27 August 2008

It's not just man-boobs and Jeeps

I'm actually going to meet someone for coffee on Sunday. If he is to be believed (and, cautious person that I am, I'm reserving judgment), he's
  • gainfully employed
  • well educated
  • divorced
  • the father of twin girls
  • well traveled
  • older than me, but not creepy older
If his e-mails are any indication, he's also witty and charming. But again, I'm reserving judgment.

As luck would have it, I got my hair cut today, so I'm feeling layered and flirty and way less frumpy than I was pre-cut.

Now I just have to figure out what to wear. We're meeting for coffee (at a very crowded, very public place) late on Sunday afternoon. And I have to figure out what to do about my wedding rings. Wearing them certainly seems to give off the wrong vibe, no? But *not* wearing them makes me sad. I wear John's ring on a chain around my neck; perhaps I will put my own rings on the chain, too.

I'm nervous!

55 comments:

Crash Course Widow said...

Good for you! =)

And for a small bit of (unsolicited) advice from someone who's been through the Internet dating pong after being widowed. =) Re: the rings...did you tell the guy you were widowed? If you did, I say wear 'em if you want to; don't feel you *have* to take them off just because it's a date. You'll find out pretty quickly how comfortable any guy is with your widowed status or with handling grief--things like rings are inadvertently a good benchmark to how well someone can handle what you really deal with on a day-to-day basis. You didn't ask for it, but my opinion: be sure to tell them ahead of time that you're widowed. I never did for the first few, and it didn't go all that great as a result. Then again, I just wanted a date, a notch on the bedpost, so to speak (no, not sex, just for something that counted as a date). After the first few I made a point to tell them I was widowed--if they responded well, I continued contact; if my disclosure made little or no impact to them, I passed on the match...but that was just me.

I'll be keeping my fingers crossed for you. I know I found for myself (as did some other widows in my support group) that the ones that looked great on paper often ended up being complete duds and else complete disappointments in person; their emails or comments in their profile sounded fantastic, but then the men just never lived up to the potential.

Best of luck to you, Snick!! =)

Gwen said...

Good luck! No matter what happens, it's good practice, right? And probably good fodder for the blog. Can't wait to hear how it goes. :)

BeeJoo said...

Wearing your rings around your neck is a perfect place for them - close to your heart as they will always be.

Hopefully you'll encounter exactly what you have read via this website and emails.

I had done the online dating thing myself a few years back - strike one was a guy who thought he was all that and a bag of chips. Strike two was a guy who just simply was to 'goody goody' for me (not that I'm a bad girl - hahaha) - and then HOME RUN!!!! Been with my sweet heart ever since June of 2005 and loving every single minute of it.

I wish you the best of luck on Sunday afternoon.

Cheryl Lage said...

If this is true,

"But *not* wearing them makes me sad,"

...then I say wear them. Why potentially start any friendship/possible relationship when you're making "adjustments" that aren't what are your natural reflex?

He knows your story, yes? He should understand. :)

Just my thinking... :)

Hope it proves to be great fun!

Deb said...

Snick,
Not that you asked, but... Wear them if you intend on getting at all in depth about your life or if you already have, in your bio for instance. If it's not something you want to "get in to" for a casual coffee gathering, then just leave them at home for now. If your like me you probably have indentions anyway.
Good luck to you and try to have fun

Crash Course Widow said...

Oh--and I'll pass on the most useful thing I ever heard/listened to at support group after I hit the 1-year mark:

Dating is really, really stressful.

Yes, it can be a lot of fun, but it's a lot to handle. It'll make you think of things you've managed to avoid thinking about for quite some time, that you thought didn't hurt so much anymore. I was so relieved (and comforted) when one widow friend admitted she had to go back on her antianxiety meds when she started dating again, because it was all just so much. I know I didn't sleep for a week, no matter what I did, and had to get a prescription for Ambien when I started dating; I just couldn't shut my brain off from all the thoughts and emotions (even though many of them were good ones) flooding me.

Dating in and of itself can bring up a lot of grief, a lot of memories, feelings of betrayal, guilt, etc. If you actually meet someone you really care for, even start to love, it can become an even bigger can of worms than mere casual dating was.

Maybe dating after/in widowhood isn't all that radically different from dating after a divorce--I don't know; I couldn't say--but don't be surprised to find if you don't find dating as fun as you hoped or thought it would be. Dating is another one of those big hurdles in widowhood.

