I've read with great interest all the comments about the speed of my relationship with Mr. Coffee, and all of them have made me think.
Ultimately, what I find myself most curious about is this idea that we can control our emotions, that we can prevent ourselves from falling for someone by actively deciding not to. Maybe some people can do that, but I know I can't. If I like someone, I like someone. Especially at the ripe old (ha!) age of 36, I don't have much interest in playing games or pussyfooting around. I've learned by now that you pay your money and you take your chances. By falling for someone, you risk getting hurt. And that's a risk that I find worth taking.
That said, I'm also curious about this idea that Mr. Coffee and I are on some kind of fast track. Yes, yes, it's true, we slept together right away. But the physical side of a relationship is only one component. While I don't think it's possible to entirely separate the physical from the emotional, I do think that they are two pieces of a larger whole. Clearly, Mr. Coffee and I are on the Physical Fast Track. Emotionally? Well, we see each other on average less than once a week, exchange a few e-mails a week, and talk on the phone a few times a week. We're getting to know each other, but it's taking some time. The more time I spend with him, the more I like him. But I certainly don't feel like I know him well enough to feel like I've totally fallen for him.
We're not exclusive by any means. Both of us still have profiles up, and I'm planning to meet a couple of other people casually while he's away.* A friend of mine who met her husband online told me that while she met the guy she married on one of her earlier dates, going out with a few other people made it clear to her that she'd found the right one. That makes sense to me. Of course, it could also happen that going on other dates makes it clear to me that I've found the wrong one! The point is to figure it out.
So I guess, for me, things don't feel like they are moving all that fast (with the caveat of the sex part, of course). Mr. Coffee and I haven't had The Talk about seeing or not seeing other people, and I think it will be a while before that happens. We're both busy. It's going to take a while before we have spent enough time together to know what we want. For now, I like spending time with him. I like the rush of seeing his name in my inbox. I like how he thinks about how he can make my life easier, by picking up dinner or coming to my house so I don't have to get a sitter. I like that he's ridiculously smart. He has a crazy sexy accent and a goofy laugh. He's been very sweet to me, and he hasn't given me any reason not to believe what he says. It's tricky to balance protecting yourself with the ultimate need to take a risk and trust someone.
I appreciate the comments about being careful and protecting myself. I err towards the optimistic and trusting. The only thing that makes me bristle is this idea that by dating and enjoying it, I'm doing something disrespectful to John or his family. There's nothing I would like more than to have John back. But that's not going to happen, no matter how long I wait around. Going on dates and sleeping with someone else do not mean that I now love or miss John any less. It just means that I need to find ways to live without him. The process of moving on has been mostly filled with pain, anger, and sadness. The time has come for me to set aside some of my fear and try on a bit of joy, just to see how it feels.
*Speaking of which, the lack of phone/Internet thing while he's traveling is not as sketchy as it sounds; he's often overseas and in developing countries, and on this trip he'll be mostly in Africa. It's easier than it used to be to get Internet access and place international cell calls in some/most parts of Africa, but it's still no picnic where he'll be.
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64 comments:
To me sex is a ginormous deal, so I can't separate it from moving on the emotional fast track. I guess it all comes from different types of experience.
Alas, I am not a widow, and I have not been through what you are going through. One of my best friends lost her husband to brain cancer a month after you lost John - they have a (now) 8 year old son. She is dating now too...and for a long time was fine, but now is being hit with another wave of grief. SO - I guess my one piece of assvice is to make sure that whomever you are dating knows that grief can sneak up, and that they are understanding.
That's all I got... :)
Like you, I'm not so sure we can control our emotions, or the speed with which we become attached. I think you are the only one who can judge whether it's fast, too fast or whatever.
As I said before I'm glad to see you happy, and very impressed with your willingness and ability to move back into the "dating" thing. Mr. Coffee may or may not be "The One" but if things feel good now, let it be.
I slept with my husband before we even had a first date.
does that make you feel better?
:-)
I'm glad to hear you so happy.
As always, thank you for sharing. I haven't been through exactly what you have. I have been through my own life challenges/crises/opportunities. I feel where you are.
Maybe the "concerned" comments you've received are because people have come to really love you and feel "cautious" for you. I don't know.
