27 September 2008

Date #5b: The Best Date Yet

I was apprehensive going into this date. The date-planning e-mails we'd exchanged had left me a little cold (Mr. Coffee had all these stringent timing requirements because of getting ready for his two-week trip, plus insanity at work, etc.), and we had had very little contact all week (again with the insanity work, etc.). Then the whole rescheduling thing . . . the reasons behind that were somewhat absurd ("It's raining! The traffic is so bad!" etc.). All that combined meant that I was feeling, well, neglected and underappreciated.

God, I'm such a GIRL.


I gave him the benefit of the doubt and (a) rearranged my schedule to accommodate the switch from Friday to Saturday, and (b) worked it out so that I could make dinner for us even though the twins and I were pretty much out of the house all day. I'm pleased to report (as you likely already gleaned from the title of the post) that it was all worth it.

Mr. Coffee showed up with a bottle of wine and the fixings for some awesome appetizers. He also brought ice cream, the key to my heart. It was pretty damn great to walk out of the twins' room and have a glass of wine and some smoked salmon and goat cheese on toasty bread bits waiting for me. I could get used to that.

We chatted while I made dinner. He was very appreciative that I had gone to the trouble of cooking, and, in fact, he'd called around 5:00 to see what I was craving and what he could pick up for us to eat. That was thoughtful, but score one for me on having it together to cook since he complimented both the meal and the fact that I'd made it numerous times. He did insist on being in charge of our next meal, sweetly reminding me that I have plenty on my plate and that he would be happy to give me one less thing think about. I'm not going to argue with that, although there is something immensely satisfying about cooking a meal for someone you like and who enjoys food.

There was more conversation and more wine after dinner. We talked a lot about my time in the Peace Corps, about the politics of development work in the third world, and about our families and what we've learned as parents. He loves his kids so much. It's very, very sweet.

What I loved best about this date? We laughed a ton. We've laughed before, but we really, really LAUGHED at some stuff tonight. There was lots of fun. Everything just felt relaxed and easy and comfortable. It was just a normal evening—dinner, good conversation, good company. "You're full of surprises," he said. "You barely know me," I replied. "There's a lot more to come."

I reverted to total girl-dom when he left, and could not help but plaintively whine, "You travel too much!" as I kissed him goodbye. "I know. I hate it," he said. "But it's fun to look forward to my return. And I'll be thinking of you while I'm gone."

I'll have to take his word for it on that as his Internet access will be quite spotty while he's away and he said that I was unlikely to hear from him. Woe is me! Get out your tiny violins and start playing a long, sad symphony!


Giovanna Diaries said...

Yeah, he needs to stop travelling! Or at the very least, travel less.
Glad you had a nice date.
Are you still smiling? Yeah, you are!

Ali said...

So happy that you had such a great night and that you are happy! To feel so alive must be wonderful!

What does he do and where in the world does he go that he doesn't have internet coverage???

Keen said...

Aw, sounds like so much fun! What a great date.

I'm a big believer in absence making the heart grow fonder and absolutely loved to travel while P and I were dating. But I must say it would definitely be harder without e-mail and cell phones. So maybe I will break out the tiny violin for you after all.

Enjoy the anticipation of the next couple of weeks!

Little Read Hen said...

How is that he travels so much without a blackberry-ish internet over cellphone type device. That sucks.

I'm absolutly trying the sake (probably halibut in these parts) steamed rescipe if I ever see my boyfriend again.

I have to say, maybe I'm just old or tired or burned on life too much, but I think there is something good about guys in their 40s. They are maybe a little bit passed the bullshit. Espicially with kids and a divorce. NO ONE has time to play PeterPan with all that reality.

Yay for Snickollet! Happy for you.

OTRgirl said...

Catching up after a few days out of the loop...

I'm like you, I always think about possibilities and potentials. Just like you, I'd be considering the travel issue already, too. It sounds so frustrating that as things are rolling along and going so well, they're constantly interrupted by his travel schedule. I love your concern for how it would impact the twins. I've never had to deal with a regularly traveling spouse or parent so I don't have advice. Just sympathy for the situation.

The sea bass recipe sounds amazing! Great 'impress the guest' option. Thanks for posting the recipe.

Kerrie said...

Shared food, wine, romance and laughter...how special is that..??

Separations are so hard but the missing and longing can be so sweet. We live in a world of instantly being able to contact someone if we want/need to, we are so used to it and (mostly) it is a good thing. I used to quite like the yearning and anticipation of meeting my partner again after a short absence...he travelled too and was out of range a lot of the time. I loved that he was thinking of me and the first thing he did when back to civilisation was contact me.

I'm beyond thrilled that this is turning into something quite special for you BOTH...you are very fortunate to have found each other.

Snickollet said...


