Bon Voyage

We're going to Detroit. We'll leave tomorrow morning after our usual morning walk and feeding, a time when the twins usually sleep anyway. As one commenter suggested: we can always turn around in the first day is total hell!

Our only potential snag is that our route requires us to go through Canada. GH and I have passports, of course. The babies? Not so much ID. We don't even have birth certificates yet as they are not available until 60 days after the babies are born and then you have to apply by mail. We're working on figuring out entry/exit requirements, but if it becomes too cumbersome, we may have to ditch the trip. It's way too long a trip if we don't go via Canada.

We just had a great weekend with GH's sister and brother who flew in to meet the babies. They were a great help and just loved meeting their niece and nephew. We ventured out for both dim sum and ice cream, took a few walks, and just enjoyed each others' company.

Not much of an update, I know, but we need to get packing and researching. Wish us luck!

I'll try to post from Detroit.

Are we crazy?

Twins are sleeping! Must make as many posts as possible! This is the last one for today.

Are GH and I crazy? It's not a rhetorical question. This is why I ask.

GH's family lives in Detroit, a 13 hour drive or two-hour flight from our home in Boston. His parents have been begging us to bring the twins out to see them so that they can see them and we can show them off at the Korean church that is the hub of their community. I'm on maternity leave, of course, and GH is on summer vacation from school, so our schedule is wiiiiiiiide open.

So we're considering driving out to Detroit next week. We'd take two days for the drive, spend a few days with his parents, and spend two days driving back. The advantages are having the space for a ton of baby stuff, having our own car with carseat bases already installed, and knowing that the twins do well in the car. The disadvantages are that it's a long drive, it's a long drive, and it's a long drive.

Part of me is excited about a road trip. Part of me thinks we're nuts. If we go, we'll leave next Tuesday and come back the following Monday, so we'll be gone during Week 6 of the twins life, the week that is reputed to be their crankiest. Maybe traveling then is a really awful idea. Maybe they will be cranky no matter what we do, so why not travel?

Gosh, I just don't know. Thoughts?

Fear and Resentment

Being tired makes me emotional. Being a new mom makes me emotional. There are lots of good emotions: a love for Madeleine and Riley so intense that nothing could have prepared me for it. The joy of a glimmer of a smile from one of the babies. The comfort of a hug from GH. But there are some negative emotions, too, namely a lot of fear, resentment, and jealousy.

What do I fear?

I fear GH dying. This fear rules my life.
I fear being alone with the babies and not being able to handle it.
I fear being a bad mother (which is tightly tied to the previous fear).

I can't control GH dying. That one is completely out of my hands. I don't know what to do with that fear other than acknowledge it and allow it to be real for me. What else can I really do? I just hate the fact that it's an ever-present thought for me, always lurking around in my mind as I go about my day.

As for the baby-related fears, I can do something about those and I have been. I've been getting out alone with the babies and growing more confident. I've embraced the idea that crying isn't going to kill them and sometimes I can only calm one baby at a time. I think most if not all new moms worry about not being a good enough mom, and talking to other new moms has helped me with that. I am being as proactive as I can to quell the baby fears, and it's helping.

As for the resentment and jealousy, I'm embarrassed to admit what provokes them.

I resent the babies sometimes, for all the care they require and the complete control they have on my life.
I resent the fact that I do more than GH to care for the babies.
I resent the fact that I do more around the house than GH.
I'm jealous of the woman who go the job that I wanted at work.
I'm jealous of my best friend who has a healthy husband. Hell, I'm somewhat jealous of every woman who has a healthy husband!
I resent cancer for trying so, so hard to take my husband away from me.
I resent the fact that when I have 30 minutes for myself, I have to do things like fill out paperwork for my maternity leave or make calls about my student loans, things that even well-meaning friends can't do for me.

I could probably go on. I'm so ashamed of the first three. I love the babies so much, and they are just babies. I signed on for the job of caring for them, and it's my full-time job right now. I don't want to be resentful of that. And I feel awful for being resentful of doing more than a man who is dying. He needs to rest and take care of himself. He deserves to spend his time loving and knowing our babies, not taking out the trash or doing laundry.

As usual, the solution, as it were, is to ask for help. I can ask GH for help if I need it; he's a grown-up and he can say no if it's too much for him. We have friends who will bring us dinner and help around the house. I guess I just don't like not being able to do it all. I never have.

I feel trapped by many things right now. Cancer. My job. Our mortgage. I miss my family. I want to move back home to Oregon so badly, but cancer, our condo, and to a certain extent our jobs (read: health insurance) make me feel stuck where I am. Trapped. Scared. And yet bursting with love and emotion for our little family. The intensity of the love is a bit scary in and of itself. How can I turn that fear into a positive force? How can I use something that powerful to my advantage instead of letting it control me?

