[at Maddie and Riley's birthday party]
Friend, to M&R: Do you have a dad?
M&R, looking at each other: No.
Me, unsure of what to do: You can tell your friend what happened to your daddy.
Maddie: He died.
Riley: Why did he die?
Maddie: He died. But then my mama was born and then she got to be our mama so it's OK.
The matter-of-factness of the four-year-old set is pretty compelling. The question was asked with no malicious intent, just pure curiosity. The child who asked it goes to school with Maddie and Riley and has been at a number of school-related and other social events, and has clearly noticed that there has never been a dad in attendance. Sunday was the first time this child had ever been to our house; perhaps the absence of a dad was more prounounced to him on Maddie and Riley's home turf. Perhaps he's been wondering for a while and had just never asked. But the way he did ask, with a total lack of guile, was refreshing for me, and not at all upsetting or strange for Maddie and Riley.
Neither Maddie or Riley hesitated when answering the question in the negative. This I found a little unsettling. Of course, their memories of John are shadowy, if even real. But they often point to John in pictures and refer to him as Daddy when they do. I was thus surprised that they didn't answer yes, then clarify that he was dead. I suppose, though, that it's pretty sophisticated to answer in that way, and it's true that their day-to-day lives lack the presence of a father. It's more just that the answer stung, bringing up John's absence in such a real and matter-of-fact way.
Maddie's explanation of how I came to be their mom and fill the dad void was interesting. I didn't quite follow her narrative, but it definitley involved me being born after the twins and then becoming part of their lives. Time is still very fluid for them, but I'm intrigued by how her mind is making sense of our family situation, how she's explaining John's absence.
**********************
[last night, 10 p.m., as I pull sleeping Riley out of bed to take him to the bathroom before I go to bed myself]
Riley, not really awake: Mama? Mama, I love you.
One of the things I love most about Riley is how transparent he is. At this age, he is not terribly emotionally complex. What he feels, he says or otherwise expresses. And that is all. Even when he's sleeping.
**********************
[in the car, on the way home from the beach last weekend]
Maddie, descending into meltdown hell upon waking up from a car nap: Mama! I don't want to talk to you anymore! I don't like you anymore! I want to send you to a farm forever!
[kicking, hitting the seat, screaming more of the above for almost 45 min.]
[15 or so minutes after the end of the fit, when Maddie was calmed down]
Me: Maddie, is something upsetting you? Why did you want to send me to a farm?
Maddie: Mama, I just love you too much. I love you TOO MUCH Mama.
Me: I know that feeling, Maddie. It can be hard to love someone so much.
Maddie: I just love you too much, Mama. It's hard.
Me: I'm glad you love me so much, sweet girl.
Maddie's emotional intelligence has blown me away since she was born. She and I have revisited this particular meltdown a few times, and she insists that she was just overwhelmed by the feeling of loving me so much that she couldn't handle it. I believe her.
Wow, the teenage years are going to be interesting at our house.
29 June 2010
22 June 2010
Four
Happy fourth birthday to Maddie and Riley!
There were chocolate croissants and juice and presents and singing and candles and cupcakes and nonstop queries of "Are we four now?"
Yes, you are four. The mind boggles.
There were chocolate croissants and juice and presents and singing and candles and cupcakes and nonstop queries of "Are we four now?"
Yes, you are four. The mind boggles.
21 June 2010
Nighttime, On Bike, Portland
Book club meeting tonight, first one with this group. Moby Dick. Yep, I'm that geeky.
Smart people. Good discussion. Felt a little out of my element at first among the PhDs and ABDs and other smarties. Found my groove.
Biked there. Summer isn't here yet, but the night was warm, a little humid. Portland humid. Nothing like MA. Or Gabon. Slightly buzzed on the ride home. Can't describe the feeling of the air, the glow of the streetlights, the sound of the MAX train's bell.
Smart people. Good discussion. Felt a little out of my element at first among the PhDs and ABDs and other smarties. Found my groove.
Biked there. Summer isn't here yet, but the night was warm, a little humid. Portland humid. Nothing like MA. Or Gabon. Slightly buzzed on the ride home. Can't describe the feeling of the air, the glow of the streetlights, the sound of the MAX train's bell.
