26 April 2007

Memory

I keep thinking of the night John died. Hours before his death, I was laying on the bed next to him, talking to him, hoping he knew I was there, hoping that my presence was a comfort.

At one point, I looked over and a tear was rolling down his cheek. His body was so toxic by that point that the tear was bright yellow, almost orange. It stained my fingertip when I wiped it away.

48 comments:

Anonymous said...

Sigh. Hugs to you.

serenity said...

*hug*

Yankee T said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Yankee T said...

"...hoping he knew I was there, hoping that my presence was a comfort."

He did, and it was.

((snick))

Leggy said...

I'm sure he knew you were there. I'd like to think of him looking down on you from Heaven (or whatever you believe in) with a healthy, strong body watching you and the twins going through your daily lives.

Christine said...

Such a sad image. But you were there to witness it and hold him in his last moments. As heartwrenching as that is, it's also beautiful. Love and hugs to you.

Rachel said...

I'm sure he was aware of you there, and that he is still with you somehow, watching over you and the babes. His absence must hurt so much. Hugs.

Anna said...

No words, just sending you a virtual hug.

Janice said...

Bless you!

Diana said...

hugs to you.. i wish I knew you in real life so I could wipe your tears away for you.

mom to three great kids said...

Lots of hugs your way..((hugs))

Suz said...

I'm so sorry. I agree with Leggy. He knew you were there and knows that you're thinking of him now.

susan said...

((o))

Anonymous said...

He knew, I am sure of it. I have few words that can express how I feel about how you must be feeling. Love to you and the twins.
Cindy

Anonymous said...

I'm sure he knew you were there and you were a comfort to him.

Thinking of you and your babies.

jv said...

He knew. He knew. I am so sorry and sending you hugs.

Olivia said...

i can't begin to imagine your pain right now. still thinking of you and your wee ones. *hug*

Pantheist Mom said...

I believe he was weeping with frustration because he wanted to tell you how much he loved you and he couldn't. But your being there and wiping away his tears - you let him know that you heard him anyway.

I wish I could help you adjust to this entirely new existance with a hole in your soul. No words...

Margot said...

I'm so, so, SO sorry for your loss. I hope the kind words from strangers can help wipe your tears in a virtual way as well.

Julia said...

(I'm worried about that deleted comment up there. There is no possible way some stranger from something crappy to say to you... is there?)

I am glad you were there for him.

BethGo said...

Oh Snickollet.
*sigh*
I keep reading your posts to my husband and we are both just in awe of the love you and John share.
You give those babies a big hug from us and give yourself one too.

Jane Dark said...

((((snickollet))))

Yankee T said...

Julia,
That deleted comment is from me and it had typos in it so I corrected it.

liz said...

Hugs.

NanarocksWeen said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
laughing mommy said...

Good thoughts, wishes and prayers to you.

NanarocksWeen said...

I just started reading your blog--brought here courtesy of Doctor Mama's recent blog posting.
I'm home recovering from a total knee replacement.
You are an amazing woman, with a voice that ripples through my night and lingers in the deepest darkness of these can't-sleep hours. Thank you for sharing. You are an inspiration.

Iselyahna said...

He knew. It was. Maybe it was the only message he could give you at the time, the only way that all of his love for you could well up out of him, the only way he could let you know that he was there, that he loves you, and that he will always miss you, until you meet again.

Melany aka Supermom said...

(((HUGS)))

Anonymous said...

Until you meet again, indeed, because you will. A love like yours never dies. Sending you comforting thoughts and thank you for sharing your story.

The other me said...

My dad died last march from cancer, he oozed yellow fluid from his pores...the doctors kept saying that he was no longer aware but he kept coming back to let us know he knew. It was the saddest and also the greatest honour to spend those last days with him. I know how sad it was to lose my dad, I kept looking at mum and was unable to come close to imagining how it was / is for her. My heart feels so for you, I hope you can feel peace, or something close to comfort.

wakeupandsmellthecoffee said...

How incredibly touching. He must have wanted to say so much to you but couldn't. But you can continue your dialogue with him. Please know that in your lonely hours of darkness there are many of us out here thinking of you and praying for you and the twins. You are never alone.

sarah b said...

Thinking of you and the twins.

He knew you were there.
Sarah B

Rev Dr Mom said...

Oh, Snick, more hugs....

bg's Little Sis said...

I'm sure he knew, I believe that...hard hugs for you sister.

lots of love,
lil'sis

lct said...

He knew. And was with you in that moment.

The McMommy said...

Wow. I have no words. Just sympathy. For everything that you and your babies and especially John lost.

Beret said...

I hope I am as lucky as your husband was to have someone I love so much laying with me and wiping my tears in my final moments. Love to you and your babies.

OTRgirl said...

That's a powerful image. Wow. So poignant.

On a totally mundane level, I had no idea that a person could be toxic enough to emit orange tears!

Angela said...

Of course he knew you were there. Sending you hugs and good thoughts.

Anonymous said...

I believe he died in peace because you were holding him. He left this world surrounded by your love. You are so privledged to have shared this moment with him as he crossed over. Don't think for a second that he isn't with you and your twins every minute of the day. May you feel his love as you make your way through the next steps on your journey. Thank you for including us on it as well.

Kimberly said...

I agree with the others that he knew. Now I need a Kleenex. big hugs...

Amelie said...

I read you post yesterday and keep thinking about it since then. Such an intense situation, so sad and so full of love. I'm sure he knew you were there. Thinking of you.

Sugar Pixie said...

Oh my god, I'm crying right now. I'm sure he knew you were there.

Irene said...

first time visitor here.
sending you hugs and prayers.

cluelesscarolinagirl said...

hug

Dennis said...

I started reading your blog when i say it on cnn,i lost my wife 8 years ago to a brain anurism,i have raised two daughters on my own,they are both wonderful girls,keep your chin up ,and rmember the important things,your kids,your husband,and cherish every moment.

Melissa R. said...

Hello - I started reading your blog thanks to the story that ran on CNN. I've been moved beyond words by you and your husband. You are an incredible person who I only wish the best for. Your children are your most precious gift - let them lead you through the dark times.....
Kindest Regards
Melissa
Mom to 3 great kids