20 June 2007

Grief, redux

I'm so tired this week. I'm also very tearful. The tiredness and weepiness are certainly related. I know I'm more likely to cry when I'm tired, but it's also true that I'm not sleeping well because I'm crying because I miss John so much.

Between losing the cat, dealing with Father's Day, and planning the babies' party, this week has been filled with stark reminders of John's absence. The impact of the loss of Dinner is pretty obvious. The last thing I needed was more loss in my life. Father's Day was something I'd been dreading and my coping mechanism turned out to be avoidance. My mom and stepdad arrived that day, and I focused on the joy of their arrival because I could not deal with the reality of John not being around. I didn't get my stepdad (or my bio dad) a card, didn't plan any special Father's Day meal, didn't even really acknowledge that it was a special day at all. I seriously didn't have it in me. I actually managed to forget that it was Father's Day at all, only remembering on Monday and then feeling somewhat bad that I didn't light a candle for John or write him a letter or anything. I think about and feel his absence all the time, but somehow I just couldn't talk about it on Sunday.

Planning the babies' party has been very emotional. I never thought that John wouldn't be here for their first birthday. I knew his days were numbered, but the twins' first birthday was my mental letting go date. He had to make it to that point. Of course, if he were still alive, I would have reset that date once the twins' birthday passed; then it would have been that he had to make it to our anniversary. But in any case, June 22 was my next date on the horizon, and I truly believed (at least until the last few weeks of his life) that John would be with us.

John was a wonderful father, as involved as a person with a terminal illness can be. He was at every middle-of-the-night feeding with me. He walked with fussy people and changed diapers. No one could make Madeleine smile or Riley laugh like John. At the same time, the months he experienced with the twins were hard ones. Really hard ones. In the past month, the twins have gotten so much more independent and their personalities have blossomed. The joys of parenting are starting to outweigh the burdens of those early months. I know that there will always be hard times, but there is a routine and steadiness to our days that is a comfort and pleasure. John never got to experience that. He got cheated out of so much. I'm grateful that he knew the twins at all, but so sad about all that he will not see.

I just miss him. I feel listless. Work is a drag. I'm tired and unmotivated.

I'm grieving. I know it's all normal, but that doesn't make it pleasant, and it doesn't make me miss John any less.

35 comments:

serenity said...

I was thinking of you and the twins this weekend...

I wish there was something I could say to help... to DO something to make the pain go away.

Know that I'm sending you peace and good vibes almost daily, even though we've never met.

*hug*

laughing mommy said...

I'm so sorry that you are having to walk this hard path. I hope something nice happens today to make you smile and lift your spirits. :)

yatima said...

Oh God. It's so awful. It's so unfair. It just sucks.

Alice said...

I'm sorry. I think you are doing good things by crying and expressing yourself...letting the grief flow. I really hope your wonderful memories of John will start outshadowing the painful ones. More power to you...Good thoughts and energies...sent your way...Alice

Becca said...

I can't imagine what you are going through. John sounds like a wonderful man.

I second the hoping that something nice happens today to make you smile.

Menita said...

I'm sorry, S.

Diana said...

hugs to you in this difficult time

Linda said...

I'm so sorry. Life is so unfair sometimes.

Rachel said...

I've been thinking about you. I know celebrating their birthdays without John must be so hard. I remember really missing Abuji when we celebrated Bella's birthday. It's so cruel that John didn't get to see them grow up. Hugs to you and the twins.

Kimberly said...

Many hugs.

My son's first birthday party is also Saturday. I'll be thinking of you. I hope the family is not overwhelming!

halfmama said...

I'm crying for you Snickollet. You were BOTH cheated, and the twins were cheated and it's unfair. I think about my mom, who passed away shortly after our twins were born, and get so sad about her not seeing our twins grow up. But not having your husband there is a totally different story -- one that I cannot even imagine. I try to put myself in your shoes, and it's so painful to even think about that I get weepy for you in an instant. The loss of Dinner on top of everything else has got to be the straw to break the back.

I've said it before but I'll keep telling you: I am in constant admiration of your strength and honesty.

Hang in there.

Robin J. said...

While what you are feeling is "normal" for someone who is experiencing life the way you are, it doesn't make it any easier. Hugs to you ...

Olivia said...

i've been wondering how this week was going to be on you... rough, rough times. i'm so very, very sorry.

silene said...