In my life I have been more suspicious and careful when initiating new relationships and I can honestly say your approach to life is so refreshing and so true to yourself. You can not go wrong. I swear. You are a beautiful person and an incredible mom. And really, I imagine you are honoring your husband like nothing else could by LIVING.
As an aside, I slept with my husband "the first night". I'd say "on the first date" except it wasn't even a date. We slept together for 2 weeks before I felt like giving him my phone number. 9 years and 3 children later, I can't imagine life any other way. We still crack up about it every year on our "real aniversary", the first night we spent together.
Bottome line, I spent too much time being scared and cautious. I am just so touched by your strength and your genuineness (it's a word, I checked :)
I will be rooting for you, no matter what happens with Mr. Coffee and I will compassionately await every detail. Best wishes!
Snick-You do not need to defend your feelings or actions to anyone.
If you are ready and comfortable and happy about your decision than that's all that matters!
I know it's hard when reading some comments....I'm still baffled by that..I never understood why commenters leave such comments. Anyways, I just want you to know (as if you didn't already) you have everyone on your side.
Go with the flow, go with what feels right, trust your gut, and roll your eyes to anyone who many say otherwise! Here....let me do it for you ....There - My eyes have officially rolled at those people!
Snick, this is a really beautifully written, self-aware post. Like kim, I have a hard time separating the physical and emotional "tracks," but I fully respect that not everyone is the same. You sound happy, in control, totally aware of what you can and can't expect from your relationship with Mr. Coffee as it stands. For that I give you my admiration and applause. Rock on!
And, while I understand people commenting out of true concern, caring for you, those nasty anonymous commenter(s) going on about "what would John think?" are the lowest of the low. Jeebus.
In this more than anything else you need to do what feels right, and judging by how happy you sound, this must feel right. More power to you.
I would guess that now knowing so personally how short a period of time you might have with someone you love must have some impact on your thinking. Do you think that had John died in a quick manner things would be different? I would think that a long-lasting illness such as he suffered would change the path of your grief, because you had time to think about what was to come while he was still alive.
In any event, enjoy those lovely beginning moments of a relationship. It'll give you something to savor when it gets boring. :)
I'll say it again: I'm just happy you get to experience some of the joy, for a change.
And as for taking things fast/slow, judging by your comments, everyone is different!
I'm a naturally trusting person, myself, and I would have a lot of trouble NOT falling for a genuinely nice guy. As long as you have your antennae out making sure everything stays above-board and comfortable, I see no reason not to enjoy it.
Oh, have fun and don't listen to the haters. :P I am so happy you have found some joy in this relationship, no matter where things end up.
I am a fairly new reader and have enjoyed "hearing" your joy come thru your postings about Mr. Coffee and your dates. Please don't worry about what "other's" think... what works for you is what works for you.
Live your life, you've been through the worst pain imaginable, so a little romance gone sour couldn't hurt you anymore than you've already been through.
I'm thrilled that you're feeling JOY!!
I almost never comment. I'm a chronic lurker on every blog that I read.
But I'm glad that you're having a good time, and I'm glad that you're happy. I don't know that physical or emotional boundaries that you may be crossing before someone else is ready for you to cross them mean anything at all.
We all deserve to be happy. If you're happy then hell, go to it. :)
I cannot imagine what you have gone through, losing your beloved husband and having to raise two babies on your own. I think you have suffered more than most and you deserve to find happiness wherever you can find it. You don't need to justify to anyone about your relationship with Mr. Coffee, although it's fun reading your updates. Life's too short to dwell on sadness, and you are still a young woman. I really hope that things will work out between you and him, but if not, then that is okay too because at the end of the day, you will still have your beautiful children to come home to.
Oh, Snick ... I'm in the "go for it" camp too, and so pleased that something happy is going on for you.
I guess some of the twitchy comments are a product of my generation, which was encouraged to view the physical component as the final piece of the jigsaw....That simply meant that, in my experience, an awful lot of women, myself included, had to tell themselves that they were in love with every guy they ever slept with...which meant that every short term relationship became an enormous deal. You are so much wiser and healthier, and though I hate that you've needed to justify yourself because of some unhelpful comments, this post was both refreshing and reassuring for the people who've come to care about you.
Have FUN :-)
I think you hit the proverbial shiny thing on its head, when you say it doesn't feel fast to you.
