Simpson at: rickcancercure@gmail.com for help.
Cannabis Oil is the a medication for cancerous disease.

Marian Carson said...




Hello Good Friends of the world, I am Marian Carson, from Texas, U.S.A who suffer from breast and lungs cancer, basically a Death Sentence on my life and i thank you all my friends for your prayer and concern toward my life and i pray for God to be with you all. My friends gave me Rick Simpson contact, guarantee me that he was the one to help me cure my cancer and Thank God to Rick Simpson who God has sent to help me through my friends cure the terrible cancer illness which has almost taken my life. The thoughts of having Breast and lungs Cancer burns and itches simultaneously in my heart that i was dead alive. I heard that Hemp Oil could help, my friend gave me assurance that Rick Simpson oil will cure my cancer, for he has done it for several of them and for the price i was willing to try anything that would save my My Life, what I found out was astonishing! It was instantly getting better and better after 60 days of using Doctor Rick Simpson Hemp Oil and most of the virus are gone and just little medication left for me. I am very grateful to Rick Simpson for Selling the Hemp Oil for me and his Medical Advises, for all those that have problems with Cancer Please Kindly let him Know, he will help you with all you need to cure your cancer, he is trust lovely, caring,wealthy and sincere. Talk to him with this Email:ricksimpsoncancercure01@gmail.com He saved my Life that is why i will keep on giving his testimonies. Marian Carson Texas, United State of America. contact Rick Simpson: ricksimpsoncancercure01@gmail.com he will save your life and your family.

Rick Simpson said...

Rick Simpson’s Hemp Oil Medicine: Natural Cure For Cancer Using Concentrated Cannabis Oil

Welcome to Global Green Dispensary:
Hello everyone,
Collectively, our mission is to provide clinical grade medicine both medical marijuana and Cannabis oil to our members in a cost effective manner. We strive to keep our member collectives ahead of the rest If you desire premium medicine for your patients, we are your provider.
Our Oil Cure s Arthritis! Snoring! Diarrhea! Acne! Diabetes! Removes warts! Migraines! Lose weight! Alcoholism! Glaucoma!
IT CURES CANCER! All forms of cancer!

And all without any detrimental effects whatsoever!Emil: ricksimpsoncancercure01@gmail.com

Add to the extravagant medical claims, the additional accusation that you can’t get this treatment because of a conspiracy by Big Pharma and greedy, grasping doctors who want people to suffer so they can charge them lots of money to fix them with agonizing tortures that don’t work.

High Quality cancer cannabis oil and top shelf marijuana for patients with illness like cancer,pain,insomnia,anxiety,liver problem,epilepsy and more. on Sale at negotiable prices. Cancer cannabis oil on sale at excellent rate. Medicinal value.
PACKING: In plastic packs
MINIMUM ORDER: 1 ounce
CONTACT FOR PRICES
Mobile:..... +1 (727) 222-5597
Email.......ricksimpsoncancercure01@gmail.com
Email.......rickcancercure02@gmail.com
Skype.......rick.simpson63

ggggg said...

Att;
My name is Mr Dickson i was afflicted with a serious illness which i consulted many spell cast prophet which did not help me but all they did was to scam me and add more to my problems so i was almost at the point of death and i promise myself never to believe any spell caster in life until i met with Mrs Dorcas who was scam in a loan transaction who told me about this great spell-caster Dr Tanasia, who help her and her family during their problems and i just give the great spell caster a chance and he solved my problems and today i am grateful to announce to yo that we now have a great spell-caster who can trustfully solve all your problems if you are tired down and you want to solve your problems kindly email Dr Tanasia VIA; tanasiajobs210@gmail.com via his mobile number +27620171252 and i assure you 100% over your problem
Thanks
Warm Regard's
Mr Dickson

Kayla Schmister said...

Help me celebrate and thank the wonderful Rick Simpson Cannabis Oil that cured my Father who was diagnosed of A rare type of Prostate Cancer known as Neuroendocrine cancer in 19/09/2001, the Cannabis oil with high potency of THC and CBD content was successfully used in curing my father Neuroendocrine cancer under 4months and 3 weeks of full treatment circle. its a Miracle indeed, I thank God Almighty for Rick Simpson and his helpful Cannabis Oil that was used in saving my father life, Rick, You shall Blossom althrough your precious remaining days on earth. A great life Saver you.