Just thought I'd pass that experience on to you, in case you start feeling it yourself in the next few weeks.

Hang in there, and I hope it goes swimmingly!! =)

~Candice

CalBear1993 said...

Good luck, Ms. Snick. I like the thought of your rings next to John's myself, but CCW's advice sounds sage too.

Astrogirl426 said...

Ok, no advice, since you are getting a nice bunch from your other posters. So I will just wish that this guy is at least as witty and charming as he seems, that he's easy on the eyes (I'm shallow, I know), and that you have a nice time.

A little chemistry might be nice too, but we're taking this slowly. Good luck, sweetie!

alice said...

Hi...I'm just sending good positive vibes...for you to have a fun time. Thanks for sharing.

Alice

NanarocksWeen said...

you've taken the first step - and you're doing this in the right way, very casual. Go with low expectations and you you may be happily surprised. But I can see where "crash course widow" is coming from when she talks about all those feelings this may bring to the fore.
I wish you all the best, Snick. Would love to see your new haircut.
Any photos here or on FaceBook?

KLS said...

I came here from Bridges earlier in the week and have added you to my Google reader.

I just want to say that you're brave to do this, and I wish you the best of luck. No advice on the rings, but following your heart usually works...

I'm looking forward to the update on Monday!

Watercolor said...

Have fun! Breathe. Smile.

Rachel said...

Hope it goes well! We are all rooting for you.

What A Card said...

No advice...just wanted to say "good luck" and "have fun" :)

You'll be great...I just hope he's worthy of your greatness, even if it's just for an afternoon of coffee.

Nancy said...

YOU GO GIRL!!!!

Anonymous said...

I think it sounds like fun - just enjoy your coffee break with him - don't think past Sunday. At the very least you two can share interesting twin stories! MIME

Cari said...

You could also try wearing just one ring (like your wedding ring) on your right hand.


Good luck! I met my boyfriend online and we've been very happy for 3 years.

Keen said...

No advice from me, either.

But, all of the qualities on the list are good. Coffee is good. And I'm excited, and nervous, right along with you.

Good luck!

Silver said...

Good luck hope you have a nice time!

django's mommy said...

Snick!! So excited for you!

And big YAY for no moobs. Ick.

Tigger said...

It looks like you have the rings covered, but not a word that I saw about what to wear! OH NO! :) So...not that you asked, but: Jeans. Or whatever it is, aside from sweats, that you are comfortable in. You want to look good but you can't do that if your clothes are making you miserable. Try to be yourself - and if they don't like, they know where to stick it!

I did the online dating thing for a while...oy vey. :) Interesting stories to tell, oh yes...and I can't wait to hear how this one turns out!

surfergirl said...

No advice either, other than enjoy yourself - and if you're not go to the bathroom, climb out the window and run...
Ok, that sounded like advice...sorry!

Kris said...

Delurking to say good luck and I hope it goes well!! And I like the idea of your rings with John's on the necklace. Have fun! :)

Donn24g said...

Snick-- keep a positive attitute. This positivity goes along way and world has a way or responding to it. Dont be nervous. As for the rings, do what feels most comfortable to you that morning. There is no right or wrong on this one.

Good luck!

Anonymous said...

Yah for you...have fun with this. And I like the comment about the rings on your necklace to keep close to your heart!! And to think he has twins, how funny. Here's wishing you a fun time over coffee....great idea as well on the coffee to meet for the first time.

Mama Mama Quite Contrary said...

Good luck! I hope it goes well. (It sounds like you got some good advice from Crash Course Widow.)

I wouldn't discount older (or seriously older) men! I met my husband on a blind date and we were engaged within 6 months. The woman who set us up lied to us about the other's age but by the time we got to know each other, it didn't matter. He is 20 years older than I am!

Klynn said...

I honestly don't know when my mom stopped wearing her wedding band after my dad passed away. It's almost been ten years now, but she doesn't wear them anymore. She just has some cute little sterling silver filigree rings she wears. She isn't dating, though. She's in her early 60's and is very overweight, and lives in a small town. I think she'd rather be alone than try dating the redneck trash in her local area.

But you...you are young and pretty and vibrant...and still mourning. And probably always will be to some extent. Any guy that's worth your time will understand that and accept you as the whole package. Wear your rings, wear them on the chain, or don't wear them at all...whatever you feel ok with. John will always be a part of you, and any new guy that's worth your time will love you even more for that.