What I really ask myself all day long, though, every minute of every day is this: How will I ever survive without my husband? I could work through any of this knowing that I have him with me. But without him? I truly just don't know. And that scares the hell out of me.

Health Report

THE CANCER PATIENT
The good news is that GH feels good. He had all four drugs at chemo last week and recovered beautifully with virtually no side effects. Today he was scheduled for another four-drug week, but low platelets got in the way of that and instead he got only three. Counts looked OK, other than the platelets. Well, and bilirubin--a liver function--which is creeping up. That's not good. So a mixed bag overall, but for now we're focusing on the fact that he feels good, his energy level is pretty high, and he's home and able to enjoy time with the twins.

THE TWINS
We went in for the twins' one-month pediatric checkup yesterday. They were declared "perfect babies" by our doctor. Hooray! They are both 50th percentile for head size and length, and Riley is also 50th for weight. Maddie is 90th for weight, coming in at 10lbs 6oz. She's a big girl! Definitely getting her nutrients.

We were glad to get the OK to introduce a pacifier to Maddie. She definitely comfort sucks on our fingers, which is fine but can get tedious if you want to, say, do something that involves your hand. So she's a binkie girl now. She took to it like a fish to water, and has been much calmer today for it. Riley has no interest. He sucks like a maniac at anything in range when he's hungry, but he's not a comfort sucker. One less habit to break with him . . .

We also got the OK to introduce a bottle every now and then. I've been pumping every day to get a supply in the freezer. I want to be sure they'll take a bottle for when the go to daycare, and it will be freeing to know that someone other than me will be able to give them food every so often. I love breastfeeding them, but it's a huge time commitment and sometimes a break would be nice.

I'm just so glad they are healthy and hearty and well. Hooray, Madeleine and Riley! You make us proud.

MOI
Physically, I'm great. I go in for my six-week postpartum checkup next week and don't expect any problems. Yeah, I'm tired on many days, but that's just par for the course and I'm trying to take care of myself and nap when I can. Mentally? Well, I'll save that for another post. I'm OK. But yesterday was one of those hard days and I'm still kind of recovering. This parenting gig is intense, isn't it? Yikes.

Oh, the Novelty

Yesterday I went out and did errands. By myself! It was the first time I'd been alone since Madeleine and Riley were born. It was both liberating and strange.

Of course, where did I go? The maternity/baby store. We needed more of these amazing "super-swaddle" blankets that have changed our lives. The blankets are slightly stretchy, meaning that you can get a really tight swaddle going on. We use this technique during the night and whittled away our nighttime wakeups to two between 10pm and 7am. Not bad! I had a hard time finding a picture online, but the blankets are cotton thermal, made by American Baby Company.

OK, Ri-Man just woke up. More updates soon, including one on GH. Short version: he's doing pretty well.

And Back It Goes

Yesterday was a much better day. Today is also going well. It can all turn on a dime, day by day, even hour by hour. For now, all is well.

In 20 minutes I have a phone "interview" of sorts with the woman who was given the promotion that I wanted. She is an outside candidate, relocating from the midwest. I'm not quite sure what I'm going to say to her. Well, that's not true. I want to ask her how she thinks my role can expand working with her since not getting the promotion makes me feel like I'm at a career dead-end at this workplace. We'll see how it goes.

For now, the babies are quiet, we're trying not to melt away in near 100°F heat, and I'm looking forward to an air-conditioned car ride after the next feeding. The babies and I are going to accompany GH to his weekly blood test. Whee! Fun times! But the a/c makes it all worth it. Sigh.

Pendulum Shift

You get a good day, then a bad day. That seems to be the way it goes.

It's 3:23am. You can guess what kind of day yesterday (moving right on into today . . . ) was. Today is. Whatever.

It's been hot where I live. Madeleine appears to hate the heat. She shows this by crying. She cried all. Day. Long. I'm not exaggerating when I say that during the day yesterday, she slept for about three hours. That's not much for a newborn. When she was not sleeping or nursing, he was crying. I walked with her, sang to her, rocked her, fed her, you name it. We tried the swing, taking a drive, taking a walk. Nothing worked.

Thank goodness Riley is a trooper and was calm all day. Of course, now he's wide awake at 3:00am, but at least he doesn't scream when he's wide awake.

It's so hard. I'm exhausted and cranky. I take the crankies out on GH, which isn't fair.

To add insult to injury, my mom left yesterday. Less help now, and her departure was an additional emotional blow for me.

Today was the first time I seriously thought, "I don't think I can do this." In my heart, I know I can. Hell, I don't have a choice. But I feel fragile and exposed and scared and rough around the edges. Mostly I feel scared. Wait, no. Mostly I feel tired. Then scared.