You Can Contact Rick Simpson on: ricksimpsoncannabisoil@outlook.com

Web: www.paramount-oil.tk
Mobile: (+44) 703 194 2647
Text: +1 312 835 3384
email: ricksimpsoncannabisoil@outlook.com

kayla schmister Canada

Anonymous said...

I am from Ireland, I was diagnosed of Lungs Cancer in 2011, I have tried all possible means including Hemp oil, cannabis oil etc to get cured from this deadly disease but proved abortive until i saw a post on a health forum about a spell caster who casts herbal healing spells to heal all kind of incurable diseases including Cancer, LUPUS, HIV Aids, Hepers etc, at first i doubted it but decided to give it a try when i contacted him, he helped me cast a herbal healing spell for Cancer and i was totaly healed of the deadly disease within 72hours, contact this powerful healer now for cure to any kind of incurable diseases at azizahealingtemple@gmail.com

Jonathan Blaine said...

Rick Simpson hemp oil really cure cancer,
My name is Jonathan Blaine, I'm from Ontario, Canada.
In 2013, I was diagnosed with colon cancer (cancer that forms in the tissues of the colon)
I tried all sorts of treatments and treatment, including chemotherapy, radiotherapy,
immunotherapy and vaccine therapy in vain ... I'm worried, depressed, and confused
thinking I'm going to die of cancer,. until one faithful day, my wife says is relative
us on the wonderful Rick Simpson hemp oil, which have cured many cancer patients
For Years..We obtained Beforemedicalservice@yahoo.com and hemp oil was used
Successfully cure deadly colon cancer! within 3 months, its more than a miracle
Now I am cancer free!
Rick Simpson! My gratitude goes to you and Almighty God.

You can contact Rick Simpson

e-mail: Beforemedicalservice@yahoo.com

Mobile: +1 312 835 3384
(+44) 703 194 2647

Anonymous said...

Words are not enough to show my gratitude to Rick Simpson, My only daughter has been diagnosed with Brain Tumor that she could not do anything useful in her entire life, has just been successful save with Rick Simpson hemp Oil.With the Hemp Oil Of Rick Simpson she is now back alive with full recovery of her Brain Tumor, her tumor has been totally cured and she is healthy now. Thanks to Rick Simpson Hemp oil that Hemp oil was successfully used in curing my daughter Brain Tumor within 3 months as stated in instruction. Please contact him today through this email address:shakesspear23@yahoo.com OR shakesspear23@gmail.com

Anonymous said...

My wife has been suffering from thyroid cancer which was confirmed to be stage four, the doctor told me there was little he could do since she wasn’t responding to treatment but a friend of mine came to our rescue by ordering this cannabis oil from Shakes Spear which he said has been helping some patient fight against cancer of various types so we decided to give it a chance, so far my wife is improving perfectly very well and presently she can walk around the house all by herself. I felt its necessary i let others who are suffering from this acute disease that once you have a good cannabis oil it can really give one a sound second chance of living. by chance if you happen to be in need of this cannabis oil you can contact Shakes Spear who supplied I and my wife with this email: shakesspear23@yahoo.com OR shakesspear23@gmail.com

HE FIX THE FOLLOWING PROBLEMS TO ALL
ACROSS THE GLOBE ON:
1. Getting your lover or husband back
2. Spiritual bulletproof
3. Training
4. Money spell
5. Long life spell
6. Prosperity spell
7. Protection spell
8. Get a job spell
9. Becoming a manager spell
10. Get a huge loan without paying any fee spell
11. Getting your scam money back
12. Child spell
13. Pregnancy spell
14. Freedom spell
15. Love spell
16, vanishing spell
17. Invisible human spell
18. Success or pass spell
19. Marriage spell
20. Avenging spell
21. Popularity spell
22. Killing spell
23. Cancer spell
24. Supernatural power spell
25. Madness spell
26. Free house loan spell
27. Production spell of films and movie
28. Hiv/aids spell
29. Tuberculosis spell
30. Loose weight and body spell

contact me of any of these problem as I got solution to all... MY EMAIL ADDRESS IS:shakesspear23@yahoo.com OR shakesspear23@gmail.com

Anonymous said...