My relationship with my own wife went fast, some others commented. But when you know it is working, and are comfortable with whatever progress is being made or not, then why fight against it?
There will always be those around, usually with best intentions, who doubt a 'new' relationship, and who knows, they may be right, but it will only be you at the wheel.
Be comfortable, be happy.
Well, you sound reasonable about the whole thing. Enjoy!
I agree with how you feel completely. Trusting other people and hoping for the best is a good strategy not only in relationships, but in life. I tend to be too honest, i go so far as to believe some of the sad beggers on the street and give them money because I hope they are telling me the truth. I think too much with my heart, not my head.... but I am confident it will guide me in the right direction.
You go girl.
Snick, you're a wise, responsible woman and you're taking things just right. I know in my own life, I'd rather be open and possibly emotionally hurt than closed off and "safe". That's part of living life, and I'm sure John would want you to keep living life.
I didn't know John, and I don't lightly throw around that "I'm sure" what he would think, but I feel confident now because that's what I would want for my husband if something happened to me. I think that's what anyone would want...for the person they love to eventually take some risks and find some new happiness. Nothing will be able to erase what you had with John. It's a testament to your relationship that you would hope to one day have another relationship.
You're doing great...I'm cheering you on!
Wonderful, well-thought-out, reasonable post. Just realize that we're just looking out for ya. You've been through enough -- no one wants to see you get hurt. But if you don't take a chance, you never get any of life's good things. I'm cheering you on and think you are taking the relationship at a good pace. I know when my husband and I started dating, we only saw one another a few times a week, and that helped love grow rather than getting burned out in the beginning. You do what's best for you.
Don't worry too much what other people say, its usually based on who they are and their own experiences anyway. I think for me I can control my emotions to some extent by not allowing myself to get obsessive and caught up in fantasy about what might be or could be etc etc. Its good to stay with your feet on the ground rather than head in the clouds - but that is me. I was always attracted to the wrong type too, the emotionally unavailable type so err on the side of caution. Saying that though I am now happily married to someone who is emotionally available and it feels right - even 9 years later. I met him on the internet too.
I'm so sorry that you feel that you have to explain or justify your actions in any way. After everything you have been through and done, I would hope that everyone would only want happiness for you, in whatever form you can find it. (But I'm also naive that way!)
This are my two cents, for what it's worth: the way to honor John's memory is to be the best mother you can be to his children and in order to be that you need take care of your physical (and I don't mean only sex) and emotional needs.
I don't want you to get hurt but life is a series of risk taking adventures. Even if you decided to stay home and never see another man you would be risking a lot, so why not go with what your heart and instincts tell you?
We are rooting for you, S.
My husband and I both knew that we were meant to be together by the third date (even though we didn't know there is a 20 year age difference between us.) We were married within the year. There's a beautiful maturity that comes with dating someone who already has a lot of life experience. In a way, I think it makes things a lot easier. So sit back and enjoy it and see what happens!!
There is nothing disrespectful to John or his family with regards to your dating, in whatever manner you choose to do it.
And the idea that you can protect yourself from pain by going slowly is, for me, absurd. I haven't yet met the person who can not feel emotions (or feel emotions) on command. You feel what you feel.
When I read about a happy date, it really does brighten my day even more. Being happy is the best way you can honor John. He'd want you to be happy and he'd want his children to be raised by a happy mother.
What might seem fast to an outsider looking in may not feel so fast to you - only you know what you're comfortable with and when. I appreciate that the concern comes from people who have come to care about you by following along with your story - don't discount their affection for you - but remember that we are hearing your story in 5-minute snippets, summarized neatly, every couple of days. YOU are actually the one on the dates, living the life, and you have a perspective that no one else can because you're in the thick of it.
Enjoy what feels good. You deserve that. Don't overthink. Have fun!
A sexy accent? Why didn't you mention that before?? Go you -- play the field! :)
I haven't been reading comments, but I find it hard to understand anyone would judge you on your search for future happiness! Unfortunately, John is gone. It's a fact that cannot be changed. If anything you SHOULD be moving ahead with your life -- for your sake as well as the twins'. How could anyone find fault in that? It boggles my mind.
This old lady in Florida.
Some people are never happy with how widows behave. Well, excuse me, but I'll dare venture they've never been widowed.
If they had, they'd think differently.
Enjoy life, and live for today. Life is a gift, and it's supposed to be fun.
