Happy One-Week Birthday

How is it that babies get cuter every day? Madeleine and Riley are now a week old. Amazing. Here they are posing for the camera in their bouncy seats.




So far, life with newborns is amazing, wonderful, and sometimes downright confusing. Some questions:

1. Why will Maddie and Riley sleep in their crib when napping during the day, but insist on being held to sleep at night?
2. How the heck is it possible to get a proper "latch-on" when nursing when one only has two hands to a) keep both flailing baby arms under control and b) get the delicate baby mouth to open wide enough to stuff in enough boob?
3. Why will the twins sleep seemingly forever during the day, but love to be up at night?

These are, of course, rhetorical questions unless anyone has advice that they'd like to share.

I'm managing to rest, eat, and stay clean only because my mom and stepdad are here to help. Otherwise, I'd be a lot cause. And I'm having to resort to wearing my husband's size XL button-up-the-front shirts because I don't really have any nursing-appropriate clothes. So I look like a slob. But I'm very comfortable! And who's seeing me anyway?

Will try to post more as I can.

Quick Update

I'm finally back at the keyboard. I was totally wrong about the wireless access at the hospital--there was none. Although the truth is I probably would not have used it anyway. Too much other stuff to do, like admire the twins!

We've been home now for over 24 hours. I'm still in awe about the whole experience. Hearing them cry for the first time after the c-section, seeing them, holding them, feeding them. It gives a whole new meaning to "love at first sight."

C-section recovery is going remarkably well. I have basically no pain at this point. We actually just got out for our first walk along the bike path near our condo. It felt great to be outside and stretch the legs. Frankly, the worst pain I have right now is in my ass. All the sitting at the hospital and sitting at home to nurse makes for a sore bum!

Speaking of nursing . . . we're all getting the hang of it, but boy is it time-consuming. Worth it, but time-consuming. At least Madeleine and Riley latch on like pros and I've been able to nurse them at the same time. GH calls me his Earth Mother.

GH is amazing with the babies. No surprise there. Madeleine looks just like him, which is so cute. (Riley seems to be his own little man--can't tell at all who he looks like yet.) GH had to go back to work yesterday, which he found very, very hard. He feels bad because he has to work, and he's tired from work and having cancer, so he doesn't get up to help much in the night. Luckily, my mom is here to help me, and I've reassured GH that he shouldn't worry about the fact the he needs to sleep, but knowing that intellectually and accepting it as OK are two very different things.

Having the kids makes me all the more angry that GH has cancer. How long will he know them? How much longer do I get to have him? The twins have made my fear of losing him extremely acute. I don't want to do this without him, any of it. But I'm getting ahead of myself at a time when I very much need to focus on the present.

I'll post more pictures as time allows and hopefully blog more too. I'm certainly not lacking for blog fodder now!

A Picture or Two, to Tide You Over

Here are pictures of the twins to tide you over until Snick returns. I'm not sure when that will be - I may have been wrong about the wireless internet at the hospital, or perhaps they are just too besotted to contemplate the computer.

Riley's with the stripey blanket, Madeleine is on the right with the inquisitive hand. Both very sleepy, and both very gorgeous.

The Twins Are Here!

Howdy, I'm the best friend, Erk.

I'm pleased to announce that the twins have arrived safely, quickly, and loudly:

Madeleine arrived at 10:32
18 inches, 7 pounds

Riley arrived at 10:33
18 inches, 6 pounds, 11 ounces

All four people in the family are healthy, happy and excited. I'll be visiting later today and may post more details later - or Snickollet herself might (apparently the hospital is wireless-enabled!).

Yay!

Final Checklist

Anesthesia pre-op appointment: DONE
Bag packed: DONE (thanks to many of you who had good suggestions on what to pack)
Art hung in babies' room: DONE
iPod, camera battery, cell phone, and Palm charged: DONE