Been a HIV positive is just like been through hell but EVERYTHING IS POSSIBLE. So amazing and i want to testify of the good work done by DR. SHAKES SPEAR is a very strong and powerful spell caster. DR. SHAKES SPEAR has proved science and scientists wrong for believing and thinking that there is no cure for HIV AIDS but to be sincere this GREAT MAN is so real and powerful. I never thought that this spell will work but this GREAT MAN has proved it to me and it has worked and still working perfectly. My Name is Stella Lucas and i was diagnosed of the deadly disease called HIV AIDS in 2010 and i thought that was the end and there will be no hope. Speaking to anyone was always a problem because i was so worried and always in the state of unrest in fact i thought it was over until one blessed day when i was searching for help here on the internet, i came across a testimony about DR. Shakes Spear on how he has helped so many people on many issues in life, a lady who was HIV positive got cured by him, how he cured cancer, and he made so many women to be pregnant, and how he has cast a powerful spell to restore broken marriages and so on. At first i thought it was all a lie but i decided to give it a try since there was no option and, when i contacted this MAN he laughed and told me that, that is too small for him to handle but i was still in doubt, and he gave me a form to fill which I did, and he instructed me on what to do and i OBEYED him completely as he told me. Then he sent a parcel to me and it was a holy water and a pure holy oil as described by DR. SHAKES SPEAR I took the holy water and the holy oil and after taking it, he told me to go for check up but I was still in doubt and was so afraid to go for the test but i took a bold step and believed that it is well, and i believed all what he has done and all that he has told me. So i went to the hospital for the test it was so amazing, awesome and exciting what seems to be impossible became possible, the VIRUS disappeared completely from my system and I was tested HIV negative. Quickly I called him and told him what happened he congratulated me and today i am a happy woman again the way things use to be. Don't you think that this testimony is worth sharing? I promise to tell the world about him and i will keep sharing this testimony till the end because many people has died of AIDS and i want many people who believed that it is over to know that EVERYTHING IS POSSIBLE AND I WANT THEM TO GET HELP FROM THIS SPELL CASTER by contacting him on his email at: shakesspear23@yahoo.com OR shakesspear23@gmail.com for your solution now. If you are hiv positive and you think that it is over i want to tell you that there is hope for you and if you truly and dearly value your life please contact him now. THIS IS REAL HE IS NOT A SCAM, BELIEVE HIM AND DON'T ASK TOO MUCH QUESTIONS. Thank you DR. SHAKES SPEAR and May your good gods keep rewarding you... ONCE AGAIN HIS EMAIL ADDRESS IS: shakesspear23@yahoo.com OR shakesspear23@gmail.com

Anonymous said...

My wife has been suffering from thyroid cancer which was confirmed to be stage four, the doctor told me there was little he could do since she wasn’t responding to treatment but a friend of mine came to our rescue by ordering this cannabis oil from Shakes Spear which he said has been helping some patient fight against cancer of various types so we decided to give eit a chance, so far my wife is improving perfectly very well and presently she can walk around the house all by herself. I felt its necessary i let others who are suffering from this acute disease that once you have a good cannabis oil it can really give one a sound second chance of living. by chance if you happen to be in need of this cannabis oil you can contact Shakes Spear who supplied I and my wife with this email: shakesspear23@yahoo.com OR shakesspear23@gmail.com

HE FIX THE FOLLOWING PROBLEMS TO ALL
ACROSS THE GLOBE ON:
1. Getting your lover or husband back
2. Spiritual bulletproof
3. Training
4. Money spell
5. Long life spell
6. Prosperity spell
7. Protection spell
8. Get a job spell
9. Becoming a manager spell
10. Get a huge loan without paying any fee spell
11. Getting your scam money back
12. Child spell
13. Pregnancy spell
14. Freedom spell
15. Love spell
16, vanishing spell
17. Invisible human spell
18. Success or pass spell
19. Marriage spell
20. Avenging spell
21. Popularity spell
22. Killing spell
23. Cancer spell
24. Supernatural power spell
25. Madness spell
26. Free house loan spell
27. Production spell of films and movie
28. Hiv/aids spell
29. Tuberculosis spell
30. Loose weight and body spell

contact me of any of these problem as I got solution to all... MY EMAIL ADDRESS IS:shakesspear23@yahoo.com OR shakesspear23@gmail.com

Anonymous said...

