This post is not off to a good start. That is the most boring title for a post ever. Maybe I should have called it Date # 11: Boring! Plus Not Much Else to Say! but that would have given it all away.
For the record, I'm writing this post while sitting at my desk wearing my pajamas, the same pajamas I put on at around 9:00 p.m. last night before crawling into bed with In 10,000 Pages the Harry Potter Series Will Finally Be Over (or whatever HP #7 is really called, and which, for some reason, I have not yet read). That I would wear the same pajamas two nights in a row is of absolutely no note whatsoever; the noteworthy item is that the pajamas have been on my body since 9:00 p.m. last night. Yes, I spent all day in my pajamas, and it was awesome. Maddie and Riley wore their PJs all day, too, until bath time. Our day included brunch with friends (preplanned to take place in pajamas for all), and a trip to Trader Joe's (no one blinks an eye if toddlers are out in pajamas, and, as an adult in a very cold clime, I can just throw a Sleeping Bag Coat over whatever I'm wearing and no one is the wiser). I'm thinking that, if at all possible, every Sunday should be a Pajamas All Day kind of day.
But this post is not supposed to be about pajamas! It's supposed to be about Mr. Coffee.
We had Date #11 over a week ago, on a random Thursday, exactly one week after Thanksgiving, to be precise. We had dinner near his house, then went back to his place and had a nice talk and it was fine but kind of boring and he spent A LOT of time talking about how stressed out he is at work and how he's looking for another job and blah blah blah. That's fine; I don't mind listening to him vent about work. Listening is key part of any relationship. I did my own venting, too, as this was merely two days after we had big layoffs, and he was good about hearing me out and being appropriately sympathetic. We also had some very vague semblance of a relationship talk in which we both spoke in major generalities about how nice it can be to have a meaningful relationship in your life but how it takes a long time to build that kind of bond. Eh. The whole thing just felt . . . flat. It was a perfectly nice evening, but kind of blah.
Our only contact since then has been one e-mail exchange in which I said, "Hey, ho, I'm around but I've got some holiday plans so let me know if you want to try to get together," and he replied, "Hey, ho, I'm swamped with real work and work holiday obligations and I'd love to see you but I'm just really, really busy, so, who knows?" I replied and said, "Well, then, let me know if you want to get together, good luck with all the work stuff, call if you want to talk anything through or whatever."
His message could mean many things, from exactly what it says to, "I'm too busy screwing Lufthansa* flight attendants to talk to you." I chose to take it at face value, let him know that I was around, and see what happens. The ball is in his court. He can call if he wants, or not if he doesn't want.
If he does not call, I will be a bit sad but not brokenhearted by a long shot. Mr. Coffee has been exactly what I've needed in my life: sexy, exciting, casual, a breath of fresh air. It's starting to seem that we're not meant to go the distance, although us continuing to see each other is not off the table. I'll be a little annoyed and quite surprised if he just fades away rather than having the balls to at least call and say, "This isn't working for me anymore," but I'm also not going to waste my time fretting about it if that's how it plays out, and I don't feel a need to read him a riot act or get some kind of explanation or anything from him.
And who knows? He might call. Frankly, I think he will; it's just a matter of if he calls to say hello or goodbye. If he says hello? There are lots of things about our relationship that work great for me. It's not a demand on my time (of which I have little), it's fun (although somewhat less so lately), and it's a grown-up diversion. Ultimately, I would like to find someone interested in getting married, being a parent to Maddie and Riley, and working on the whole family dynamic. Mr. Coffee has always been completely up front with me that it takes him a long time to build real emotional connections, so I think if he's interested in us continuing to see each other, it's up to me to decide if I want to be patient and see where things go. I'm not sure I have the time to see if things get real.
Lordy, this whole post is as boring as the title! Upshot: things are the same as they've always been, and I'm OK with it. Sure, we could have "The Talk." But for whatever reason, I don't feel a need to force that. Will things fizzle out? Straggle along? Take a dramatic turn for the serious? Who knows! I'm so focused on making it through the holidays in one piece that I've devoted little brainspace to the whole dating thing, and, honestly, I think it's the same for Mr. Coffee. Stay tuned to see if we reconnect in 2009! The suspense it killing you all, I'm sure.
*No, not a clue to his nationality.
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22 comments:
I like boring Sundays and especially like the idea of a pajama Sunday. I often do the next best thing and throw on a track suit when I get up in the morning. Today was a day of lugging Primo and Secondo, around, desperately hoping they'd go down for a nap, as I was short on sleep while Keen worked on the Mother of All Translations. No dice, though we did have a nice trip to the spray park. No sprays for the winter, but it's enclosed and has plenty of other diversions.
Cheers,
Paul
Sounds like a face value statement to me. The holidays are, as you know, especially busy. And especially busy for single parents. I wouldn't necessary put this in a "he's not that into you" box. (You're not, but I suspect some readers will.) It sounds to me like he's just a slow mover, and you might not want to take that kind of time.
It does sound to me like he needs to learn work life balance -- and a new job might not solve his issue.
