06 September 2008

The Sounds of Silence

So I've become this sappy, happy, swooning mushball who never updates her blog. This week has been so happily unremakable that I've struggled to find something to write about.

On the dating front, things continue to go well with Mr. Coffee. He e-mailed me every day from his business trip, and immediately when he got home. We talked on the phone last night (me! I'm not a phone talker!), and we made arrangements to go out for dinner tomorrow night.

I'm trying hard to remain rational, calm, and level-headed about all of this, but I confess that it's been really hard. For so long, I felt like the part of me the controls my need for emotional and physical intimacy completely shut down when John died, never to be reactivated again. The idea that I could crave that kind of connection was so alien as to be almost repugnant. So it's been a total shock to me to discover that not only can I get that fluttery feeling upon receipt of a flirty e-mail, but I really like it. It sounds melodramatic and pitiful, but I didn't know if I'd ever feel that way again.

But I do! And what a surprise it is to rediscover how fun it is. What I have felt this week is the closest thing to happy—the closest thing to the me I had all but forgotten—that I've felt in years. Years! I've been more patient with the kids. I've slept both better (deeper, more peacefully when I'm sleeping) and worse (fewer total hours, more middle-of-the-night insomnia). Oddly, three times this week I forgot to eat dinner and had to get up at 2:00 a.m. to have some cereal. The days have this kind of glow about them that makes even the hard stuff easier. I've been doing things around the house, nothing major, but a few little, long-put-off tasks.

I'm really good at overanalyzing things. Really good. A champion. I've thought a lot this week about the source of my improved outlook. Is it just that I've given myself permission to move forward in my life without guilt? Is it the exhilaration of going on a date, any date? Or is the exhilaration of going on a date with Mr. Coffee specifically?

It's probably a combination of those things, and ultimately, it doesn't really matter. What matters is that I feel good, that I feel happy. I could get used to this.

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I've e-mailed with a few other potentially interesting prospects on the Internet dating front, including two guys today who could spell! And write complete, grammatically correct sentences! I know, I am so demanding. So we'll see. I continue to work on keeping an open mind about the whole thing.

There have been so many bad profiles that I've stopped keeping track of them all. The best of the worst of the past few days was a guy whose ideal date was to be sitting in the same room with his girlfriend, each playing his and her respective online role-playing game. Nothing against online role-playing games, they just aren't my thing. And while I don't feel a need to fill every silence or spend every moment on a date involved in deep conversation, I do like at least a little interaction. Oh, and he finished his profile off with this line: If you want to breed, move on to the next profile. OK, I guess kids are out! Duly noted.

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Speaking of kids, Maddie and Riley have been hilarious lately. They say so many funny things that I can't keep track of them all. I can't keep track of any of them, really, because they go by way too fast. I spend a lot of my day laughing at—I mean with—them. I feel less often at loose ends with them on weekends and more like we can just relax and have fun together. It's nice.

Of course, it helps that they are (knocking on all available wood) sleeping better and seem to have reached a new developmental level where they share more and freak out about less. They have their moments—they are two after all—but they are far more even-tempered than they were even a month ago. I hear, though, that these months are just sweet calm before the storm of 2.5 starts, so I'm enjoying the good times while they last.

OK, must go eat some dinner tonight. No more 2:00 a.m. bowls of cereal.

31 comments:

Atlanta_Tracy said...

Delurking here.....I really loved this happily boring post......good for you.

Jamie said...

I am happy for you. I really enjoying reading your blog.

Jamie said...

Goodness, I can't seem to type this evening. I meant to say:

I really enjoy reading your blog. I have been on a two week road trip with a 4 year old and a 2 year old. My brain is fried.

Kerrie said...

Just so thrilled for you, for all of it, the flirty emails, the even temperedness, the children sleeping well...it's so good to hear.

Isn't that butterflies in the tummy feeling when his name appears in your inbox the sweetest..??

Do you eat something with Maddie & Riley when they have dinner..?? I was a sole parent for 12 years and when my daughter was small and used to have to eat around 5.30ish I would have a small meal with her then and some supper later on around 8.30pm or so. I kept a lot of antipasto bits & pieces and cheese in the fridge for that time. Perhaps this might work for you..??

I'm happy for you, really happy.

Enjoy..!!

Lisa said...

I'm so glad you're feeling happy again!

Regarding spelling -- during my online dating days, that was the most important criterion I used when weeding through profiles and deciding whether or not I'd answer emails. Then, I started emailing an old friend on a regular basis. Old friend, as it happens, can spell and use proper grammar. It's just that he feels it's a waste of time when emailing friends or instant messaging. Because he was Just A Friend, and not someone I was inspecting with an eye to dating, I didn't care. Well, one thing led to another, and here we are, madly in love, engaged and living together.

So, you just never know. I still think spelling and grammar matters, but if I'd judged my fiance solely on those grounds ...

Anonymous said...