You've suffered enough. Really. So you go, girl!
Very true.
Snick - no one but you knows when its right and with who. And your "mom's instinct" will kick in when it comes to your kids and who and when they will meet whomever :) Shame on anyone that tries to tell YOU what YOU should be feeling and when. Have a good time....(my two cents of course)
SEC
I actually think that it is possible to either be open or not to a romantic relationship. Most married women are not, which is why they are married. A lot of single women are open to it, and so then they are emotionally available.
Hi there,
I'm a longtime reader but only occasional delurker -- What you write is beautiful and honest - don't let anyone make you second-guess your heart.
I've left your posts smiling and feeling good about the universe, frankly.
XO
Pam
Now that I think about it, everyone told me I was moving way to fast when I first started dating my husband. My Mom said he was taking advantage of me and all this other crap. It just felt right between us and we've been married almost 12 years. Only YOU know what's right for YOU. Mr. Coffee sounds like a really nice guy and respectful of you too. Not to mention the comfy bed and he can cook. Have fun, you deserve it!
Pam
Well said - you owe explanations to no one. You do what is right for you and I am proud to see that you are seeking happiness for yourself. Life is too short to wallow in grief although at times it is a comfortable place. I do not feel it is right for anyone who has not lived yur experiences to judge you. Dating at 36 is certainly different than dating at 18. You are a big girl and can make your own decisions about what feel right for you. Heck, I am 38 and now say I wish I HAD slept with more peopel when I was young and single! Thanks for letting us live vicariously through you :-) You rock Snick!
Honeslty, when I read about your first date with Mr. Coffee, I though "good for her". then when I read about the 1st time you slept with him, I honestly thought that was too soon. But then again, you are 36, you have children, you have been lonely and grieving on your own for a long time now. ONLY you know what your really want and need in life. So if this makes you happy, then so be it. Don't worry about what others think. You need to worry about yourself. You truely deserve to be happy. Your husband will never be forgotten. He will always live in your heart. It's time to take care of yourself and be all "girly" again. Just like another person posted, as long as he knows that you have these emotional roller coasters and as long as he can comfort you, he's a keeper.
so, that being said, just go for it.
I am also curious. What kind of work does he do that he travels so much especially to these 3rd world countries?
thanks for the updates. Keep them coming!
I read often and don't comment but I just wanted to say Good for you! Why shouldn't you move on, as much as you can, and be happy. Emotions are hard to control, and if you feel a connection with someone you should enjoy that. You are an amazing mother and I am happy for you!
You tell em! I think it sounds like you are having a great time. Ultimately, the only person who really knows how things are going is you. Trust your gut and you'll be fine! Glad to hear that you are keeping it light and fun! Good luck on your upcoming dates.
Exactly!
I mean, um, that is very similar to how I approach love and risk, and I humbly say, it works for me. It is a great grace that you have this natural courage after suffering the ultimate loss. I hope some cynical people -- who, most likely, have been terribly hurt -- will be inspired by your ability to LIVE LIFE!
I don't have anything new to add, but wanted to join the other commenters who wrote that the only person who knows whether things are moving "too slow" or "too fast" (or just right!) is YOU. To anyone who tries to tell you otherwise, just smile vaguely and move on.
P.S. I met my husband two months after my previous fiance broke off our engagement. My husband proposed to me after 3 months of dating, and we were married 5 months after that. We celebrated our fourth wedding anniversary this year. Was this "faster than average?" You bet. Did it work for us, in our time and place and emotional situation? You bet.
Of course you can control your emotions. You do it everyday, we all do. I find it so odd that people want to renounce responsibility for their decisions when emotions concerning sex or romance are involved. As if their emotions towards a person or situtation are just so much more deep or real than the emotions those of us who take responsiblity feel.
I've been married for nearly 20 years. It was shocking to me, and not in a good way, when ten years into it I realized that I was developing feelings and attachement towards someone who was not my husband. We never even kissed but, wow, the emotions just about blew me over.
I made the decision to choose my marriage. I cut this other man out of my life. It was very emotional for me and I had to do it on my own because I felt too ashamed to tell anyone else. It hurt. My heart was broken. It took a long time to heal.
But the choice was always mine. I chose to preserve my marriage, to keep my family intact. I could have chose to not do that and maybe that would have been the right decision for someone else but please do not tell me that they were helpless where as I was somehow stronger.