And a final Q&A:
Did I cry at my anesthesia interview when the nurse was talking to me about holding the babies? YES
Is GH allowed to take pictures/video in the OR? YES, ALTHOUGH I'M NOT SURE HOW I FEEL ABOUT THAT
What was the final weight gain? 46 POUNDS
What was the final "waist" measurement? 47" AROUND
How sad am I about not being able to eat after midnight? VERY, VERY SAD
What time do we have to leave for the hospital? 7:15AM EST
What time will the babies arrive? AROUND 11:00AM EST
How long will I be in the hospital? UNTIL SUNDAY OR MONDAY
How worried am I that my in-laws will drive me insane? QUITE, ALTHOUGH GH IS ON THE CASE AND WILL RUN INTERFERENCE
How much am I looking forward to eating sushi? A WHOLE HELL OF A LOT
And drinking a glass of red wine? YES, YES, VERY MUCH
What are our plans for the evening? SPEND SOME JUST-THE-TWO-OF-US TIME TOGETHER, TRY TO GET SOME SLEEP, EAT LOTS OF ICE CREAM

Tomorrow we will meet our children. HOLY SHIT. (Pardon the French.)

I'll be back when I can. There will be pictures. And much joy.

Let the freaking out begin!

Last night was tough. It was hot. We needed to get some stuff done around the house but we really wanted to relax. Something GH had ordered in the mail arrived, but it was defective. We broke a piece of glass when we were framing something for the twins' room (no one was hurt).

Nothing major, but lots of little things didn't seem to go quite right.

Then GH noticed that his right arm, the one that his IV was placed in last week, looked weird. His veins were all dark, like bruises spiderwebbing up his arm. Nothing hurt, nothing felt raised or bumpy, but it sure looked strange. And of course it's 11:00 at night. He had his oncologist paged and she called right back; she seems to think it's some discoloration from one of the drugs he takes. She told him to try not to worry and to call back if it started to hurt or spread a lot further or became raised and bumpy. The discoloration is still there this morning, but no worse.

Anytime we have to call the oncologist at night, it gets the adrenaline pumping. So of course after that neither of us was sleepy, even though both of us were tired. I was packing GH's lunch and thinking about the babies and started to FREAK OUT. Well, OK, so mostly I just started to feel overwhelmed and overtired and that made me cry. I was thinking about GH and his illness, thinking about how I know nothing about taking care of babies, thinking about how I don't know how I'll handle the exhaustion that's headed my way. Suddenly it really hit me how close all of this is. In 48 hours, I'll be wheeled in for surgery. Ohmygosh.

I feel a little better this morning, but still pretty overwhelmed. I'm sure all parents-to-be feel this way. I also know that the unknown is much harder to deal with than the known. Once the babies are here, we will make things work because we'll have to. There will be good days and bad, but I know we'll be fine. The anticipation is just starting to really get me.

Need Recommendations

GH and I just re-upped our subscription to Netflix (actually, Blockbuster.com, but same difference). We usually get all of our videos from the library, but getting out to pick things up off reserve is going to become more difficult. I've heard that watching videos is a good way to pass the breastfeeding time, so we figured the Blockbuster subscription would be money well spent.

I'm not much of a TV watcher. The only shows I watch regularly are 24 and Lost. I do love to go to the movies, but I feel woefully out of date on what's come out recently (and by recently I mean for the past year or so). Other than big blockbusters and Academy Award nominees, a lot of movies have passed me by.

So I'm looking for recommendations. What movies and TV shows have you enjoyed lately, or ever? My tastes are pretty eclectic. For movies, I love everything from independent and foreign films to a good action movie or thriller every once in a while. I absolutely hate horror movies, though. As for TV, I'm more of a drama person rather than a sitcom person. I tend to like medical dramas (you wouldn't think so with all the personal medical drama that I have, but I was a big ER fan until it got horrible about seven years ago. Why won't that show throw in the towel?) and legal dramas. I like some sitcoms--was a Seinfeld and Sex and the City fan.

What do you like?

Guest Appearance

My best friend has kindly agreed to put in a guest appearance on the blog this Thursday or Friday to give an update on the babies. She'll post the vital stats and hopefully some pictures. Be on the lookout!

I saw the babies today. They continue to be happy on the inside, so looks like they'll hang on until Thursday. That will put me at 38 weeks, four days. Twins are generally considered full-term at 37 weeks, so these guys should be fully developed and as ready as they can be for life outside the womb (read: no NICU time). I should still probably pack a hospital bag . . . somehow a nap took priority on that task today. Maybe this evening I'll get to that. Or tomorrow. Huh.