I'm so happy for you! Nice to hear things are going well.

Tamar

L. said...

I too loved this post and would be very happy to read more like it.

We humans are meant to be around others, I think (and not just our kids). The insomnia I struggled with all through childhood, even through high school, finally went away when I started sleeping in the same bed as my college boyfriend. We need that proximity and the feeling of being known and understood, and just the promise of intimacy and closeness helps immeasurably. I am so glad your future is opening up before you again.

Snickollet said...

Kerrie--

I do exactly the same thing! I eat a bit with M&R around 5:30, then have a snack-ish meal around 8:30. I've just been forgetting the 8:30 part. :)

-snick

Emily said...

Yahoo! and the offer to meet me in order to approve of me as a babysitter still stands :) though I know you do have a lot of support ... have a great dinner!

Amy said...

So glad to hear you sounding so optimistic and alive!

Katrina said...

I am happy for you! It's good you are letting yourself feel those feelings again, and that it is impacting your life in a good way. I hope things continue to go well!

Melissa in TN said...

This sounds good! I think maybe you are getting a teeny, tiny crush on Mr. Coffee! (I like his nickname, by the way!!!)

Anonymous said...

Happy for you!

A little word of advice - from the mother of adult (gulp) daughters. Take just a second to write down those funny things the children say - you think you will remember them all, but you won't. And if you're like me, you will be a little wistful when you don't.

Again, so happy that you are so happy ... Leslie B

Megan said...

I love that you have given yourself permission to be happy - guilt free! It makes *me* so happy.

Have you told him you have a blog yet? Just curious.

Rebecca said...

There is nothing wrong with 2am cereal... if it means you're happy! :)

Sylvie said...

I'm glad to hear that you feel happy. It's good to give permission to yourself to move on. You have such a good outlook and attitude, I really admire you.

Betty M said...

Your post made me smile - glad you are smiling too!

django's mommy said...

Big smile here, Snick. Lurve the overanalysing- fully plan to reread your posts if/when I get to Swoonfest 200..9? 10?

I also feel (probably too) strongly about capitalization and correct grammar in profiles. I think my biggest pet peeve is 'I am looking for a women who....' (Crap. Does the period go before or after the quotation mark? Who am I kidding? I probably wouldn't even want to date myself. Back to my online role-playing games...).

Claudia said...

I also ruled out any potential dates that couldn't spell or use proper grammar. I probably eliminated some decent guys from the running, but I definitely felt like it was an advantage to online dating.

Glad to hear things are going well.

Theresa said...

I'm so glad to read how happy you've become since deciding to move forward with life. Good luck with the dating! Enjoy life! :)

uberimma said...

Please please update the blog tonight! We all want to know how the date goes...

Wolf said...

i love the happy post. it made me smile.

Giovanna Diaries said...

Snick- I'm sooo happy for you. Though a little hurt that "our date" didn't evoke the same feelings as McCoffee!
I guess it was all my misspellings, grammatically incorrect emails. :)
Can't wait for more of the scoop. Would book club just come already! And I'm soooo saving a see for you right next to me b/c we haven't gel-ed at these meetings in months! Oh and if you need assistance in being flirty FYI: I won fabulously flirty in my high school superlatives:) I use to be an expert.

Keen said...

I'm so, so happy that you get to be a sappy, happy, swooning mushball.

Good luck with the date!!!!! Can't wait to hear about it.

Crash Course Widow said...

I remember that happy, flirty, zingy feeling when I started dating a friend of mine 18 months ago, at 19 months after Charley's death. I felt so alive, and happy, and NORMAL for a change. It was incredible and so very welcome.

I felt great for several months while we dated--and yes, more like the old, prewidowed me. I went out on a few eHarmony dates after we broke up and then started diving down into my deep dark grief hole (unrelated to dating, btw) after that. And it feels like ages since I felt that happy, flighty girliness. Between you and some people from my support group who've recently started dating nice people (some met online), it's getting my brain motivated to give dating a whirl again. Because I do mix that fix....

Hope it continues to go well with Mr. Coffee and the other men! =)

Crash Course Widow said...

Oops...I meant: MISS that fix...not mix that fix. Sheesh....

Tiffi33 said...

oh yay!
I love his nickname..Mr Coffee heh..very cute!

I think that it is a GOOD thing to have that fluttery feeling..it does give you a spring in your step no matter who you are or how long it has been ;) enjoy the new found energy!!

Karyn said...

What a happy, lighthearted post. I am so, so happy for you! Can't wait to hear about your date tonight!

moo said...

you deserve to be happy. And that "new in a relationship" feeling is SO AWESOME!

ps ... I think "mr. coffee" might be the best code name evah.

Nancy said...

I love how upbeat you sound. YEAH!!!! :)

OTRgirl said...

I love hearing giddy details! As others have mentioned, it's fun to hear you sounding lighthearted and happy. I hope the date is good.