If something happened to my husband and I began dating again, I would put myself through that hurt again to keep from putting us into a situation that was too complicated or had a lot of potenital for stress and saddness.
Personally, just to put myself in your shoes for a moment, I would find what you have with Mr. Coffee nearly ideal. But the choice of whether or not to keep going would always be mine. No matter what my emotions or feelings were telling me.
Kathleen
This: Going on dates and sleeping with someone else do not mean that I now love or miss John any less. It just means that I need to find ways to live without him.
This made me cry.
I have an 18yo son. His father died the week he was born (of lung cancer). I miss him, oh god, I miss him so much, still.
I figured out how to live without him. How to love another.
But I miss him, love him, carry him still and for always, in my heart.
Wishing you all good things on your journey forward ....
I think your track is just fine. Who ever thought your track was fast must not have been reading your blog for very long. Why not get a little sex! At leasts it is with a man who is being kind to you and not just a random person. We all like those little butterflies in our stomach. We all yearn for that feeling again. God gave you life...why not live it!
You have such a good head on your shoulders. :)
This is 2008 not the victorian era!!! You do what you are comfortable doing.. As a 37 year old single female I have tried the fast track and the slow track and there is no guarentee either way!
Enjoy it while you have it..
ps what accent does Mr Coffee have and does he know you write a blog?
Commenter Kathleen:
I beg to differ with your opening statement of "of course you can control your emotions". I don't think anyone has control over how they feel, what they DO have control over is how they ACT on those feelings. So you're right in that we control our ACTIONS all the time. I can't stop myself from feeling frustrated when I'm in traffic, but I don't go ahead and ram the car in front of me.
You made a choice on how to act on your feelings for that other person, but you didn't choose how to feel about him.
Snick--good for you! enjoy every moment of this, you deserve some light in your life.
Posted earlier but just thought of something I wanted to add.
You and John lived with his terminal diagnosis for a long time. You started grieving long before his death. Sure, you still had him. But you were faced with a future without him for a long time before it became a reality.
I'm not saying that a widow who lost her husband more suddenly should take longer to move on - just saying that in your case, the grieving clock didn't start the day he died.
Life is for the living. You honor John every day you wake up and take care of his children. Other than that, happiness is yours for the taking.
Who is to gain from you holding back from the things that bring you joy? Not you. Certainly not your children. And not John. Your checklist is complete.
I don't get the whole "controlling your emotions" talk - why do they need to be controlled? There is no victim here. Live, love, laugh. Honor what you and John lived after his diagnosis: "make the most of it." You have a long life ahead of you, Snick. You go enjoy it.
I am trusting, open and hopeful by nature. I am glad that I am this way! I just think of all the wondrful people inmy life I would have missed out on if I was not...like my husband!
Jess
P.S. Sex a lot before we were "exclusive"...it was fun and easy and worked for both of our complicated lives.
Why is it necessarily a good thing to try and control your emotions, to try and avoid being hurt? Haven't we all learned from our failed relationships, from the things that have hurt us? Sometimes you have to just go for it, and take your chances.
Maybe if you are Jennifer Aniston and you date John Mayer, you are asking for it, and are stupid to do it. But Mr. Coffee sounds great so far, no big red flags. Maybe it won't work out, maybe he'll even end up being a jerk. But if that happens, you'll cry a little, learn from it, and take the lessons you learned into the next relationship. And in the meantime, you are having FUN.
Sounds good to me.
Jeannie
I can't even stand to read the other comments that say anything other than "do what feels best for you now."
Nobody has the right to make you feel like you are on some sort of wrong (fast) track or that you are being disrespectful to John.
Please don't let people who use their "lower" selves to critique your life make you share any less of your life with us. I learn so much about living life as it should be lived from you.
Thank you for that gift.
"By falling for someone, you risk getting hurt. And that's a risk that I find worth taking."
I'm with you Snick. If you don't take smart risks because you're afraid of getting hurt, you're also going to miss out on joy. Life your life to the fullest.
I personally have been reading and loving to hear how happy and free you are. No matter what you write, someone will always find fault with it...had you been overly-cautious and nervous about venturing into the dating arena, someone would have had something to say about that. Keep doing what you are doing! Only you know what is best for you!
