20 November 2008

Talking, Crying, Healing

I felt better when I went to therapy yesterday. The act of so much crying—on the phone with my mom, throughout the day and evening on Wednesday—had cleansed me a bit. A decent night's sleep on Wednesday night (punctuated only by a minor bloody nose for poor Miss Maddie) helped, too.

It was nice to feel less jagged and less volatile as I headed to therapy yesterday, but I also feel like it led to a somewhat less productive session. Or perhaps it's just a matter of expectations not meeting with results. I expected that I would do a lot of crying, perhaps some yelling, and leave with a prescription. Instead, all was pretty calm. I cried, but a sniffling, patchy kind of crying rather than the sobbing I expected. There was no yelling, although I did use the words "angry" and  "pissed" a lot, and I did show my therapist the bruised bit on my hand, the victim of the smack I gave the kitchen counter on Tuesday night when I was angry about . . . oh, who knows, really, perhaps it was the price of milk or the fact that my favorite mug wasn't clean. It's anyone's guess.

So we did talk about anger, so much so that we never talked about medication because by the time things headed that way, it was time to go. Next time. We discussed reasons why my anger seems to be intensifying right now (my idea: I've avoided dealing with it for so long that it just can't be held back any longer; her idea: my relationship with Mr. Coffee* is bringing up some issues for me around not having the kind of partner I wanted to have in John). She suggested that I keep some kind of Anger Journal, and jot down when and why I feel angry. I am reluctant to try that, which is a sure sign that it would be helpful, so I need to get over myself. If nothing else, it's a great excuse to buy a new Molskine notebook, with which I'm totally obsessed by always reluctant to spend money on. 

We also discussed how much regular exercise would help me. I have not been doing much (um, any) T-Tapping or Wii Fitting, and I need to get back to that, or, better yet, find a way/time to run without the twins, even just once a week. We'll see. If there were a simple way for me to fit in running, I'd be doing it already. But for now, I'm at least scheduled to take a run, albeit with twins, this Sunday afternoon with a couple of girlfriends.

There was more, but for now, I must go, and one of the things we discussed (when and how my friends and family can help me more) deserves a post of its own anyway. For now, I feel like there's some light shining down into the bottom of my pit (that was a little melodramatic) and that I can bumble along until my next session after Thanksgiving.

Thanksgiving! I need to write about Thanksgiving. Soon. 

*Said relationship is still going along quite nicely, although due to my volatile state, has gotten less attention around here of late. Good news: he has no work travel on his immediate schedule! Bad news: he's so stressed out by his job that he broke out in hives!


Single Parent Dad said...

You are your own best counsel.

Glad to here that some light is being shed on your current situation. It all has to be progress doesn't it?

It must have been tough for you lately, with the twins being ill. I'm glad to read that it looks like your things are on the way up.

Have a wonderful weekend, and enjoy your run.

Susan said...

One day at a time Snick, one day at a time. Enjoy your weekend.

NanarocksWeen said...

Glad to see a little more optimism in your latest post. Sometimes crying is a big release in itself. I'm anxious to read your future post about "when and how friends and family can help more." I wish I could just FIX my daughter's problems. Of course, that's impossible, I realize that. But maybe your post on how friends and family can help will give ME more ideas on what I can do to help MY daughter. Thanks for sharing, Snick. Hope you have a good weekend... Mr. Coffee has HIVES? Big Bummer :(

OTRgirl said...

(in a gentle tone of voice) It sounds a little like you'd hoped that the session would lead to a quick fix? It's disappointing when it feels like it's still a long road ahead. The good news is, it's not endless.

I'm glad that you're figuring out ways to let the anger out. That's such hard work.

I hear you on knowing something would be good for me and just resisting it on general principle. Why do we do that?

~moe~ said...

Tiny steps forward make way towards the shining light. You're taking the right steps to help you, and that's awesome.

Nancy said...

Still here "listening" :) I know it's not much, but it's there.

Anonymous said...

i would strongly urge you to get help especially if you have thoughts of suicide.

medicating can be very tricky especially for depression or mental illness.

it sounds like you're taking your angre out on people and that's really not good. did you tell your doc everything? maybe a week or two in a rehab centre will help you see more clearly in life.

BethGo said...

Rehab center?
Dude, if you go, I'll be right there with you.

It is really really hard to do this whole mom thing, especially on your own.

Just keep trying to steer your boat in the right direction, that's what I do.
I am not perfect. I will never be perfect and guess what, I have a temper but I try really hard to have the patience I know that I truly lack. It doesn't always work out the way I want but beating myself up makes things even worse.

Just steering my boat in the right direction.

It's all anybody can do.

Anonymous said...

I understand your anger. I fly off the handle for no apparent reason at the smallest thing. Sometimes, I wonder if this is as good as it gets.


Emily said...

Therapy is hard work. Having all of these feelings takes a lot out of you
I will be thinking of you - I wish above all that you get some rest at Thanksgiving ... we haven't been privvy to your post about that, yet, but I bet that isn't a given. Take care, Snick.