17 June 2010
Bike Photo
Maddie, Riley, and I attended Fiets of Parenthood, a family bike fair that is part of Pedalpalooza, this weekend at Clever Cycles. Being newbies to family cycling, we declined to participate in the family bike obstacle course, but we very much enjoyed the popsicles from Sol Pops, the bike decorating festivities, and the camraderie of being around a bunch of folks who have been getting around by bike a lot longer than we have.
Photographer Joel Smith was there documenting the event, and he got this shot of the twins and me enjoying our popsicles and showing off our bike. You'll still need to imagine exactly how it looks with us positioned to ride rather than enjoy a picnic, but this gives you an idea of our setup:
(Click to embiggen.)
I've got more photos of us on bike (or at least of the kids sitting on the bike) in my camera, but I'm awful about downloading photos, not to mention that both my camera cable and my card reader are MIA. Someday.
Photographer Joel Smith was there documenting the event, and he got this shot of the twins and me enjoying our popsicles and showing off our bike. You'll still need to imagine exactly how it looks with us positioned to ride rather than enjoy a picnic, but this gives you an idea of our setup:
(Click to embiggen.)
I've got more photos of us on bike (or at least of the kids sitting on the bike) in my camera, but I'm awful about downloading photos, not to mention that both my camera cable and my card reader are MIA. Someday.
15 June 2010
Cross Training
We've ridden our bike every day since we got it. Sometimes more than once. We have ridden for fun and for utility.
I'm not kidding when I say that having this bike has changed our lives, or at least my life, and I don't think this is merely an obsession with The New. A bunch of things that used to feel like chores now feel like pure joy. I had no idea how annoying I found driving short (to medium, to eventually long-ish) distances in the car until I didn't have to do it. Now? I fabricate reasons to take a quick jaunt to the store for groceries instead of being pissy about having to go out again.
I sound crazy, I know. I mean, how great could it be? Damn fucking awesome, actually. And there's more to it all, I just haven't figured it all out yet.
Coincidentally, although I've been biking a lot this past week, I have barely been running at all. My only real opportunity to run is during my lunch break at work since I can't well leave the kids alone in the house after they go to bed and they are too big for a jog stroller, plus we don't have one anyway. So if I have lunch meetings or if I have to come in late or leave early for some reason and thus skip taking a break at lunch, there goes my workout. I found the lack of running both distressing and not; the weather here—save for a glorious weekend reprieve—has been the usual Oregon gray, chilly June on steroids, and while I normally don't find chilly temps and drizzle daunting (and none of that deterred me from biking), I wasn't all that keen to get out and log some miles. In fact, when I was finally going to head out for real yesterday, I took an easy out and joined a coworker for a lunchtime pedicure instead. You must all be blown away by my dedication to my workout program. By the same token, I have felt the effects of a lack of structured exercise on my sanity.
I don't say all this to beat myself up or to absolve some guilt I feel about not working out. I say it because the lack of running combined with the introduction of biking has made for an interesting contrast for me. I do enjoy running, and it is an excellent stress reliever for me. But it also brings out a lot of negative personality traits that I have: competitiveness, inflexibility, propensity for self-flagellation, a need to constantly get better, go faster, train harder, be the best. I feel a constant level of low-grade annoyance that I'm not running at my pre-twin pace even though I think my overall endurance level is actually higher now than it was back then. And even if it weren't, why exactly do I care? Because I always expect more from myself. It's never enough. And hence the danger with running: you could always, always, always go faster or longer or both.
I've tried to combat this by leaving the stopwatch at home and just running. I like to log distance since I'm gearing up to train for a half-marathon and I will need to be mindful of being prepared for that race so as not to injure myself. But I've tried to worry less about the time and focus more on just getting out there and running at a speed that seems comfortable. But try as I might, I can't let go of always wondering how fast I've gone, if I've improved on my pace, if I could have pushed myself more on the final stretch.
Contrast this with biking. Our bike is huge and heavy. It has eight gears. It is not designed for speed or for exercise. It is designed for comfort and utility. I hence do not care at all, not one little bit, how long it takes us to get where we're going, how many people pass us between points A and B, or how high my heart rate gets during the trip. I chat with Maddie and Riley. I look around at the scenery (when I'm not navigating traffic). I enjoy the sun, or endure the rain. I feel ever-so-slightly superior to all the cars driving by. I wear regular clothes, sometimes a dress, often clogs. Incidentally, I'm getting a workout, I guess.