BEWARE OF SCAM!!!! Greetings to the world, My name is Mrs. ROSE JACKSON I am from Poland am writing on what I passed through in my life, I have been barren for more than six years and my husband was no more happy with me, everyday was like a war in our lives both his family members were not happy with me, my life turned upside down and I never believed in any spell caster in my life because most of them are scams, but my friend Victoria made me know that (DR SHAKES IS THE GREAT SPELL CASTER SOMEONE CAN TRUST) she gave me his email and when I contacted DR SHAKES he made me believe that he is really indeed a GREAT ONE. Now am having my twin, a baby boy and a girl. Am happily living with my husband, no challenges you are passing through that DR SHAKES can not be of help to you....contact him now so your problems will be solved shakesspear23@yahoo.com OR shakesspear23@gmail.com....

Anonymous said...

My Name is Racheal Vivian, I wish to share my testimonies with the general public about what this man called Dr Shakes spell temple, on what he has just done for me , this man has just brought back my lost Ex husband with his great spell, I was married to this man called Mathew we were together for a long time and we love each other but when I was unable to give him a child after 2 years, he left me and told me he can't continue anymore then I was now looking for ways to get him back until a friend of mine told me about this man. My friend gave his email to me and asked me to contact him but I didn't want to because I doubted at first but later reconsidered because it's so rear for a man to be as powerful like she said. So I contacted her through this email ( shakesspear23@yahoo.com OR shakesspear23@gmail.com) You won't believe this when I contacted this man and told him my problems he cast the spell and my ex came back begging on his knees and asking me to forgive him. Not only that after a month I miss my monthly flow, when I went to my doctor, he confirm that I am pregnant so I told myself that I will testify to the whole wide world about the wonders of the powerful man if I give birth successfully. I am so happy today because I am a mother of a bouncing baby girl, thank you once again the great Dr Shakes Spear for what you have done for me, if you are out there passing through any of the following situations :
(1) If you want your ex-back.
(2) If you always have bad dreams.
(3) You want to be promoted in your office.
(4) You want women/men to run after you.
(5) If you want a child.
(6) You want to be rich.
(7) You want to tie your husband/wife to be yours forever.
(8) If you need financial assistance.
(9) Herbal care
(10) if you are unable to satisfy your wife sex desire due to low err action.
(11) If your menstruation refuse to come out the day it suppose or over flows.
(12) If your work refuse to pay you, people owing you.
(13) Solve a land issue and get it back.
(14) Did your family Denny you of your right?
(15) Do you have a low sperm count?
(16) Are you contesting for any political position in your country?
(17) Case solves E.T.C
You are free to contact him at ( shakesspear23@yahoo.com OR shakesspear23@gmail.com ) ..... CONTACT HIM NOW FOR ALL ANSWERS TO ANY KIND OF PROBLEMS:shakesspear23@yahoo.com OR shakesspear23@gmail.com

Anonymous said...

My Name is Racheal Vivian, I wish to share my testimonies with the general public about what this man called Dr Shakes spell temple, on what he has just done for me , this man has just brought back my lost Ex husband with his great spell, I was married to this man called Mathew we were together for a long time and we love each other but when I was unable to give him a child after 2 years, he left me and told me he can't continue anymore then I was now looking for ways to get him back until a friend of mine told me about this man. My friend gave his email to me and asked me to contact him but I didn't want to because I doubted at first but later reconsidered because it's so rear for a man to be as powerful like she said. So I contacted her through this email ( shakesspear23@yahoo.com OR shakesspear23@gmail.com) You won't believe this when I contacted this man and told him my problems he cast the spell and my ex came back begging on his knees and asking me to forgive him. Not only that after a month I miss my monthly flow, when I went to my doctor, he confirm that I am pregnant so I told myself that I will testify to the whole wide world about the wonders of the powerful man if I give birth successfully. I am so happy today because I am a mother of a bouncing baby girl, thank you once again the great Dr Shakes Spear for what you have done for me, if you are out there passing through any of the following situations :
(1) If you want your ex-back.
(2) If you always have bad dreams.
(3) You want to be promoted in your office.
(4) You want women/men to run after you.
(5) If you want a child.
(6) You want to be rich.
(7) You want to tie your husband/wife to be yours forever.
(8) If you need financial assistance.
(9) Herbal care
(10) if you are unable to satisfy your wife sex desire due to low err action.
(11) If your menstruation refuse to come out the day it suppose or over flows.
(12) If your work refuse to pay you, people owing you.
(13) Solve a land issue and get it back.
(14) Did your family Denny you of your right?
(15) Do you have a low sperm count?
(16) Are you contesting for any political position in your country?
(17) Case solves E.T.C
You are free to contact him at ( shakesspear23@yahoo.com OR shakesspear23@gmail.com ) ..... CONTACT HIM NOW FOR ALL ANSWERS TO ANY KIND OF PROBLEMS:shakesspear23@yahoo.com OR shakesspear23@gmail.com

Anonymous said...