Father's Day

Yesterday GH and I celebrated his first Father's Day. Even though he's technically not a father yet, we figured a) close enough and b) well, better celebrate this one in case there's not another. Sigh.

We didn't do anything grandiose, just the usual stuff we like to do. We went out for dim sum (YUM), ran some errands (OK, that wasn't really part of the celebration), took a late afternoon nap, went out for ice cream, and had a lazy evening dinner. We just enjoyed being together. It's really what we do best.

I'm all done with work and one of the things I want to do this week is take some time to write GH a letter. We are very good at telling each other important things, even the scary stuff. But I want to get some of my thoughts about our relationship and what it has brought to my life before the babies get here. Then I can write another one once the babies are here. Frankly, I'm not really sure what I'll say, but I can tell there's stuff in there and I want to get it out. It will be a belated Father's Day gift.

Packing

I realized yesterday that I have not packed for the hospital. I should probably do this. While I don't intend to go there before Thursday, who knows what could happen? It would be wise to be prepared.

I've traveled a lot in my life. I've lived overseas multiple times and taken trips ranging from a simple overnight to six-week European hosteling adventures. I'm good at packing. This, however, is one trip that has me scratching my head. I have no idea what to bring to the hospital! Here's what I'm thinking:

• the camera
• basic toiletries
• a couple of pair of socks
• a couple of pair of loose, comfy PJ bottoms
• 2-3 nursing bras
• 2-3 nursing-appropriate shirts (I have one that buttons in front and a few that are designed for nursing)
• underwear, of course
• going-home outfits for the babies
• snacks!

So, moms out there (and non-moms--I'll take any and all advice), am I missing anything? Any other tips? I thought about packing a book, then I thought, "Ha ha ha! That's funny!"

GH will bring the laptop back and forth: free wireless Internet on the maternity floor! Hopefully one of us will have time to post some baby news.

Weight Gain

I'm posting happy today! I'm also a little slap-happy due to not sleeping well last night, but that's not my point.

I wanted to let everyone know that at today's chemo weigh-in, GH had gained five pounds. Hurrah! That was good news. He still looks thin and a bit sickly to me, but a five pound gain is a good start.

Putting a Face to a Blog

On Monday, I had the pleasure of meeting OTRgirl in person. She had a layover in my town, and we met up for a hour or so of lemonade and chit-chat on a gorgeous, warm, sunny day.

It was so fun to put a face to her blog, and to hear her say things that I could imagine reading on her site. At the same time, it was odd to know so many details about someone's present and so few details about someone's past. She pointed out that part of her wanted to ask "getting to know you" questions, but somehow that seemed less interesting or important that talking about the present that we already know.

In any case, we certainly didn't lack for things to talk about, and the time flew by. Wish she lived closer, wish that the chance to meet other bloggers came up more frequently. But I'm grateful that any of us out there in the computer manage to find each other at all.

Countdown

Eight days from now: c-section
Seven days from now: pre-op anesthesia appointment at the hospital
Six days from now: my dad arrives in town for the birth (but he stays at a B&B, not with us)
Five days from now: my first Monday of not going into work on maternity leave; my last appointment with the maternal/fetal medicine specialist
Four days from now: I try not to melt as the mercury climbs to 90°F
Three days from now: my last Saturday to sleep in for a long time
Two days from now: my last day at work before maternity leave
Tomorrow: is Thursday; I can't think of anything particularly monumental about it
Today: carseats being installed by the police at 5:30

I remain in a state of disbelief that the babies will be here next week, combined with a theoretical level of excitement and nerves. I'm starting to feel physically ready to be done being pregnant. Sleeping is getting uncomfortable and I feel a little like a freakshow when I'm walking around in public due to the size of my belly. Overall, I still feel good--walked 3 miles this morning, for example--but everything just takes more effort at this point.

Yesterday, the kids and staff at GH's school had a baby shower for us. It was so nice! Each classroom gave us a little gift and handmade card, and the teachers went in on a Babies'R'Us gift certificate. It was a real treat for me to meet GH's students. I have heard so many stories about them, but most of them I have not met in person. The majority of them are autistic, but others have various physical and mental disabilities. Two of them sang me songs, a few of them proudly told me that they were graduating from middle school and going to high school in the fall. They were all so excited to touch the babies, and I think they enjoyed getting a glimpse into GH's personal life. I remember that about being in school--the notion that teachers have lives outside the classroom. It was always fascinating to meet a spouse or hear about something a teacher had done on a weekend. It was clear that the kids love "Mr. GH," and of course I already know that he loves them back.