You do what YOU need or want to do and when YOU need or want to do it!!!! No need to classify anything, if it's serving it's purpose in making you happy and fulfilled right now then there ya go!!! I think it's great that you have such a grasp of what it might be or "mightent" be. LOL. I know that's not a word. Whatever. I'm having fun and am still in my PJs after like 31 hours or something, too.
Did your mom tell you we're snowed in? Remember, this is Oregon...not the northeast...people out here don't know how to deal with Mr. Snowmiser! HA! (To their credit, it IS pretty icy, even from a former Vermonters standpoint...)
Ignore the apostrophe in the second "it's"...darn, I hate it when I do that!
LOL
Sometimes it works, and sometimes it doesn't. FWIW, I think it's good not to rush, so this might be for the best (as you acknowledge) although it's still pretty mind-churning when things go rocky for a while.
The problem with being widowed is that you have this darned vulnerability. Not having your lover in your bed each night is a much more difficult fact about bereavement than most people would ever wish to acknowledge. It makes you bloody lonely, and er, needy, for want of a better word.
You'll be aware by now as well of the inconvenient fact that each setback has the potential to knock you back to the beginning, or at least for a while it feels that way.
But like L'Oreal, you're worth it, and you're special. So take your time, as best you can. If this guy can take it or leave it, then he really needs to work a darned sight harder. IMHO.
Spirits up.
Snick - LOVE pajama days. Love them. Glad for the update on Mr. Coffee, actually was wondering. I guess I like what first anon said. It is a busy time of year. And your right, see what happens in the new year. Again Sick, you sound very healthy with the whole relationship. He is filling a need and who knows if it will continue or not. Good for you.
Sounds like you're handling it well. It makes sense to wait and see. Forcing The Talk when you've barely seen each other lately seems, well, forced.
I love the pajama Sunday idea! I did that, too, but only cause I caught the flu that's going around.
Hope the ice storm didn't impact you!
How dissappointing of Mr. Coffee. But you never know....he might be as stressed out like you w/surviving the whole holidays. Men are a different species.
Holidays are hard busy stressful. I agree with anon and you. Just both of you deal with your holiday rush stuff and see what happens. No pressure is a good thing and a nice thing.
Regarding Mr. Coffee, it is good and healthy that you've had this experience with him. You felt the need to get back into the dating pool and were lucky enough to find a kind, interesting, sexy man with whom to do it. If your relationship with him fizzles out you still have good memories and have not had an experience that will cause you to hesitate about trying again, so that's all to the good.
Frankly I'd be a bit worried about this first new relationship getting too serious; I think it has, as you said, been exactly what you needed it to be. See where it goes and when the time is right you'll know what to do.
Snick - I must say I really enjoy your posts. Sometimes boring is good. I LOVE the fact you wore pjs out in public!! Love It!!
Sounds like Mr. Coffee is a transitional man, which is fine, and probably necessary for you at this stage. The ambiguity would bother me, but it sounds like you are being very mature about everything. And yay for pajamas!
you mean most people don't wear PJs in public on a daily basis?
Another thought about Mr. Coffee... This first Christmas with the redhead is a bit puzzling. Where are we on the gift buying spectrum? Do we? How much do we spend? practical or romantic?
It is my general impression that men (and I was married to one) would rather not deal with the gift decision if they didn't have to. I spent 7 years as the gift buyer in the family - my family and his. The holidays are very busy, I wonder if that plus the pressure of the perfect, send the right message gift, has just made him AWOL for a week or two?
P.S. not boring. I need to stand up for un exciting and say that with all the shit we have going on ALL the time, a night of nothing exciting is always a welcome treat!
I think you are taking the right approach to Mr. Coffee. He was just the thing you needed but taking a more relaxed approach to see where is goes is key for you right now. The holidays are so hectic. You don't know what kind of family obligations he has. Holidays are huge family stuff so maybe his is keeping his distance for that reason. Also, many companies are swamped at the holidays with year end stuff. It could just be all that! good Luck. Also, don't ya just love PJ's.!
I didn't find that boring at all. Put Harry Potter in my hands though, and I would get angrily bored very,very quickly.
All sounds good with Mr Coffer to me, just what you need. And what's to say there isn't a Lufthansa pilot with your name on?
Yes, a pilot is way sexier than a flight attendant anyday... and I'm not even into men.
Snick - to me, it sounds a bit like you're trying to convince yourself. Or defend yourself - although I admit I could be way off. I'm with ya on the pj part though.
I clicked over here specifically because I had been wondering about Mr. Coffee....I agree with you a refreshing face in your chaotic life but if he is out then he should clue you in!
I don't hear you as defensive or trying to convince yourself re Mr. Coffee. I hear you as working through something that is different than anything you've experienced but is actually OK with you. But like Juliette, I admit I could be way off on this. A
Sometimes you just have to look at something as being just what it is. From the very beginning it has seemed to be just a booty-call. Maybe a little nicer than most, but still just a booty-call. Were either of you really looking for more?
Last night I wore boxer shorts and a t-shirt (my pjs) on a walk to the nearest 7-11 to get icecream...I am not waiting for pajamas in public to become the newest fashion trend - the time is now! :)
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