Shakira Elliot Says

Am giving this testimony cos am happy

My name is Shakira Elliot from Houston,taxes.i never believed in love spells or magic until i met this spell caster once. when i went to Africa in June 28th 2013 this year on a business summit. i ment a man called DR SHAKES SPEAR. He is powerful he could help you cast a spells to bring back my love's gone,misbehaving lover looking for some one to love you, bring back lost money and magic money spell or spell for a good job.i'm now happy & a living testimony cos the man i had wanted to marry left me 3 weeks before our wedding and my life was upside down cos our relationship has been on for 2 years. i really loved him, but his mother was against me and he had no good paying job. so when i met this spell caster, i told him what happened and explained the situation of things to him..at first i was undecided,skeptical and doubtful, but i just gave it a try. and in 6 days when i returned to taxes, my boyfriend (is now my husband ) he called me by himself and came to me apologizing that everything had been settled with his mom and family and he got a new job interview so we should get married..i didn't believe it cos the spell caster only asked for my name and my boyfriends name and all i wanted him to do. well we are happily married now and we are expecting our little kid,and my husband also got a new job and our lives became much better. in case anyone needs the spell caster for some help, email address: shakesspear23@yahoo.com OR shakesspear23@gmail.com

GREAT SHAKES SPEAR i thank you very much thank you in 1000000 times.. if not you i would have been losted and wasted thank you. Email Him Through his email address... shakesspear23@yahoo.com OR shakesspear23@gmail.com

please make sure you contact him for any financial difficulties okay..

What a powerful man such as DR SHAKES SPEAR.. he is so much powerful..\\ email him for any difficulties.. shakesspear23@yahoo.com OR shakesspear23@gmail.com

Anonymous said...

I never knew cannabis oil was indeed wonderful and very effective in treating cancer’ if not for the government and their so called rules in regulating cannabis my Dad would have still been alive. thanks to the newly policy for legalizing cannabis else i would have still lost my son to kidney cancer, i was really touched and surprised when i watch lots of documentary on how cannabis oil had helped lot of people whom their family members never thought they could make it after undergoing several ”Chemo” from the dept of my heart i must say a word of appreciation to Dr Shakes Spear for the timely intervention in the life of my son suffering from Kidney Cancer. as i am writing this testimony on this Blog my Son is so strong and healthy in spite he hasn’t completed the total Dosage’ for your cannabis and medical consultation try and get in touched with him through his email: (shakesspear23@yahoo.com or shakesspear23@gmail.com ) so he can enlightened you more.

Paul Morgan said...

When I was told by my doctor I had only 6 months before my lungs
cancer could mean a stroke or heart attack I was beyond devastated.
After reading the cancer cannabis oil miracle cure, I had to contact
Rick Simpson on email:
beforemedicalservice@yahoo.com
which I eventually made order for
the medication which arrive within 3 days of order.
I started treatment and implementing what you teach I was noticing
almost instant results! It's been 89 days and my lungs cancer is
finally under control, no matter what I eat or do with my life.
My doctor, aside from being totally confused by my recovery has said I
am now no longer a lungs cancer sufferer anymore, and it's all thanks
to what you showed me.

Thank you, I am forever grateful.

Get your own medication by contacting rick on email;

Beforemedicalservice@yahoo.com or
Mobile +16786678019

Sandra Morgan said...

I am making this testimony on the internet because i made a vow to myself and Doctor Atete that i will tell the world about his wonderful spell. Doctor Atete has wiped my tear with his spell, He has made me happy again by helping me get my Husband back with his spell after 17 years of breakup. Doctor Atete is truely a God on Earth sent by Almighty God to help man kind. My husband left me 17 years ago when he saw a beautiful Girl and told me he does not love me any more and ever since then i have been looking for solution till my best friend told me how Doctor Atete helped her and so many people with his spell so i contacted him last week Monday via email and explained my problems to him and he told me that my husband will come back to me within 12 to 16 hours begging on his knees for me to accept him back after he had finish the preparation of the spell. I am so glad today because my husband is back to me, he came back to me Wednesday evening just as Doctor Atete promise me. you can call me 365 556 9902 for more information or contact Doctor Atete via Email: doctoratetespelltemple@hotmail.com or website: http://drzazazworldofpowerfulspellwebscom.webs.com or Whatsapp: +2348068784784 or call him: +2348068784784 or +2347056505954 for help

Tanya Albert said...