On most of his trips, he's got Internet access. This particular trip just happens to have him based where he won't. Bummer!


django's mommy said...

Snick, I think I keep leaving essentially the same comment, but I am just so freakin' excited for you.

Love that it felt so comfortable and that you really laughed with him. Speaks volumes, I think.

I am a few dates behind you (only just had #3 last night). This early dating stuff is NOT for the faint of heart! I still just very much appreciate your blog as a vague road map of what MIGHT happen for me, too.

Cape Cod Kitty said...

Long time lurker here...I admire you so much for the journey you have had, the way you have handled everything, and now allowing your heart to feel these lovely feelings again. As I read your comments this morning, I was so thrilled for you and BRAVO for the wonderful meal. I do think that relaxing in to this, accepting the distances right now is going to make for a stronger relationship. I think it leads to better and more open conversations and learning about the other. You are also having much needed time for you, M & R.
I only dared to love again a little over a year ago and it is lovely. We are not together during the week either and I have found a happiness and contentment in it. Of course, I am a lot older, but still I don't worry about what will happen down the road with "us". Every minute we are together is purely beautiful and I savor it all. It took a lot of years and a lot of trying to change relationships to what I thought I wanted to get to this point.
The very best to you and thank you so much for sharing this beautiful experience with us, your readers.

Mama Mama Quite Contrary said...

He sounds like a good one! Thanks for all the date details! Now if I could just figure out how to get someone to call me and ask me what I'm craving....

Anonymous said...

Hi Snick,

When I first met my husband....I was the Mr. Coffee in the relationship. I was always traveling. But it was good because I think the relationship would have been to overwhelming for me if we had been in the same town. So initially we would date on the weekends or when I was in town and then talk and write during the week. We really got to know each other incrementally and well and built a nice foundation.

Do your former in laws read your blog?? Do you think one of them could be the negative anon? Or are they supportive of you moving on? Just curious. I can understand if this is too personal.

Thanks for sharing!

Watercolor said...

You'll both just have to learn how to make the most of the time when he's in town. :)

Don't get to whiny on him about it though. He's got to get frustrated about it on his own and start to try to fix it for himself if he can. Y'all are too new for him to feel pressured. And maybe this is just what it is and y'all are going to have to find your rhythm.

But give it at least 6 months. Reality doesn't really start to set in until 3 months and fully until 6, plus or minus of course. Then you'll know how this is really going to play.

Shazam! said...

Snick, I will always pull out the tiny violin for you, just as you do for me. :o) See you tomorrow at work!

Nancy said...

I just can't stop smiling for you :)

Single Parent Dad said...


That's what it's all about.

Sparky said...

I love reading your blog! You may have addressed this before, but how can you be sure he doesn't know you have this blog? I guess he would have to be a really good investigator to find out, right?

Cheryl Lage said...

Wine. Laughter. Anticipation. Mutual appreciation. Sounds like a perfect, perfect evening.

They do say something about absence and hearts growing fonder...hope the time away passes quickly.

So happy for you, Snick. (and for M & R too...a gleeful mommy is a good thing.)

Anonymous said...

I hate to be a party pooper, but take it easy, ok? He sounds great but don't fall for him until you know more about him, have met his friends, and maybe even his daughters.
I know too many people who have gotten taken advantage of via internet dating. Just be careful, ok?

Ali said...

Glad to hear the date went so well. Sorry that he is going to be traveling so long and you may not hear from him...cause we won't get any juicy stuff either! LOL

Mama Nabi said...

...so, you wanna forward that recipe to my guy? :-)

Yep. We are the bizarro parallel.

Kim said...

I second to go slow. I think that the work is going to be an issue with you and why not, not everyone is willing to take second place to someone's job. Also, the 'too busy to talk' and dates cancelled for no serious reason and work away for two weeks with no contact. I think that unless you are someone with a high self esteem it would be difficult to not feel neglected etc. I say bide your time and don't give your full to him until you feel sure, which will take time to really know who this guy is. He sounds like one of those guys who is impressive - job, well travelled, well cultured etc but don't be too sidetracked by the external stuff, look for the important things. I once felt this very strong attraction to this guy and was so impressed by him - looks, job, well travelled etc etc but in the end I came to see he was a commitment phobe and not quite who I had imagined him to be. Not saying your guy is like this but just be careful. Maybe I am just cynical. Good luck.

Caroline said...

Another longtime lurker here....I am with the girls who say to go slow. I am leary of the no internet access, no phone and cancelled dates. Just looking out for you..heard too many stories like this. Does Mr. Coffee know that if he hurts you in any way he has a ton of people who would be out to get him. I am enjoying the stories though and Love the fact you got your ears pierced!!!!

Anonymous said...