What a terrible week for you. Thinking of you and hoping you find some peace soon.

Lisa said...

I am glad you have the blog as an outlet and am invisble support group within the internet.

Hugs to you and the babies.

Anonymous said...

just stumbled on your blog, and wanted to say how sorry I am for your loss. Grief sucks, and there's no way around it but through. I wish you peace and comfort as you go through your terrible grief.

Shelley

Anonymous said...

My heart is hurting for you. Keeping you in my prayers.
Jill

jo(e) said...

(o)

Rev Dr Mom said...

Lots of hugs and good thoughts coming your way...

Jason Dufair said...

We had rapid fire trigger days after Anna died. Emma's 2nd birthday within a few days, then our anniversary, then Alyssa's birthday, Thanksgiving, our annual Disney trip, then Christmas. It was so damn hard. No way to even take a breath. In hindsight, it may have been good. I did a LOT of grieving then and when new year's hit, I was ready for anything. Other dates hit hard, but not quite so badly. Now at almost a year, they loom as a dull ache rather than a room full of knives and spears.

Best wishes to you during this time, Snick.

Anonymous said...

Hugs and prayers being sent your way

Leggy said...

Its just so unfair. I wish he could have lived for his first Father's Day, for the twins' first birthday. But then as you say, there would have been some other milestone that hit later that would be just as hard to deal with.
It just sucks....

Julia said...

This is hard, and I am so sorry. Grieving makes everything harder, including making oneself believe that there is a point to the whole going to work thing.
This week is especially hard. It's unfair how much all four of you were cheated out of, and it stinks.
I wish for you some unanticipated moments of peace and beauty, and some good wine.

BrooklynGirl said...

Wishing I could think of something to do or say.

Yankee T said...

Aw, Snick, I'm sorry. So so sorry.

Amy said...

Your post is a touching tribute to John on what would have been his first official Fathers Day. You recognized what a great dad he was (in such a difficult situation) and how you miss him, (Dammit! :(

Perhaps in Fathers Days to come you can honor him with the kids. A day to talk about Dad.

So sorry to hear of your missing him and finding things so difficult. Of course completely understandable but a bitch all the same. I am so sorry.

buddha_girl said...

Snick, I have no words to make this time seem any easier.

Know you are loved. You have my info, call me if you need me.

*hard hugs*

Kathryn said...

Wish there were something we could do to make things better here and now...but I can only add my own prayers, love and encouragement to the vast tide of loving support that is there for you already.
You are coping fantastically with an impossibly painful situation.

wrnglrjan said...

It's a heavy burden you're carrying. I continue to be impressed by how well you're giving yourself time to process and feel.

All I can say is that I hope there's some part of you that can feel the collective supportive energy the people who care about you are offering. Count me as one of those.

Angela said...

All of you were cheated,it's so unfair and wrong. I am so very sorry. I hope you find the strength to get through the next few days. You and the twins are in my thoughts, please take care of yourself. I am so glad you have some close family with you to help out,I hope you will take some time for yourself and allow yourself to grieve and feel all the emotions you are experiencing.

Anonymous said...

Emily Dickinson has a line from "These are the hours of lead" about a quartz contentment like a stone. I can remember wishing the raw hurt could become this.

When you can, try to find a good book or movie to live in for a while. Nothing heavy or sad. Stupid mindless guilty pleasures are the best. Always have a stack of dumb funny books and dumb funny movies to watch.

Auston Powers, Clueless, Legally Blond, Something about Mary, 50 First Dates, Wedding Singer, Monty Python, Flash Dance, Big Trouble in Little China, Dodgeball, Best of Show, The Secretary, Zoolander, Bill & Teds Excellent Adventure..things you would normaly be embarrassed to admit to watching ...any old Sienfeld episode.

Jolene said...

I'm so, so sorry you are having to hurt like this. I can't even imagine what you go through or think every single day not since John's passing but since the day he was diagnosed. I hate cancer for taking him away so soon. You wrote him a letter here by reminding all of us what an amazing father he was. Happy Belated Father's Day John. Keep watching over your wife and your beautiful babies.

liz said...

Many hugs. You are in my thoughts every day.

B.E.C.K. said...

I feel like any words I might add would be totally useless, but I think of you often and just...send you hugs.

Sunny said...

Sending you hugs and hugs and hugs!