Am Tanya Albert am giving a testimony about Dr. Ekpiku the great Herbalist, he has the cure to all manner of diseases, he cured my herpes simplex virus, though I went through different website I saw different testimonies about different spell casters and herbalist, I was like: 'Many people have the herpes simplex virus cure why are people still suffering from it?' I though of it, then I contact Dr. Ekpiku via email, I didn't believe him that much, I just wanted to give him a try, he replied my mail and Needed some Information about me, then I sent them to him, he prepared it (CURE) and sent it to Airfreight Online Courier Service for delivery, he gave my details to the Courier Office, they told me that 3-5 days I will receive the package and i took the medicine as prescribed by him and I went for check-up 1 week after finishing the medicine, I was tested herpes simplex virus negative, if you are herpes simplex virus patient do me a favor for you to contact him and I will try my possible best to make sure you get cured, when you contact him, make sure you tell him that I referenced you.. contact him via: ekpikuspelhomeofgrace@gmail.com or ekpikuspelhomeofgrace@hotmail.com call +2348073673757 OR whatsapp him ,or search the Google to know more of his product!! http://ekpikuspellhomeofgrace.blogspot.com/ THESE ARE THE THINGS Dr. Ekpiku. . HERPES . HIV/AIDS . CANCER . ALS disease.

Mark Robbin said...

RABIES DISEASES

God bless Dr. Adagba for his marvelous work in my life, I was diagnosed of RABIES DISEASES since 2010 and I was taking my medications, I wasn't satisfied i needed to get the RABIES DISEASES out of my system, I searched about some possible cure for RABIES DISEASES i saw a comment about Dr. Adagba, how he cured RABIES DISEASES with his herbal medicine, I contacted him and he guided me. I asked for solutions, he started the remedy for my health, he sent me the medicine through UPS SPEED POST. I took the medicine as prescribed by him and 14 days later i was cured from RABIES DISEASES, Dr. Adagba truly you are great, do you need his help also? Why don't you contact him through adagbaspiritualtemple@yahoo.com whatsapp him on

+2348115200304

DOCTOR ADAGBA CAN AS WELL CURE THE FOLLOWING DISEASE:-

1. HIV/AIDS
2. HERPES
3. CANCER
4. ALS
5. AMOEBIC MENINGOENCEPHALITIS
6. ANTHRAX
7. PLAGUE
8. EBOLA
9. BRING OF EX LOVER BACK TO LOVE YOU AGAIN

adagbaspiritaultemple@yahoo.com

contact him now and all your sorrow shall be turn to joy.

Hsbc HSBC PRESTAMO said...

" I am here to express my profound warm gratitude to the Rick Simpson THC-CBD Cannabis oil, which i got from the Affiliated Rick Simpson Team with 48 hours delivery here in the States. I am now leaving a healthy life since the past 5 months after the completion of my cancer treatment with the CBD-THC cannabis Oil from Rick Simpson Team i am now cancer free after the application and usage. Rick Simpson THC-CBD is currently the only cure for cancer, Ms and every other diseases as am A living witness of this great miracle you can save more patient from pharmaceutical scandals by sharing or contacting the Special medical team for the Medication
via email:thc-cbdcannabisoil (at) outlook(dot)com or ricksimpsoncannabisoil (at) outlook(dot)com
Let Stop Cancer with Rick Simpson Cannabis Oil.. Save life's by sharing on all social network as God will bless you as you share this information that will give every cancer patient's a hope for a new Life which they I lost total hope of.
God Bless you as you help save others, For My household, we would keep fighting the Good fight against Cancer worldwide.
Sincerely
Phillip Clasper
Oklahoma

Johnson Oleg said...

I am here to express my profound warm gratitude to the Rick Simpson hemp oil, which i got from Dr Oscar. I am now leaving a healthy life since the past 1 Year i am now cancer free after the application and usage. You can contact for your medication from via email:droscarhealtcare01@hotmail.com Wish you all the best and a happy healing. Thanks and God Bless you for your help, i will keep on help you to fight cancer in the World.
Sincerely
Johnson Oleg
Chicago

Tanya Albert said...

