I've been wanting to post but I've been lacking things to say.
I'm in one of those phases where all I do is what I have to do to get by. I've been doing the bare minimum of chores around the house, the bare minimum that's required of me at work, and phone calls have been unreturned. I have a stack of thank you notes from the twins birthday party, which was a month ago, sitting on my desk, written but unsent. I just can't find it in me to put the addresses on the envelopes.
My parenting has been bare minimum, too. Maddie and Riley get fed and bathed, but I'm not oozing creativity or enthusiasm during our playtime. I've been stricter and more likely to resort to dogmatic discipline rather than Playful Parenting. We have been spending more time at home on the weekends as I just can't muster the energy to pack us off to the park.
Oh, sure, I'm tired. I'm always tired. Work has been suddenly very busy, and the twins have not been sleeping well. But this apathy has come over me enough times since John died for me to know that it's also part of my grief cycle. I'm going to get up one of these days and be over it. I'll start posting pictures on the twins' website again and I'll finally get around to closing out the last of John's retirement accounts that I have to deal with. I'll get rid of the piles of crap in my basement. I'll do something in the evening besides sit on my couch and watch TV. I'll stop counting every minute until the kids go to bed.
But much as I'd like to, I can't force that day to come any sooner than it does. It will come. It always has before. I'm impatient, but resigned. This weary, uninspired person is not someone I like very well, but someone I've gotten to know better over the past year and four months. I wish I knew what purpose these sluggish periods served, what healing they are bringing to my grieving mind and body. I try to be gentle with myself in these times, but it's hard not to start berating myself for being fat and lazy. Being hard on myself certainly isn't helping anything.
I finally have a friend at work. My coworkers are a perfectly friendly lot, for the most part, but despite being at this job for nearly six months now, it's taken until the last few weeks for me to connect with someone beyond water cooler chit-chat. It's nice to have someone to walk to Starbucks with and someone who cares how the weekend was. I hadn't realized how much I missed that kind of camaraderie in the workplace.
Time for me to peel my apathetic self off the couch to get some ice cream. Chocolate peanut butter. Not to gloat, but I'm loving this peanut butter thing. Oh, yeah.