Better Day

Today is a better day. I got more sleep last night (although Maddie did throw up all over herself around 5:00am, ugh) and though there are visitors coming by later, they are not staying for long since they are my coworkers on lunch break from work. I woke up with the babies around 7:00 this morning to find that although they were fussing a bit and clearly hungry, they were also bright-eyed and happy. I managed to, all by myself, change both of them and get them settled enough to allow me to eat breakfast and get ready to feed them. Then Maddie and I woke up her daddy and he helped me with the feeding. It was nice family time.

I feel a bit silly being so proud that I handled Maddie and Riley on my own this morning, but mostly I've had help with them and it was a nice sense of accomplishment to do it on my own. Plus it was a beautiful, cool morning and they were so cute and happy. After GH and I got them fed, they had some time on their Gymini:



GH is at work today. Tomorrow is his last day before a seven-week break (two weeks' paternity leave followed by five weeks' summer vacation). I can't wait to have him home all the time. His chemo went well yesterday. Numbers are steady, platelets still low. They reduced the dosage of one of his drugs to see if they can get some effect without hammering the platelets so hard. He's feeling OK so far from the treatment. I hope that lasts.

Riley got weighed, too.

In typical fashion, he had to make a face while it happened. He weighed in at 8lbs 3oz (adjusted for diaper and onesie), and that was a few days ago.

Feeding Survey

Oh, Kind Readers,

Have you ever met an infant that throws up entire feeds about once a day? Maddie does this. She's gaining weight and her pediatrician says not to worry, that some infants have an underdeveloped muscle between the esophagus and stomach that just flops open and allows entire feedings out from time to time.

She's otherwise not a very "spitty" baby. The lost feed occurs at various times throughout the day, after long and short feeds, and no matter which breast she's eaten on. As I said, it happens every 24 hours or so. It's really dramatic and scary for me. Doesn't seem to faze Maddie. Often, she'll go right back on the breast to fill back up.

It's weird. I want to believe that doc that it's normal, or at least not something to worry about, but it's so shocking when it happens that I'm finding it hard to feel like it's OK. Today she pulled a projectile number and showered her still-eating brother! Yuck. But also just a tiny bit funny.

Hard

Today has been hard. I know it gets easier. But today has been hard. Long night last night (or short night, depending on how you look at it) means that I started the day out tired. A nice visit from friends lasted longer than it needed to and tired me out more. GH had chemo. Maddie threw up an entire feeding. I was annoyed by the sight of my dad taking a nap on our couch when I was stuck doing post throw-up feeding. It's raining, so I couldn't get out of the house on a walk.

Mostly I'm just tired. Tired, tired. I know it will pass. But today has been hard.

Getting Weighed

We decided to weigh Maddie on our kitchen scale the other day. I put a mixing bowl on the scale, zeroed the scale out, and then . . .




Our measurement was within one ounce of the pediatrician's office scale the next day. Today we're going to weigh Riley; he was sleeping when we weighed Maddie last time, so he "missed out."

Oh Yeah, Cancer

A number of people have kindly asked about GH, his treatment, and how he's doing. I confess that with all the baby stuff going on, cancer has been back-burnered for me. On one hand, this is good. GH is doing well enough that I haven't had to think about cancer all the time. On the other hand, I've had to work hard sometimes to remind myself that while the sleep deprivation and all the newness of the babies can be hard on me, it's extra hard on someone with terminal Stage IV cancer. He gets more naps than me, he does less around the house and with the babies than I do, and that's the way it should be. But I confess that sometimes, in my sleep-deprived state, I've felt resentful of him complaining about being tired or wanting a nap. Sigh. Cancer is so lame.

GH has gotten one treatment since the babies were born. It was a short one due to low platelets. Low platelets are also lame. We're hoping that this coming Wednesday he'll get a full treatment and that we'll also get some tumor marker numbers back. The lab that processes GH's bloodwork has, for some reason, not been running marker tests even when blood is drawn. The oncologist and RN have called repeatedly to no avail. Sigh. In the absence of actual numbers, we've tried to be content with the fact that GH's energy level and overall demeanor would indicate that treatment is going well.

GH has one more week at work then he's on two weeks of paternity leave followed by five weeks of summer vacation. Hooray! I'm looking forward to lots of family time. Too bad it comes as we head into the "grouchy month" with the babies. Our pediatrician says that for most babies, weeks three through six are progressively crankier, but that after week six, things start getting easier and easier. Bring it on, babies. We're ready! Well, I guess we're ready. I hope that cancer doesn't slow us down too much.

Cancer, you are so fucking LAME!