Am Tanya Albert, Dr. Ekpiku God will continue to bless you more abundantly, for the good works you are doing in peoples life, I will keep on writing and posting testimonies about you on the Internet, I’m Tanya Albert, I was a HIV patient, I saw a blog on how Dr. Ekpiku cured someone, I contacted him and also got my healing, kindly email him now on ekpikuspelhomeofgrace@gmail.com or ekpikuspelhomeofgrace@hotmail.com email me on tanya.albert58@yahoo.co.uk. THESE ARE THE THINGS Dr. Ekpiku. . HERPES . HIV/AIDS . CANCER...

xen jim said...

I am so grateful to Rick for providing me with Hemp oil here in the United State of America. I was diagnose with breast cancer 3 years ago, and ever since i have done a lot of Chemo and Radiation that have not helped me, but only damaged my immune system and render it weak and helpless. I came across the Phoenix Tears and i have read about the Rick Simpson Hemp oil a lot and saw that he could provide me with Hemp Oil here in the State, i contact him on:rickcurecancerfoundation@gmail.com

morgan philip said...

Life bounced back!!!

Hi , My name is charlespalmer. i want to share my testimony to everyone out there, and to help me thank RS. phoenixtears. Three years ago, after a prostate biopsy , my wife was given the diagnosis of aggressive Stage III adenocarcinoma . I didn ’ t know what to do . The urologist made appointments for my wife to start radiation , and may be chemo. Then a friend told me cannabis cures cancer . It just so happened that the first human trials of cannabis treatment of astrocytomas (inoperable breast cancer ) , were published with encouraging results . So I decided; rather than my wife die from the medical treatment , I would do the cannabis cure . Now… where to get some . There was no dispensary in the area, but a friend made me cannabis butter , so my wife took that, up to tolerance. In three months the primary cancer was gone , only minor metastatic lesions were left . At that point I found a supplier for phoenixtearslives oil and killed off the metastases in the next three months. Now I just take a maintenance dose of locally produced hash oil that is 1: 1 THC: CBD with about a 30 % potency . This will certainly keep my wife clear of cancer , anywhere, for ever . My point in telling this story is the fact that in the face of advanced aggressive cancer , all I had was very weak canna butter , but it was enough to eliminate the primary tumor . If you have cancer and want to pursue the cannabis treatment, please don't die in silent please email: phoenixtearslives@gmail.com

Unknown said...

My name is Perry and my father has been suffering from lung cancer and the doctor told us that there is nothing he could do after doing 5 times chemotherapy and radiation and my father was not responding to treatment and not getting better.i was frustrated and confused and seeking advice from people until a friend told me about Dr. Koffi herbal cannabis oil and its fast curing ability of any kind of cancer and told me that her mother ovarian cancer was cured with the cannabis oil. I was desperate to save my father and i contacted Dr. Koffi via email to get the miraculous oil. As i am writing this testimony on this Blog my father is so strong and healthy no more cancer in his cell blood again.my Father has been his self and i am so excited of his fast recovery and with the help of this oil. What a miracle. My Father is now back alive, strong and health just within 3 weeks. We have gone for test and the doctor said no trance of cancer again.

You Can Contact Dr. Koffi on: Ultimatecancercure@yahoo.com

Success Puga said...

Am Success Puga from USA. I can’t believe this. A great testimony that i must share to all HERPES patient in the world i never believed that their could be any complete cure for HERPES or any cure for HERPES,i saw people’s testimony on blog sites of how DR Ekpiku prepare herbal cure and brought them back to life again. i had to try it too and you can,t believe that in just few weeks i started using it all my pains stop gradually and i had to leave without the HERPES DRUGS the doctor gave to me. Right now i can tell you that few months now i have not had any pain,delay in treatment leads to death. Here is his email:ekpikuspellhomeofgrace@hotmail.com or ekpikuspellhomeofgrace@gmail.com his WHATSAPP number is +2348073673757
DOCTOR Ekpiku CAN AS WELL CURE THE FOLLOWING DISEASE:-

1. HIV/AIDS
2. HERPES
3. CANCER
4. ALS
5. Hepatitis B
6. Parkinson