And therein, I suppose, lies the difference. Running is exercise that happens to have some mental health benefits. Biking is a lifestyle and leisure choice that happens to be good for my health. I want to find a way to pull some of the relaxed-attitude Zen I have about biking into my running workouts, not to mention other aspects of my life, actually. Perhaps this is exactly what seems like such a fundamental shift to me. Somehow, this bike has brought me the ability to check my need for perfection at the door. I guess the message is pretty simple: bike more. Fret less. Why does it always sound so easy?
I'm not kidding when I say that having this bike has changed our lives, or at least my life, and I don't think this is merely an obsession with The New. A bunch of things that used to feel like chores now feel like pure joy. I had no idea how annoying I found driving short (to medium, to eventually long-ish) distances in the car until I didn't have to do it. Now? I fabricate reasons to take a quick jaunt to the store for groceries instead of being pissy about having to go out again.
I sound crazy, I know. I mean, how great could it be? Damn fucking awesome, actually. And there's more to it all, I just haven't figured it all out yet.
Coincidentally, although I've been biking a lot this past week, I have barely been running at all. My only real opportunity to run is during my lunch break at work since I can't well leave the kids alone in the house after they go to bed and they are too big for a jog stroller, plus we don't have one anyway. So if I have lunch meetings or if I have to come in late or leave early for some reason and thus skip taking a break at lunch, there goes my workout. I found the lack of running both distressing and not; the weather here—save for a glorious weekend reprieve—has been the usual Oregon gray, chilly June on steroids, and while I normally don't find chilly temps and drizzle daunting (and none of that deterred me from biking), I wasn't all that keen to get out and log some miles. In fact, when I was finally going to head out for real yesterday, I took an easy out and joined a coworker for a lunchtime pedicure instead. You must all be blown away by my dedication to my workout program. By the same token, I have felt the effects of a lack of structured exercise on my sanity.
I don't say all this to beat myself up or to absolve some guilt I feel about not working out. I say it because the lack of running combined with the introduction of biking has made for an interesting contrast for me. I do enjoy running, and it is an excellent stress reliever for me. But it also brings out a lot of negative personality traits that I have: competitiveness, inflexibility, propensity for self-flagellation, a need to constantly get better, go faster, train harder, be the best. I feel a constant level of low-grade annoyance that I'm not running at my pre-twin pace even though I think my overall endurance level is actually higher now than it was back then. And even if it weren't, why exactly do I care? Because I always expect more from myself. It's never enough. And hence the danger with running: you could always, always, always go faster or longer or both.
I've tried to combat this by leaving the stopwatch at home and just running. I like to log distance since I'm gearing up to train for a half-marathon and I will need to be mindful of being prepared for that race so as not to injure myself. But I've tried to worry less about the time and focus more on just getting out there and running at a speed that seems comfortable. But try as I might, I can't let go of always wondering how fast I've gone, if I've improved on my pace, if I could have pushed myself more on the final stretch.
Contrast this with biking. Our bike is huge and heavy. It has eight gears. It is not designed for speed or for exercise. It is designed for comfort and utility. I hence do not care at all, not one little bit, how long it takes us to get where we're going, how many people pass us between points A and B, or how high my heart rate gets during the trip. I chat with Maddie and Riley. I look around at the scenery (when I'm not navigating traffic). I enjoy the sun, or endure the rain. I feel ever-so-slightly superior to all the cars driving by. I wear regular clothes, sometimes a dress, often clogs. Incidentally, I'm getting a workout, I guess.
And therein, I suppose, lies the difference. Running is exercise that happens to have some mental health benefits. Biking is a lifestyle and leisure choice that happens to be good for my health. I want to find a way to pull some of the relaxed-attitude Zen I have about biking into my running workouts, not to mention other aspects of my life, actually. Perhaps this is exactly what seems like such a fundamental shift to me. Somehow, this bike has brought me the ability to check my need for perfection at the door. I guess the message is pretty simple: bike more. Fret less. Why does it always sound so easy?
08 June 2010
Hunkered Down
I've stuck with blogging way longer than I ever stuck with my fits and starts at pen and paper journaling. Like many people, I've kept journals sporadically over the years, starting in grade school with a hardbound volume complete with tiny lock and key and progressing through Peace Corps and beyond to Moleskines and handbound tomes of acid-free, archival paper. At times, I've journaled nearly daily for months on end, but like many habits, if I then miss a day, I suddenly find that I've missed a week, then two, and then I just stop entirely.