Ah, my sister in bizarro. You know where I am with this. And, trust me, it's not even about the sex. I haven't even met my guy in person and I was told it was too fast... and I wasn't even mourning a death - I was celebrating an overdue divorce! There are people out there who don't want you in a happy place. It's them - not you.
I'll be here for you - whether you're down OR up - and will always remain your bizarro sister.
Snick, I have to say that I slept with my husband after we had known each other for three days. What can I say? 26 years later we are still together. While we obviously had to take the time to get to know each other, we didn't let the great sex get in the way!You do what feels right for you and don't worry about anyone else.
Amy, Yes, thank you, of course you are correct. It's a difficult subject to talk about on-line and I did not explain myself very well.
Kathleen
I think ignore all the comments about speed. When it's right it's right, and if it's not, oh well, you had fun. You only live once, and do you really want to have regrets about going the speed everyone else told you to rather than the speed you felt was right for you?
Good to see so many more supportive comments.
I'm with Lisa: Life is for the living. You honor John every day you wake up and take care of his children. Other than that, happiness is yours for the taking.
Never a truer word spoken.
Hi, Snick!
If I can digress for a second, I made the sake sea bass and it was a huge hit. Can I ask what kind of steamer-insert situation you have? I have this basket thing I got at the dollar store that I kind of wedged into a stock pot, and mine took forever to cook. Still, it was delicious and now the picky person I cook for is going to want it at every meal.
Second, I just wanted to chime in and say I think at least some of the people who aren't 100 percent "go for it" may be coming from a place of concern for you. We don't want to have to open a can of whoop-ass on anyone who might hurt your feelings.
xo
Thanks for the somments on my blog yesterday! I DO appreciate your input, but I will throw out there that "the world" has a lot different view of our two situations: I am single "by choice," and clearly could have/should have done something different in order to make my marriage work; I have already "destroyed" my kids lives by getting dovirced, and therefore shouldn't ruin them anymore by dating. You, on the other hand, are a single parent due to really crappy circumstances (and BTW, I am truly, truly sorry for your loss), and therefore you get the sypathy vote. One of my dear friends is a widow with four kids-and within a year, people were trying to get him to date because he deserves to be happy; I have been divorced for over five years and in every parenting class, therapy session, every medai blitz about how we single moms are terrible, I am "told" that I shouldn't date. And THAT is the difference. I loved this post, by the way, and will definitly be back! :)
Snick -
I think it is healthy and normal to be thinking about everything that you are thinking about. Your babes are obviously your first priority and I think it is natural to ask yourself those kinds of questions early on. While this may seem like it is going fast, you are obviously not jumping in with blinders on, which so many people do. Knowing where you stand, how you feel, and what you want out of a relationship is critical.
Just one question: does Mr. Coffee know about your blog?
Shawna
I'm with you and the other commenters (well, 99% of them anyway). A good rule of thumb, for those who feel the need to offer up comments that are anything less than polite, is "have you been asked for your opinion?". If the answer is no, then a courteous, "You sound very happy - I'm wishing all the best for you!" is all that manners will allow. I know most of us probably were taught that by our parents, but sometimes a refresher course is helpful :).
Oh, and I'm with Amy. You can control your actions, not your emotions. If we can control our emotions, then this would have been avoidable:
"I cut this other man out of my life. It was very emotional for me and I had to do it on my own because I felt too ashamed to tell anyone else. It hurt. My heart was broken. It took a long time to heal."
The emotions remain, regardless of what we do with them.
It sounds like you've thought the whole thing through very carefully, that you know yourself, and you're doing exactly what's right for you.
And I have to confess that though I am the exact opposite of optimistic and I don't trust anyone, those attitudes certainly haven't stopped me from getting hurt. Au, you know, contraire.
until you've walked in someone else's shoes, it's hard to pass judgement on their actions. i'm glad you're finding some joy and happiness these days.
i'd also like to note that the use of "pussyfooting around" made me chuckle. you don't hear it very often, but man, sometimes it's just a perfect expression. :)
I am WAY LATE to this discussion but I want to say ... it's hard for me to separate out sex and love, emotionally and physically. But I also believe that you should know what you are getting into and if you aren't compatible in bed, that that is a HUGE dealbreaker.
Ultimately honey, you have to do what is right for YOU, internetz be damned.
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