Anonymous said...

Rehab Center???? Rehab from WHAT? That is the stupidest comment I have ever seen.

Okay, that was a vent, but seriously ... where did that poster come from?

Glad you are moving forward; and it's true that it's all tiny steps. And sometimes it can be two forward and one back, but it's clear you will get where you want to go. All best wishes .

... leslie

Mommy, Esq. said...

How honest you are on this blog is very inspiring. Many people only post "happy" things on their blogs.

Anonymous said...

I was thinking about your situation one morning recently and this thought came into my mind. Maybe there is a possibility of having the children spend an extra week with their grandparents. That would solve your problem with the daycare being closed, would give the grandparents extra time to get re-acquainted with the kids and would give you a week without so much responsibility (I'm the grandparent of twins with two parents and I can't imagine how you do it). I don't know you, your kids or their grandparents but since the thought came into my mind, I thought I should share it.

Karyn said...

I just wanted to post how much Anonymous 20:38 and her/his "rehab centre" made me laugh. Hopefully you got a good laugh out of it, too, Snick, because that was the funniest thing I've read in days, and it sounds like you could use a few good belly laughs.

Good for you for getting to a new starting point with your therapy. It is a long road, but there is light at the end. Confronting your anger and fears can be exhausting, but it sounds like you have a really good handle on yourself and what makes you feel the way you do, and you are willing to try and find some answers.

Best wishes for more good days than bad.

Rachel said...

Well, it sounds like there was some progress in therapy even though you weren't able to bring up the medication issue. I wanted to affirm the exercise suggestion. I recently started up again after a lull and am amazed at how much better I feel. Could you find a gym with daycare? Take a little walk around the block at lunch, or with the twins? I think even a little bit can help.

Astrogirl426 said...

Gee, nothing like a little blowing-things-out-proportion there. Rehab?? Last time I checked, rehab was for people with an addiction. I'm not sure what Snick would be addicted to (except maybe her kiddos, and if that were something to throw people in rehab for, you'd have to lock us all up!). I personally don't recall her ever mentioning anything about being suicidal, and I'm pretty sure that the response from her loving readers would be such that I would have remembered.

That said, I'm sure there's stuff going on for you, Snick, that you're not talking about on the blog (of course); the steps you're taking of reaching out to your therapist and friends-and-family is a wonderful thing. If you ever do feel truly at the bottom (because I don't want to downplay that possibility, if it is happening), please make sure you talk to someone and get all the help you need.

Personally, it doesn't sound to me like you're there sweetie; we're here for you no matter what, tho, so please don't hesitate to reach out to us. :)

django's mommy said...

Hi Snick-
I'm glad you're on your way, although I also dislike it when I feel the need for some big 8-hour therapy session because I have Big Issues to Discuss Right Now, and then it's just 50 minutes and you only get through items 1 through 2b. Anyway.

So, exercise. Big struggle for me, too. Yes, I can run w/N and the dog, but for me, one of the therapeutic parts of running/exercise is that it is MY TIME. What I've done (and I don't know if this is an option for you) is to find the absolute closest gym to my work and/or N's daycare. Then, 2-3 days/week, I leave work an hour early and sneak in a run. It's been a lifesaver for me, truly. I don't know if that's an option with your work schedule, but that's how I've worked it into my crazy life.

Good luck! You're taking good steps, truly.

Nancy said...

I know you don't really "do" the blog award thing...and you don't have to do a thing with it, but I've left something for you on my blog ... because it just made sense. :)

Watercolor said...

Me thinks your therapist has some good ideas. :)

Get that notebook. You'll be surprised at the pattern that you might see begin to emerge.

Maybe a good teen babysitter for a couple of hours one night a week and on the weekend so you can run?

Watercolor said...

And the dogs peed on the floor and I didn't finish my thought about the notebook.... lol.

Patterns might emerge that make things make sense in an aha! kind of way, not in some dark sinister kind of way. It did for me. Suddenly, I learned that when I had to deal with a particularly awful person in my life, I was angry for days at completely unrelated things. It was an aha moment because I had never connected them. Now, I know to be careful about that person. Among other things...

I didn't have your situation, but it was a personal trauma that is taking a while to heal from. It has completely amazed me all of the different ways it touched me and continues to influence me.

So hugs hun. You are doing all the right things. It just isn't an easy or fun road to enlightenment and healing.

Anonymous said...

why are your comments so obnoxious to another poster?

they have mental help therapy rehabs. this blogger has expressed serious issues, is considering (has alredy approached a doctor about) medication for mood stabilizers and anger. If depression or suicide is a potential, it's not a black plague suggestion that the blogger get additional 24 hr medical help.

especially if once starting the meds the emotions become MORE intense which are side effects.

maybe you should post your own f'ing comment and not worry about what others say? it's not directed to you, right?
if this is the type of person the blogger surrounds themselves with, who is always going to defend or agree with them, then thats not who she needs now. sure, listening is great but if there are such serious problems going on, someone needs to be a REAL friend here.

so again before you reply to someone else's comments, think before you type and dial back the attitude.

