I felt better when I went to therapy yesterday. The act of so much crying—on the phone with my mom, throughout the day and evening on Wednesday—had cleansed me a bit. A decent night's sleep on Wednesday night (punctuated only by a minor bloody nose for poor Miss Maddie) helped, too.
It was nice to feel less jagged and less volatile as I headed to therapy yesterday, but I also feel like it led to a somewhat less productive session. Or perhaps it's just a matter of expectations not meeting with results. I expected that I would do a lot of crying, perhaps some yelling, and leave with a prescription. Instead, all was pretty calm. I cried, but a sniffling, patchy kind of crying rather than the sobbing I expected. There was no yelling, although I did use the words "angry" and "pissed" a lot, and I did show my therapist the bruised bit on my hand, the victim of the smack I gave the kitchen counter on Tuesday night when I was angry about . . . oh, who knows, really, perhaps it was the price of milk or the fact that my favorite mug wasn't clean. It's anyone's guess.
So we did talk about anger, so much so that we never talked about medication because by the time things headed that way, it was time to go. Next time. We discussed reasons why my anger seems to be intensifying right now (my idea: I've avoided dealing with it for so long that it just can't be held back any longer; her idea: my relationship with Mr. Coffee* is bringing up some issues for me around not having the kind of partner I wanted to have in John). She suggested that I keep some kind of Anger Journal, and jot down when and why I feel angry. I am reluctant to try that, which is a sure sign that it would be helpful, so I need to get over myself. If nothing else, it's a great excuse to buy a new Molskine notebook, with which I'm totally obsessed by always reluctant to spend money on.
We also discussed how much regular exercise would help me. I have not been doing much (um, any) T-Tapping or Wii Fitting, and I need to get back to that, or, better yet, find a way/time to run without the twins, even just once a week. We'll see. If there were a simple way for me to fit in running, I'd be doing it already. But for now, I'm at least scheduled to take a run, albeit with twins, this Sunday afternoon with a couple of girlfriends.
There was more, but for now, I must go, and one of the things we discussed (when and how my friends and family can help me more) deserves a post of its own anyway. For now, I feel like there's some light shining down into the bottom of my pit (that was a little melodramatic) and that I can bumble along until my next session after Thanksgiving.
Thanksgiving! I need to write about Thanksgiving. Soon.
*Said relationship is still going along quite nicely, although due to my volatile state, has gotten less attention around here of late. Good news: he has no work travel on his immediate schedule! Bad news: he's so stressed out by his job that he broke out in hives!