I also have to say...take it easy. Sometimes things that sound too good to be true, are. For sake of sounding like a mother, I will also say...possibly he has gotten what he wanted! Protect your heart and remember the strength that you have to have come through such an ordeal as the death of a spouse. It is great to still act and think "like a girl" but be a strong girl! Sex is great but once that enters the picture, things change. Can't even say "enters the relationship things change" because there wasn't a relationship before sex happened. Before people start going off on this comment, please remember that if you are going to make your life so public, you have to be prepared for criticism.

Anonymous said...

I think that you trust him and you have good instincts. Don't let other people make you start doubting him when he hasn't given you reason to doubt him. You have a healthy additude, which seems to be: Yes, he postponed a date with no good reason -- maybe he needed a little space? so what? -- but then you relaxed and had a great time!

Some places really don't have Internet access. I know a lot of people are just trying to help, but, e.g., the poster who says he seems like "one of those guys" is coming to a big conclusion when she of course has never met him.

Anonymous said...

Sometimes when work is busy and my Internet connection not great, I technically COULD e-mail; but it really just feels like it takes too much effort to send those personal e-mails for several days, let alone explain why it is such a pain. Same with the end of a long work week -- I COULD get into rainy traffic on Friday, but why would I want to. Be understanding, people. This guy has a lot on his plate, too. Hence, he is able to be understanding and appreciative of our Snick.

Sounds like a great date!

Anonymous said...

Dear anon #2:
I'm sad that, to me, you seem have such a cynical view of men (whether you are female or male) and sex. I seriously doubt that Mr. Coffee is anything like you are imagining him to be. I'm not "jumping all over" your comment. I'm just genuinely wondering -- Is this view of relationships working for you? Are you happily involved with someone?

Anonymous said...

Make sure you meet some people in his life. That's important to ensure that you can trust what he's saying to you.

I enjoy your stories and live vicariously through you :). So, pelase don't stop sharing!!

Anonymous said...

Just want to say that I'm the anon. who got so beat up a couple of weeks ago, by suggesting to go slowly---I am not one of the new anons. I have not commented again. Good to read a few people who would also be cautious. Actually, I'm going to go on and say that I've never read comments as mean as some pointed at me. People who care for Snickolett CAN have differing opinions as to what could possibly be good or bad for her. While some are in there expressing their opinions, they are bashing my right to have mine.

Jane said...

But Anon (the last one), you didn't just say that Snick should go slow. You chastised her for dating at all, told her she was acting in a slutty manner, and suggested that she was dishonoring John's memory. And you did it in a very mean and judgemental manner.

Unlike some of the anonymouses here who are suggesting that Snick go slow, but in a caring and respectful way.

If you hadn't been nasty, people wouldn't have been nasty back. You reap what you sow.

amber said...

i'm glad the date went so well. traveling can be tough, especially when you're just getting to know someone.

Anonymous said...

This is for "Jane"---I never told Snickolett that she shouldn't date at all, or said that she was "slutty"-----I admit I could have been more soft in my comments, but I just think it is risky to have sex with someone you have not known for long----there are some real bums out there---some real mean bums out there---------not saying for a minute that Mr. Coffee is one, but saying it's good to know someone better---------also, there is a lot of disease out there----deadly disease. I could have worded the idea of honoring John better--but I think taking care of herself and the mother of his kids physically, is honoring him. He would want her to be happy, but he would want her to be safe and healthy. From past posts, it is a wonderful love story of Snickolett and John, and she words it so beautifully, but I still err on the cautious side. I don't apologize for that, but should use my words more carefully.

Jane said...

Hi again, anon. This is Jane -- which is my real name. Just to refresh your memory, you wrote (assuming I have the right anon):

"My advice is to drop the slutfactory alley you seem to be rolling up and raise the kids."

How is this not suggesting that Snick's behavior is slutty?

"You are aware that John was under the impression you'd be waiting more than a year or two to start dating, if at all?"

That's the part where you imply that she's doing the wrong thing by dating.

"We're really ashamed of you. You are obviously not the person John or his family thought you were."

And there's the part where you attempt to make Snick feel downright awful.

There was nothing in your comment about simply taking it slow / being cautious / not having sex too soon because there are risks involved and jerks out there who take advantage. There was no sense that you were trying to protect Snick from getting hurt. There was only condemnation and anger.

Maybe that wasn't your intent, but it's definitely what came across to most readers (myself included).

This is complicated stuff, to be sure, and I'm sure that as someone who apparently knows Snick and knew John you have a lot of conflicted emotions around the idea of Snick moving on. It sounds like you're still grieving, too. Sorry for your loss.

Anonymous said...

Jane---you have the wrong anonymous----I've never even seen these comments on Snickoletts blog. They are indeed cruel, crude and every other word I can think of. Sorry you thought those were me. Have they maybe been deleted.