Anonymous said...

You guys, let's let Snick's blog, not Anon #1 here, set the tone and scope of the comments. He/she is obviously projecting.

Anonymous said...

I suggest a year of therapy, a discussion about short-terms meds, then proposing to Mr. Coffee, both quiting your jobs and opening a Cafe. Not 24-hour Rehab. Just my "professional" opinion ;-)

django's mommy said...

Dear Anon 17:14-

I think part of the reason why that comment received such harsh pushback is because Snick hasn't mentioned suicide at all. If she goes on meds, she will be under the care of an actual live doctor who can determine whether she is at risk and whether she should be considered for inpatient care. Your tone was also quite punitive and accusatory.

Moreover, some of Snick's readers know her in real life (sadly, I am not one of them) and likely also have a better sense of how her depression/anger issues are affecting her on a day to day basis.

Finally, not to be all 'I know my shit', but I'm a PhD level clinical psychologist who has spent considerable time in the ER, determining whether someone needs to be admitted for inpatient treatment. Snick isn't even on the same planet as those individuals at this point.

Anonymous said...

As a widowed mother of twins who lost her husband 16 months ago, I applaud the progress you are making.
I can't even imagine having the energy or desire to date.
The twins sap what little life is left from me at the end of the day. I love them to death. But they just NEED so much. Sometimes it is too much, especially when it is completely non sensical. KWIM.

I don't even have the time for therapy, or the childcare if I did have the time.

We are on a tough road. I only hope it gets easier.

Anonymous said...

to - "django" - if you re-read my "offensive" comment with an open mind you'll see it's suggestive of caution, not accusatory. There's nothing wrong with caution, particularly where anti depressant or mood stabilizers are involved.

regarding your 'shit' comment, as you so eloquently put it, i'm a pharmacist and OFTEN advise of the potential side effects of drugs, especially those affecting the mental state or emotions. if you have that much 'shit' under you, you should be ashamed of yourself for not doing the same. it could literally save someone's life one day.

to the obnoxious statement who felt the need to point out that the blogger had not mentioned suicide coupled with the fact that many of the readers are in the bloggers daily life - what about the kid in Florida who just committed suicide online? he was on a variety of legal medications (and likely a potential for illegal) but his friends and family said he was not showing signs or indicators of suicide. people hide things, particularly when they're feeling pressured to not continuously fail or ask for help, therefore those closest are NOT the best jury. something to ponder there, isn't it before you start condemning someone's statements?
once again, i'd suggest minding your own comments.

if there's no need for outside readers as everyone knows the blogger IRL, why not make the blog private? why bother taking interviews to promote the blog? blogger's greed for money from those advertisers on the side, right?
difference is, when the comment police swoop in, you're only succeeding in driving readers and viewers away. think about that for your 'friend'. Believe me, after I'm done DEFENDING myself constantly, I won't be back.

s_ivan said...


s_ivan said...

that's "buh-bye to anon", not to snick.. in case there's any misunderstanding.

Anonymous said...


We all have opinions. Maybe too many of those can add to your stress. A head full of other folks ideas and thoughts. Sometimes helpful. Sometimes a burden.

Take a break from this blog. It's something that has been with you through so much, yes. I'm sure very, very helpful at times. Also a burden at times.

Use the notebook for your own therapy. The time spent with pen and paper will be a lighter feeling than that sitting in front of this electronic monster.

Your friends and faithful readers would understand you stepping away for your own good. You don't owe us anything. You owe yourself some inner peace. See how you feel after the holidays, and come back if you feel you are ready.

You may feel this blog has served its purpose and it's time to move on and start that book you've had inside of you. Maybe a more private blog out of the spotlight.

Whatever you do, from what I've learned reading your blog, you've lots of beautiful people in real life that are going to be there to support you all the way.

Wishing the best for you and your beautiful children.

Trenches of Mommyhood said...

Thinking of you.

And, for me, the introduction of an antidepressant simply helped me to not feel so OVERWHELMED. I've been taking one for 3 years now, and couldn't imagine not taking it.

Roads said...

Just to note that talking about medication is not the same thing as taking medication.

Sometimes you feel like (and I felt did feel) like pushing the counsellor to explore the outer reaches. It's good to know those options are available, and to wake them up to the fact that things aren't going well. At all.

But generally and on reflection, I'd recommend an emergency dose of two pints of Guinness instead of tamazipan.

It really does do you good, and if it stays around Guinness will stick on your waistline rather than in your head the following morning.

::::wifemothermaniac:::: said...

May i suggest Tai chi? If there's a Taoist Tai Chi group in your hood than the fees are on a sliding scale so it's inexpensive, and I'll tell you, I have ongoing struggles with anger management and Tai Chi really helps me to calm down, it's basically movement and meditation, good for body and oul.

amber said...

working through difficult issues can be tough. keep on hanging in there. hope you had a great thanksgiving :)