But...this is only coffee. So have fun and be yourself (and everything that includes). <3

Lyndsay said...

Good for you! I hope you enjoy yourself... or else that it's so ridiculous that it provides some great blog material for the rest of us!!
As for the rings - maybe you could wear them on your right hand?

bg's Little Sis said...

Good luck Snick, I agree have fun with it, be comfy and be yourself...I'm excited for you. If nothing else hopefully you'll make a friend and he's got twins so you'll have lots to chat about on that front:)

kate said...

i'd wear them on my right hand or around my neck. good luck!

moo said...

I'd wear your rings since that's what you do already. Don't be someone you're not.

I'm so excited for you!

re: what to wear: jeans and a black t-shirt. Classic and flattering. Cute black shoes. NO SNEAKERS.

can't wait to hear about it!

hydrogeek said...

I hope you have a nice time!

Giovanna said...

AHHHHHHHHHH! I'm nervous for you too!

Christine said...

Good for you, Snick. I met my hubby over the Internet; there are a lot of weirdos out there but some good guys too. Here's hoping he falls in the latter category. My advice would be to keep the "date" (and your expectations) casual and just enjoy yourself. Good luck!

Jenn said...

I agree with Moo... Jeans and a flattering (I went with black too... but what ever color) t-shirt. Wear whatever you feel the most comfortable in, because you will be more relaxed. (It worked with my online dates... up to and including the one with my now hubby of 3 years.) :)
Be yourself and have fun. Make sure you give a close friend an "schedule" for your date and call them if it changes at all, because safety first and all that.
Good Luck!

A said...

I say just go in with relatively low expectations. Its only coffee and will probably only last an hour or two. Nothing wrong with meeting a possible new friend. Good Luck and I'll cross my fingers that this guy isn't a total nut!

Anonymous said...

oh wow! good for you!

nothing wrong with wearing the ring on your chain.

good luck, you really do deserve it. Let us know how it goes!!

Becky said...

Wow, that was fast! Good luck!

Anonymous New York said...

Have fun! You deserve it!

And you can never go wrong with cute jeans and a black top! I agree with pp... no sneakers!

Megan said...

I'm so excited for you! Can't wait to read the update (if you are willing to share with all of us) of how the date went on the blog. :)

Anne said...

Don't be nervous! Take a deep breath, enjoy some adult conversation, wear your rings wherever it makes you happiest, and have a good time. We'll be thinking of you!

Caustic Cupcake said...

This is so exciting!!!

Anonymous said...

What would I wear for a coffee-date??? A pair of well-fitting long jeans (if you haven't tried the "seven" brand yet, try them at Marshalls or TJ Maxx,they're $98/pair but well worth the money). Add a nice shirt that is not too revealing. Plus a great pair of heels!! It's a must to show that you cared enough to get dressed up a bit.

As for your rings, dont' worry about it, if the guy is right for you, he'll be ok with anything you decide to do.

I just started reading your blog and am inspired by your courage and honesty about your feelings. Good luck to you and I hope you meet someone nice and deserving of you soon!!

Little Read Hen said...

Yay for Snickollet!

That's really exicting news!

This is a great story about a similar meeting: http://glutenfreegirl.blogspot.com/2006/06/meet-chef.html
Not, super-similar, I suppose, but well, internet based at least.

I'd put the rings on the chain.

Congratulations. Have a blast.

Kirsten said...

Awesome and brave! Good luck :)

Rings on the necklace sounds great, but I'm sure you will know when the time comes according to your instincts

Tiffany said...

Good Luck!

Clover said...

Wow- very exciting. I hope it goes well and doesn't stress you out too much.

Lori said...

Good luck! Sounds like a great occassion to buy a new outfit (or accessory or whatever) to make you feel as sassy as your new do.

Laura said...

Good luck! I hope that, if nothing else, you just have a good time. You deserve to have some fun!

Anonymous said...

congrats. i'm jealous (of him) (in a non-creepy way). i'd love to have great, coffee-induced grownup conversation with you on a Sunday afternoon. you rock.

Michelle said...

ooooo! Good luck, I hope he's nice!

mumof4 said...

Can you wear them on your right ring finger? This is the wedding band finger in a lot of European countries....

silene said...

Have fun and enjoy the coffee! I hope he's even better than he seems on paper.

JK said...

Oh! Good Luck! I would think it's fine to wear your rings on the necklace or even on your fingers.

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