GH had chemo today. Low platelets, so not a long treatment, but at least he got something. After two evenings of high activity on my part (two dinner parties in a row), I'm looking forward to spending a quiet evening with GH and enjoying "just the two of us" time before we discover the joys of being four.

The Incredible Shrinking GH

My husband is a pretty big guy. He's about 5'10" and weighs in around 225. Or did. In the pre-cancer days.

Cancer in general and pancreatic cancer in particular tend to cause weight loss. This happens for a host of reasons. For starters, many cancer treatments make you lose your interest in food. You're either nauseous, fighting diarrhea, have gas, get pain from spicy food, or food just doesn't taste as good as it used to. GH has often reported that things "just taste funny." Some drugs cause food to taste metallic. In any case, chemo has a direct negative impact on many a patient's interest in eating.

Then there's the "wasting," or cachexia. Basically, the cancer changes your metabolism and you lose muscle and fat even though you're eating reasonably well. There are studies that show that fish oil supplements can help prevent/slow this syndrome. GH is a big consumer of fish oil, yum.

Until recently, GH had pretty much maintained his weight. With the recent diarrhea developments, he's starting to lose ground. He's down to about 200, a decent weight, but with his clothes starting to hang off of him he looks sickly in a way that hasn't been true before. And I feel like the wasting has set in. His arms and legs are shadows of their former selves. It's scary. And sad. In all this time, he's never really looked sick before, and now he does, although probably not to the casual observer. But I see the difference. And it makes me very, very nervous.

Support, Research, Ranting

For the past eight weeks or so I've been participating in a weekly telephone support group for people who are caregivers to someone suffering from pancreatic cancer. There are four of us plus a moderator in the group; the moderator is an oncology social worker.

It's been an interesting experience. In the time since GH's diagnosis, I've considered individual or group therapy at various times but have never followed through for a variety of reasons. As I think I mentioned in a previous posting, this group kind of fell into my lap, so I decided to go for it. Overall, I've been glad.

I'm the youngest member of the group by far, no surprise there. Because of that, the issues I bring to the table are somewhat different than the issues the others struggle with. We're all angry on some level, but my anger is about getting gypped out of something--someone--I just found and so dearly want to have in my life forever. We're all scared, but my fear is about how I'll handle being a single mom, not how I'll handle being on my own after years of having being part of a team. I'm balancing work, caregiving, and impending motherhood while the other members' primary focus is caregiving, all day every day. The other members are incredibly supportive of my issues as I (hope I) am of theirs and certainly the general emotions and issues--anger, fear, boundaries, stress management, disease management, etc.--are common to us all.

We had a great conversation two days ago about cancer research. There's not a lot of research done on pancreatic cancer. As a cancer that is most often detected late and at an advanced, incurable stage, I think that many researchers find it hard to get excited about. Most treatment is palliative rather than curative. Prolonging life by three months is a huge advance in pancreatic cancer. That kind of success is less exciting than a cure that saves thousands. Plus, thankfully, pancreatic cancer affects far fewer people than some other more "high-profile" diseases.

Additionally, family members of cancer patients will often become advocates for their loved one's cause. Family members work tirelessly to raise money for research and awareness. With pancreatic cancer, the time you get between diagnosis and death is often so short that you don't have time to become and advocate for anything except getting yourself and your loved one through each day. And then once you lose your loved one, you have your own grief to deal with, the chores of daily life to slog through, and it can be hard to focus efforts on cancer fundraising.

There are some very dedicated people doing pancreatic cancer research and advocacy. PanCan (www.pancan.org) is a nationwide organization that provides invaluable services to patients, their families, and the general public. There are also individual doctors, caregivers, and survivors who do everything they can to raise awareness, encourage research, and help people as much as they can.