No Promotion for Me

Alas, I did not get the promotion. Must now contemplate my next move. I've been languishing at my job for four years now with no promotion, so I need to think about making a career move. Of course, with all that's going on in my life, the last thing I need is a job change to a place where I'm taking on more responsibility, learning how to be a stay-at-home-mom, and where people don't know about GH's illness. We'll see.

Frankly, I'd love to win the lottery (which I don't play) or trip over a pile of money in the street or something so that I could just stay home and focus on my kids and my husband. Must engage in some creative thinking about how that could possibly happen on our current budget.

I'm disappointed and feeling wounded and passed over. But I have babies to focus on and play with! So screw you, work!

Another First

First outing in the Baby Bjorns today! The twins LOVED it, meaning that they were fussy and as soon as they were in the carriers, they calmed right down. Mom and I ran a bunch of errands on foot in our little town center with the babies strapped in. Much simpler than the stroller somehow. We'll be doing more of that. What fun!

Moral Dilemma

The feeding pattern for the twins is change the diapers, feed the babies, put them down to sleep unless they are awake and want to play. Let's imagine that while they are eating, it becomes quite clear that one or the other (or both!) has, um, soiled his or her diaper. The feeding continues. The baby in question decides to drop into a peaceful slumber. Am I a horrible mom if I choose to let the baby sleep in a dirty diaper rather than wake the baby up and start the cycle all over again?

I may be biased, but are these kids seriously cute or what?

The Many Faces of Riley

When Riley's eyes are open, he has a suspicious look about him, like he's still skeptical about being a part of the outisde world. He'll just barely open his eyes and then shift them back and forth, back and forth, scanning and checking it all out. See for yourself:

Firsts on the Fourth

Life with newborns is all about firsts. First bath, first walk outside, first visitors, first time sleeping more than two hours at a stretch, first time in the swing, first time on the deck, first exploding poopy diaper, first Fourth of July, first week of life.

Already I can see why it's hard to go back to work,* and I've only had these guys for eleven days. They are so funny, so fun, and so precious.

Anyway, babies are much more interesting than jobs, at least to me right now. Yesterday's first was not a very fun one: first emergency visit to the pediatrician. I was changing Maddie in the early afternoon when I noticed that her cord, which had not yet fallen off, was looking oozy and had a nasty smell. Ugh. Infection! So I called the pediatrician, felt bad for not noticing sooner, and got an appointment for two hours later. All turned out fine. The doctor cleaned her belly button up and put some silver nitrate on it. I guess it wasn't infected per se, it's just that the healing tissue that needed to grow there had gotten out of control and was getting icky and vile. The silver nitrate neutralized it and now everything is fine. Phew. But I got a small taste of what it's like to have a sick kid and not be able to do anything. Very helpless was I. Luckily, it was a quick fix.

Much to my surprise, I find that I love the nighttime feedings. The babies are getting up around twice in the middle of the night. Usually they go down about 10:00pm, then get up at 1:00am and again at 4:00am. This is, of course, give or take a few hours and not without bumps, but that's the average. I love the low light, the cuddle time, the quiet in the house while they eat. I usually put in a video to watch while they feed, and GH brings me something to drink and a snack: cookies and milk, crackers and cheese, peanut butter pretzels, plenty of water. After they are fed, we each take a baby and sit on the couch and talk or watch the video until the babies are good and asleep and will lie down in their crib and slumber off. It's about an hour long process and it's just so peaceful and relaxing to me, especially since I don't have to go to work in the morning. Days are hotter and less relaxing. Something about the nighttime is really special.

My hormones are getting under control. I still have fears and worries about doing all this without GH and the unfairness of it all, but I've been more able for the past few days to concentrate on the joys of the babies. I can already see them growing! (At their checkup on 30 June, they had surpassed their birthweights by 5oz each.) Maddie is a miniature John in looks and temperament, and Riley is his own little man.

Happy Fourth of July, everyone. I've never liked fireworks much, but I do love to have a BBQ. Mom's making her famous potato salad and we're putting hot dogs, chicken sausages, and corn on the cob on the grill. Riley has a onesie covered in blue stars to wear in honor of the occasion. I plan to drink a beer! I am so crazy. Anyone want to come over? Hope you all get a day off and enjoy it, doing whatever you like to do.

* Speaking of work, I got a call yesterday from my HR department wanting to a) know the babies' middle names and b) wanting to talk to me about the Managing Editor position. Wish I'd checked my messages before 5:00 since today is a holiday. So I'm waiting for tomorrow to get word. I find that I don't really care what the answer is. I'm too sleepy and smitten with my babies to give a damn if I get a promotion. Frankly, it would be great to move from a cubicle to an office if for nothing else than breastfeeding privacy. And who couldn't use a fat raise? But I'll be fine if it doesn't work out, too.