Enter blogging. I sit at a computer all day at work. I then often sit at a computer at home in the evening. I type faster than I write, and I can make edits. Then there's the interactivity of blogging: the comments, the reading of other blogs, the e-mail from readers, the exchange of ideas. I have found all of these factors to be rewarding and compelling and they have kept me here in this space. I've always made time to blog because I've needed to. I've needed the realease of the writing, I've needed the support and advice.
I still do. But wow, life. If I look back over my posts for the past few months, I see that I've written all of this before, a few times, more than I've written about anything else lately (except, perhaps, shoes). But my life, it's changed fundamentally since I've moved back to Portland. I can't say that it's any busier, but I can say that it's fuller. And I am happier.
Is that Portland? Is it being near my family? Is it my job? Is it that the kids are older? That I'm further away from my grief? It's probably all of those things and more. It feels good, though, whatever it is, and it doesn't mean that I don't miss Boston and my friends and life there.
The past week or so have, in fact, been logistically insane. I picked up a big freelance job, so after the kids go to bed I've been working for 3+ hours before collapsing myself. I've been out of touch with everyone and have been poor company for those I've been around. It's just grueling to work all day at my regular job, be the parent and responsible adult in the house, work more, and try to squeeze in some sleep. I could say no to the freelance work, but I'm willing to do this for two weeks at a stretch every so often so that the kids and I can afford to do things like
BUY A BIKE.
OMG, I can't shut up about our bike. How did it take me to this point in this post to get to our bike? Our wonderful, amazing bike! I can't find an exact picture of it online because it's a hybrid. It's a Breezer Uptown 8 (step-through frame), see below, although ours is black:
With an Xtracycle Free Radical and Longtail kit attached (not pictured).
Maddie and Riley have dubbed it the three-bike because we can all ride on it. They have their own handlebar (attached to my seatpost) and footpegs. They take turns as to who rides in front and who rides in back. We bought it on Saturday, and we've already ridden all over the neighborhood (food carts!), to school, to the doctor's office, and to the grocery store (2 kids + our weekly groceries, no problem). We're not getting anywhere fast, but we can get almost anywhere, and the kids and I love it. I love getting the exercise, I love not using the car, I love being outdoors. We even rode it in the pouring rain on Sunday, twice. We're Oregonians, after all. We can handle some rain.
For those of you who live in Portland, I can't say enough nice things about Clever Cycles. We were there for almost three hours on Saturday test driving bikes and making our purchase. The entire staff was extremely kind to us and supportive of our desire to get a family bike even though we knew less than nothing about biking. Todd, one of the store's owners, got out multiple bikes for us to test-drive, watched M&R while I rode the bikes alone, watched M&R singly while I took them for rides one at at time, and waited patiently while we all toured around together on various models. Once we made our decision, he took the time to install all of our components right there so that we could take the bike home that day, even custom-bending a set of handlebars for the kids (or trying to, then finding a suitable alternative). It was customer service at its finest. Clever Cycles is clearly committed to getting families on bikes, and the entire shop is a testament to that mission. Go forth and keep them in business!
So now I slave away on the freelance work so that we can pay for our bike and then get out and enjoy it. Tomorrow we will be the ultimate Portland urban neo-hippie (or is that upper-middle class elitist?) family and ride our bike over to the bakery to pick up our organic farm share. We're privileged. And lucky. And I'm really glad we can make choices like this and use our privilege and luck to do things that I think benefit the earth and the local economy and our lives.
Portland gives me a rosy glow and fills me with joy.
And evidently, Portland, in its old-skool way, gets me back to pen-and-paper journaling. I've been keeping a notebook by my bed, jotting things down at night or in the middle of the night. I happen to have a fair number of things going on right now that I don't particularly feel like blogging about but that I do feel like writing about, and it's been helpful to have a place to put those thoughts. I find that I feel more private about things since moving back here. Not sure what the correlation is, or if there is one. But I keep most things closer these days, for whatever reason.
I'm hoping to finish up this job tomorrow night, then celebrate on Thursday by dining with some friends I've made through blogging. The thought of a good meal keeps me motivated as I plow through page after page of edits to technical writing. The thought of a bike ride to work the meal off is motivating, too.