To bring this back to the support group, it was nice to be able to say to people, "I get mad about all that breast cancer [lung cancer, colon cancer, etc.] research and publicity sometimes. Why is the person I love most in the world being neglected by the cancer research world at large?" I know that's not really a fair statement, and I don't want to detract from the amazing efforts that are made to cure any type of cancer. If you lose someone to cancer, it ultimately doesn't matter what kind it was. It just hurts and it sucks and it's pain and grief no matter how you slice it. But, goddammit, we have fewer options. We get fewer research dollars. Only three percent of people diagnosed with pancreatic cancer are alive five years later, the lowest five-year survival rate of any cancer. Why aren't more people trying to fix this?

All of us in the group were angry about this to various degrees. The shared anger was powerful and therapeutic. And it made me think. Early on, I did a fundraising walk for PanCan, but since then I've been focused on my own life and grateful that GH has beaten so many odds. I don't know when I'll find the time or energy to focus my anger in a more productive way, but I'm glad that Tuesday's group got me thinking about what I can do, how I can help.

Excited?

People often ask me if I'm excited for the babies' arrival, or say things like, "You must be getting so excited!" when I tell them when I'm due. I generally glibly reply, "Oh, yes, of course!" without thinking about it much. I'm having twins, for crying out loud. Of course it's exciting!

But at the same time, when I really stop to think about it, excitement isn't necessarily the first thing that I'm feeling. Frankly, I'm not sure what I'm feeling. There is some excitement in there. There's some apprehension. Fear. Joy. But overall what I'm feeling is . . . well . . . nothing. I find it incomprehensible that in two weeks (exactly! from today!) I will be the mother of two tiny babies. I'm sure I'll experience all kinds of intense emotions as I go to the hospital for the c-section, during the surgery, when I see them and hold them for the first time. But for now, I almost don't believe it's happening. It's too much for me to wrap my mind around. When I try to get a sense for how my life it going to change, it seems futile. I don't think I can understand it until it happens.

So yeah, excited in the abstract. I've been waiting a long time for this. The real excitement, though, is yet to come.

A Shout-Out to My Girl, Dinner

GH and I have a cat. She started off as my cat. I brought her home from my stint in the Peace Corps. Yes, she came home with me all the way from Central Africa. (Aside: I think it's easier to bring a cat or dog into the US from Africa than it is to bring in a banana. But that's a story for another time.) In our time together, GH has really grown to love her, and seeing as she's a total whore and adores any man, she has loved him unconditionally from the start. So now she's our cat, not just my cat.

Her name is Dinner. You see, where I lived in the Peace Corps (Gabon), some people do eat cat. Certainly no one keeps a cat as a pet; it's just another mouth to feed. I like to think that I saved her from being someone's dinner, and it makes for an interesting and fun name.

Dinner is an awesome cat. She loves people, she loves to be held and petted and brushed. She is adorable and warm and fuzzy and non-judgmental no matter what you tell her. She would be happy to sit on your lap all day if you let her. All she wants is food and love.

She's been getting the food lately, but the love has been in short supply. With all the baby prep frenzy, Dinner's needs have fallen by the wayside. My lap is rather small now, difficult for her to perch on. I feel bad that she's been neglected, especially since that will only get worse once the babies arrive. I try to spend a little time with her each day, but it doesn't always happen.

I wish that I could tell myself that she doesn't notice or doesn't mind, but it's so not true. She meows more than she used to and she follows us around in a pitiful and plaintive kind of way. I've had her for twelve years; I know that she can smell change in the air and that it makes her nervous. Just like a person, the older she gets, the more set in her ways she becomes. And her world is about to experience the biggest change that's ever come its way.

So Dinner, here's a shout-out to you. You and I have been through a lot together, and we're going to go through more. Like I keep telling you, I'm sorry I haven't given you all the love you deserve lately. I'm trying. Bear with me.

As a rather graphic illustration of just how attuned Dinner is to the babies' arrival, I leave you with this story. The day our nursery furniture was delivered, the delivery guys had left and I was in the twins' room cleaning some things up and admiring the new goods. Dinner strolled by, stuck her head in the room, looked around, walked out, and threw up right outside the door. She then looked at me with disdain and strolled back into the living room.

Yeah, she knows. And I love her for it. Dinner, you're the best.

The Irony

The twins are scheduled to arrive on 22 June, the first day of the astrological sign of (drumroll please . . . )

CANCER.

Seriously.

Maybe they'll come one day early, the last day of Gemini. Doesn't that seem more fitting?