Life is pretty good, you know?
Enter blogging. I sit at a computer all day at work. I then often sit at a computer at home in the evening. I type faster than I write, and I can make edits. Then there's the interactivity of blogging: the comments, the reading of other blogs, the e-mail from readers, the exchange of ideas. I have found all of these factors to be rewarding and compelling and they have kept me here in this space. I've always made time to blog because I've needed to. I've needed the realease of the writing, I've needed the support and advice.
I still do. But wow, life. If I look back over my posts for the past few months, I see that I've written all of this before, a few times, more than I've written about anything else lately (except, perhaps, shoes). But my life, it's changed fundamentally since I've moved back to Portland. I can't say that it's any busier, but I can say that it's fuller. And I am happier.
Is that Portland? Is it being near my family? Is it my job? Is it that the kids are older? That I'm further away from my grief? It's probably all of those things and more. It feels good, though, whatever it is, and it doesn't mean that I don't miss Boston and my friends and life there.
The past week or so have, in fact, been logistically insane. I picked up a big freelance job, so after the kids go to bed I've been working for 3+ hours before collapsing myself. I've been out of touch with everyone and have been poor company for those I've been around. It's just grueling to work all day at my regular job, be the parent and responsible adult in the house, work more, and try to squeeze in some sleep. I could say no to the freelance work, but I'm willing to do this for two weeks at a stretch every so often so that the kids and I can afford to do things like
BUY A BIKE.
OMG, I can't shut up about our bike. How did it take me to this point in this post to get to our bike? Our wonderful, amazing bike! I can't find an exact picture of it online because it's a hybrid. It's a Breezer Uptown 8 (step-through frame), see below, although ours is black:
With an Xtracycle Free Radical and Longtail kit attached (not pictured).
Maddie and Riley have dubbed it the three-bike because we can all ride on it. They have their own handlebar (attached to my seatpost) and footpegs. They take turns as to who rides in front and who rides in back. We bought it on Saturday, and we've already ridden all over the neighborhood (food carts!), to school, to the doctor's office, and to the grocery store (2 kids + our weekly groceries, no problem). We're not getting anywhere fast, but we can get almost anywhere, and the kids and I love it. I love getting the exercise, I love not using the car, I love being outdoors. We even rode it in the pouring rain on Sunday, twice. We're Oregonians, after all. We can handle some rain.
For those of you who live in Portland, I can't say enough nice things about Clever Cycles. We were there for almost three hours on Saturday test driving bikes and making our purchase. The entire staff was extremely kind to us and supportive of our desire to get a family bike even though we knew less than nothing about biking. Todd, one of the store's owners, got out multiple bikes for us to test-drive, watched M&R while I rode the bikes alone, watched M&R singly while I took them for rides one at at time, and waited patiently while we all toured around together on various models. Once we made our decision, he took the time to install all of our components right there so that we could take the bike home that day, even custom-bending a set of handlebars for the kids (or trying to, then finding a suitable alternative). It was customer service at its finest. Clever Cycles is clearly committed to getting families on bikes, and the entire shop is a testament to that mission. Go forth and keep them in business!
So now I slave away on the freelance work so that we can pay for our bike and then get out and enjoy it. Tomorrow we will be the ultimate Portland urban neo-hippie (or is that upper-middle class elitist?) family and ride our bike over to the bakery to pick up our organic farm share. We're privileged. And lucky. And I'm really glad we can make choices like this and use our privilege and luck to do things that I think benefit the earth and the local economy and our lives.
Portland gives me a rosy glow and fills me with joy.
And evidently, Portland, in its old-skool way, gets me back to pen-and-paper journaling. I've been keeping a notebook by my bed, jotting things down at night or in the middle of the night. I happen to have a fair number of things going on right now that I don't particularly feel like blogging about but that I do feel like writing about, and it's been helpful to have a place to put those thoughts. I find that I feel more private about things since moving back here. Not sure what the correlation is, or if there is one. But I keep most things closer these days, for whatever reason.
I'm hoping to finish up this job tomorrow night, then celebrate on Thursday by dining with some friends I've made through blogging. The thought of a good meal keeps me motivated as I plow through page after page of edits to technical writing. The thought of a bike ride to work the meal off is motivating, too.
Life is pretty good, you know?
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